In my home, we used to throw around phrases like "knock me up" or "get knocked up" all the time. Fertility was really taken for granted being that neither of us had an issue with it before. My son was easy to conceive, my step-kids didn't take much work either, according my hubby.
When nothing happened, we, well I, investigated what it took to make a baby. What on earth were we doing wrong? Turns out, it's a lot harder to make baby than ya think, especially after your twenties. Problems arise, you don't have as much sex as you used to, changes occur in your reproductive system... getting older starts to mean something. Doctors get included in your plan to conceive... how romantic. sheesh.
There came a point when I said "forget it". My husband's point came a little earlier than mine. He was a great sport while encouraging me to chill the eff out. After awhile, I realized that if I wasn't gonna have a baby, I at least wanted sex to be orgasmic again. When you spend 2 years trying for a baby, sex becomes more than sex. It becomes a huge source of stress. Stress makes orgasms hard to acheive. And frankly, I ran out of creative ways to seduce him for baby juice... I'd rather seduce him for a world shaking orgasm.
We hadn't talked about the "B" word (baby) for a good while until our wedding night. He made it clear that his intention was to "knock me up". A few days later he was talking about how we could lead a more healthful lifestyle and how it would benefit us in the realm of conception. I was telling my hubby yesterday that I was a very happy girl. I have most everything I want. When I said "most", he knew exactly what it meant: I want a baby.
All the sudden, the "B" word is invading my life again. Not only is my hubby using it, but our friends are asking about us having more kids, family is talking about it, even strangers ask... All the sudden, I find myself pretending like not having a baby is choice we've made for the past 2 years. I feign like I'm fertile, like the other 99% of women in their child-bearing years. I can't bring myself to tell everyone that I'm in that 1% category. (or whatever the numbers are)
I'm left to answer a question I have no answer for: Are you going to have any more children?
I'm not getting any younger here (which people happily point out to me), but how how much am I willing to give to the process again? Do I want to monitor my cervical fluid? Do I want to wake up at 6am every morning to take my temperature? Do I want to pee in a cup twice a day for a week so that I catch my elusive lutenizing hormone surge so I can predict when the sperm will have an egg to fertilize? Do I even want to go back to telling my hubby we have to have sex because I'm going to ovulate any day now?
I'm really not sure. Taking charge of my fertility was a demanding, messy, arduous, unsexy process. Doing all that work just to get my period month after month was heartbreaking. Turning love making into baby making was not all that fun after the first 6 months. And because of my hubby's medication, his sex drive has tanked, putting a lot of pressure on both of us. Add infertility into the mix and neither of us feels very sexy.
I find myself backing off any baby conversation lately. I just give my hubby a pat and tell him I love him. I tell everyone else we'd love kids and leave it at that. I steer the conversations in another direction when it comes to the "B" word.
I'm just not sure I'm really ready to go back to trying just yet. I was hoping the age old addage "just relax" would work, but apparently it doesn't. (we haven't been preventing) The only thing that happened is that I'm having earth-shattering orgasms again. (So please don't tell me to relax and let it happen in your comments, because I've been relaxed about it and I'm still not pregnant.)
I will probably need medical intervention to get pregnant, which is a big step emotionally and physically to take, not to mention financially. I have an appointment with my girlie doctor in February where I will address the next step in conception. Our last two options are to not have another kid or to adopt. Tick-tock...
Do I have take charge of my fertility until then? It's so difficult when I see that twinkle in my husband's eyes. It's been years since we've used birth control. Why or how would exchanging vows improve our fertility? How do I approach my now married ovaries? Do I take the wait and see approach? Do I break out my thermometer? I know I can't keep avoiding the subject, so where do I go from here?
The Baby Blues
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Posted by Fri Oct 3, 2008 12:07pm PDT
Report AbuseI first want to say... You are not in a category of 1% of women who can't get pregnant. It may seem that way since so many women get pregnant easily, but trust me, it's actually pretty prevalent (even secondary infertility) and it's certainly nothing to be ashamed of.
Making the Dr appt was a great step in the right direction. I know it's scary going in and asking for tests, but it's necessary to make it to the other side of this journey. Who knows... You could get pregnant before the appt and have to cancel it after all. Let's hope!
My husband and I have been trying to conceive (our first) for over 4 years. We went through it all. Every blood test under the sun, HSG's (to check tubes), HSC's (to check uterus), exploratory laparascopic surgery to make sure I didn't have endo, clomid, many cycles of injectibles & IUI's, etc. Finally, we decided it was time to move to IVF. On September 19th, we found out we are finally pregnant! It was a long, heartbreaking journey, but absolutely worth it. I'm sure you know it'll be worth it because you have kids to light up your life already. : )
Most women don't go through infertility for this long, and I certainly hope you don't, but I want you to know you aren't alone. ((hugs))
I pray your journey comes to an end soon.
God Bless!
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Posted by Sat Oct 4, 2008 3:07pm PDT
Report AbuseI was married for almost 10 years before I got pregnant with my first son. We weren't seriously trying for the first five years or so since we were so young and not sure if we wanted to have kids. Then when I didn't get pregnant, we explored other fertility options. I was even getting some kind of shots from my mother in law's friend to help (I forget what they were). Then we explored massage to put my uterus back in place, supposedly a tilted uterus or something. When that didn't work we finally tried fertility medication and insemination. And no those didn't work either. Funny thing is, when we supposedly weren't trying anymore, I got pregnant. I know it can be really stressful trying to get pregnant and sex doesn't see fun anymore but just wanted to lend my support. Exploring fertility/medical options are not that bad. I had a great doctor with great supportive staff even though I didn't get pregnant this way. Good luck to you! I know it's a big decision to make.
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Posted by Fri Oct 10, 2008 6:38am PDT
Report AbuseAroun 25% of couples trying to concieve, in the us, are diagnosed with unexplained infertility. That means they have had the complete checkup physically and the doctors cannot find anything physically wrong with them, so Scientifically there is nothing they can come up with and they do one of two things. They tell you there is nothing that can be done or they send you to alternative complimentary therapy. The majority of Americans do not realize that they have options when it comes to fertility and childbirth. Two complimentary therapies are 1)Accupuncture, studies have shown great success and fertility doctors are sending couples for accupuncture because they know this increase their chances of being successful, and therefore increases the chances that the fertility treatments are successful and their numbers go up. The second therapy that is gaining in acceptance and studies are showing great success is Hypnosis for fertility (hypnofertility) This therapy works with your brain, which controls everythin in our bodies. We as women have worked so hard for years to not get pregnant too early that we have programed ourselves to do just that and therefore we need to reprogram ourselves to do so. Some women have other issues that need to be addressed such as fear, fear of childbirth, fear of motherhood, etc. There is more to it than just relaxing but that is important too, and it is good you have, it sounds like it has improved your relationship which needs to be strong in order to get pregnant. I hope that you keep working toward the goal of having a baby, Don't TRY to have a baby, take the word out of your vocabulary, Start saying Our goal is... Change the netagtive into a positive, and keep making love!
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