I am a stay-at-home dad in a world that regards stay-at-home dads with suspicion. To be sure, perceptions are changing. This year I read that 55% of students entering college are women. That means in four years there will be more qualified women than men in the professional hiring pool. Perhaps stay-at-home dads are the wave of the future.
Since taking my leave of the workforce, I have become sensitive to the subtle prejudice dads face, especially dads who are primary caregivers. My least favorite is the admiring woman (and it's always a woman) who compliments me with "How nice you're babysitting today!" Babysitting? Lady, I'm these kids' father, not their nanny!
But I know what she means. Still, what is it about fathers toting tykes that commands such surprise and sometimes skepticism? It's probably many things:
1, In the majority of middle and upper-middle class families, if one parent stays at home with the children, it's mom.
2. If both parents work, mom picks up the kids from daycare, regardless of who finishes work first or who works closer to the daycare facility. This is not always the case (and hurrah for all you hands-on dads), but the scene of working mom rushing out the door to make her 6:00 pick-up is a common one. On the other hand, the prospect of dad cutting a meeting short to get the little ones is somehow unseemly.
3. When weekends and evenings roll around, there are a shameful number of households in which dad chooses what he wants to do, and mom picks up the slack. Thankfully, many more dads these days consider playing with the kids and helping with homework honorable and desirable pastimes. But if dad hates washing dishes or has a hunting trip planned with the guys, it's assumed he will do as he pleases. Not so for mom.
As a recipient of general societal scorn towards dads (mostly from overworked moms), I would be the last one to paint all fathers with the same brush. And I don't have the numbers to back it up; the above assumptions are anecdotal. But it is generally accepted that moms sacrifice more of their lives to raising families than dads. Perhaps it is no accident that women experience more sleep dysfunction than men in their later years, or that they report more stress in their lives, even without careers.
But (and again, this is anecdotal) there is something more. Women want to take point with the children. Indeed, sometimes they demand the pole position in childrearing. Certainly, if most women took a firm stand against their husbands' lackadaisical attitude toward parenting, the men would fall into line (due to respect and consideration, not fear — right, fellas?). But many women do not. There is probably a part of the modern woman that still can't shake feeling subservient to her man. But I submit that women guard their roles as primary caregiver jealously. In my household, my wife can be quite feisty at any insinuation that I'm "the mom." Of course, I am, and it drives her crazy.
Why is this? Is it because society robs women of fulfillment outside the home? Is it a symptom of patriarchal oppression? Or is it because mothers understand something viscerally that fathers understand only academically — self-sacrifice? For almost a year, a mother gives her body to her child. Her food nourishes the baby before it nourishes her. If she does not consume enough calcium, the baby will leach it from her bones. She sacrifices sleep, mobility and comfort for the sake of the baby. She grows whole new body parts that serve no purpose other than the support and livelihood of her child. And what does a father contribute? Hopefully a couple foot massages and a drive to the hospital.
Taking care of a small child is a complete surrender of autonomy. You surrender your sleep, your daily schedule and most annoyingly, the use of one arm. My one-year-old seems to know when I'm on the phone, looking for a book at the library or even just daydreaming. These are the times when he will cry, fuss or open his mouth to utter a pointless but incessant noise. I'm a great lover of efficiency, but how many times have I had to cut an errand short to make nap time at home, only to have to return to the same shopping center later that afternoon? If that isn't subjugation, I don't know what is.
And yet, when I stop to think about it, this is the way it's supposed to be. It's we men who are charged with self-sacrifice and servanthood for the sake of our wives and families. Jesus Christ was a man, and he was the model for all men — he who had all knowledge, all powers of discernment, complete mobility to move about, freedom from pain and even the ability to liberate others from death and agony. He gave all this up for our sake — the sake of His children. And so we are called to the same task and honor.
If this is so, then why did God give women the role of child-bearer? Why make it so easy for them to understand and so difficult for us? Perhaps this is necessary to grow our faith and dependence on Providence. What good is it to take on a burden we're made to bear? It's better to bear a load that we aren't equipped for and bear it out of love.
I've heard it said that men are more intelligent than women. I doubt this, but if it is true, perhaps God granted us sharp minds for one reason — to know (not just believe) that we need to sacrifice ourselves for our wives and children. Look at that word: sacrifice. What does it mean? It means "to make holy." Parenting is a sacrament. Women understand this in their bodies. Men, we must understand this in our hearts and in our minds. Once we do this, then we can put our bodies into it.
And believe me, after a few weeks of dedicated child care, your will understand it with your body — if not quite as completely as mom does, then pretty darn close.
