by Nataly Kogan, from Work It, Mom!
I recently spoke at a great conference for women entrepreneurs and there met up with a few of my friends who don’t have kids. One of them runs her own successful business and two are plugging away in the corporate/financial world. All three are in their mid-30s and I guess the clock is ticking because all three asked me the same question at some point during the day:
I am petrified about having kids and balancing my demanding career with being a mom — can you tell me the truth about what it’s like?
Talk about pressure. I mean, serious pressure. First of all, I think being a parent is like giving birth — it doesn’t matter how much you hear about the experience, you have no idea what it’s like until you actually go through it. (Someone told me that giving birth is like having really bad cramps…. ha!) Secondly, everyone’s experience is extremely personal and different. But most importantly, I think if you don’t have kids it’s impossible to understand how the joy you get from them can make the insanity, the stress, the exhaustion that comes with being a working mom worth it.
I am a horrible liar. OK, that’s a lie, actually, I am a pretty good liar when I want to be, but I didn’t want to lie to my friends. So I tried my best to be honest and tell them that yes, being a working mom has been extremely challenging for me, and yes, I am tired, exhausted, stressed, get little sleep, have not time for myself and little for my husband, and feel either guilty or like I am not doing a good job at whatever I am doing most of the time. And then I tried my best to express to them what I feel when I see my daughter run to me when I pick her up from school or watch her during ballet practice or hear her tell me that even though she loves her blankie very much I am still her best friend.
I know that my friends are sharp cookies and what I said is just a drop in the bucket of the many thoughts and feeling they will experience as they think about having kids and juggling work and family. But I keep thinking about what I said to them and I keep wondering whether I said the right things and the right way.
What would you say if a friend asked you to tell her the truth about juggling work and family?
Nataly Kogan is the co-founder and CEO of Workitmom.com, an online community and helpful resource for busy
moms.
Check out Nataly's recent posts on the Work It, Mom! Blog:
The upside of being a working mom
Having only one child: Why is it such a crime?
The real truth about parenting: What to say to my childless friends?
- by , on Thu Jul 31, 2008 9:17am PDT
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Comments 1-6 of 6
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Posted by Thu Jul 31, 2008 9:50am PDT
Report AbuseThere are two sides to this, side one, finish all of your personal goals and fantasies before beginning a family that includes, be the best at your career, advance your education, be the stripper you dreamed of (for a short time anyway), go on as many affordable vacations as you can, and sleep in until noon if you want to.
Side 2, as a medical professional myself, I suppose I was ready when I began my family, however, I regret that I didn't finish my graduate education, I regret that I never traveled overseas, and I regret that I didnt take my time in finding a better First Husband. My biological clock was ticking at 30, and I "settled" for a career that required my Bachelors, I "settled" for the man I first married,HOWEVER, I have the two best and most wonderful children any mother could hope for. They are smart, outgoing, healthy and well behaved.(patting myself on the back)...
I wouldn't change them for anything..but IF I could do it all over again, would I?? hummmm...Rule one of my life, NEVER REGRET THINGS YOU HAVE DONE IN THE PAST, LEARN FROM THEM...so I tell my kids, "finish your careers, etc before settling down...I have accomplished much more than my mother ever did(virgin at 19, married, home-maker, no career to fall back on etc etc)..Would I do it all over again?
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Posted by Thu Jul 31, 2008 9:22pm PDT
Report AbuseTell them a few things. First of all, it really helps if you can stay home until they are in school at least. I was able to do that and it is still hard to juggle my daughter and my job. Also, having an extremely supportive and flexible husband helps. Someone is going to have to make compromises on the kid/job front. It will help if it isn't you every single time.
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Posted by Fri Aug 1, 2008 9:31am PDT
Report AbuseI am 45 years old and have no desire to parent a child. It is not that I don't like children, I absolutely adore my nephews and my young cousins. I don't have the finances or the emotional wherewithal to do a good job parenting and I don't want my life being contingent upon the whims of another human being (A husband) no where on this website do I see an ounce of support for childless adults, NOWHERE!! suppose I do have a child and he or she does not give me the warm and fuzzies? then what? this is a lifetime project - do not needlessly complicate your life.
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Posted by Fri Aug 1, 2008 1:42pm PDT
Report AbuseI am a SINGLE Mom of 2, and I work fulltime, while raising my 2 daughters completely alone. First of all, No matter what kind of job that you have, how hard you work or the amount of kids that you have, you have to take some "time out" for yourself, such as getting your hair done, going to dinner with some friends/or husband. You have to spend a little time away from the kids, even if you feel guilty about it. Believe me, it relieves alot of stress.
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Posted by Sat Aug 9, 2008 10:49am PDT
Report Abuseto tmr-- I think that the reason you are not finding any support for childless adults here is because you are in the parenting section of an online magazine. Also, it sounds like you regret the fact that you didn't get to "needlessly complicate your own life" with children...I am sorry. Every woman must make this tough decision, and some women didn't grow up always wanting to have children, in which case, I think it's best not to have them. But, if you think you want them, I don't think you shouldn't just because of your career. I had my first at 35. The sense of accomplishment you get from your job doesn't even come close to the joy of having a child, in my opinion. It seems to me that you would regret that decision in the long run.
Comments 1-6 of 6
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