Parenting
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
They're On Their Own: Why I'm Not Paying For My Kid's College
user
One of the questions I get
asked a lot as a mother of five kids, is "But how do you plan
to pay for their college?"
The answer: I
don't.
In
some circles, this admission is tantamount to saying you lock your
children in the closet as a form of discipline or let them eat
nothing but Doritos for breakfast most days: not technically abuse,
but a sure sign that you aren't really capable of meeting their
needs. These days, any self-respecting middle-class mom knows that
part of her job includes providing the means necessary for, at the
very least, a four-year degree at the best institution to which her
child is able to gain admission, plus the costs of room, board and
books (and let's face it,
beer).
I've
even heard parents argue passionately against requiring
college-going kids to hold part-time jobs to help defray costs,
because twenty hours a week spent slinging burgers or answering the
phone might prevent said young scholars from being able to
"fully immerse" themselves in the college
experience.
Cue
the
violins!
It's
not that I'm anti-college. I think higher education is great,
particularly when the student is motivated to succeed (which I
personally was not until I was in my twenties — after I'd
wasted plenty of money). I'd love it if each of my kids
finishes school, whether pursuing a specific career goal or simply
for the love of
learning.
It's
just that I've never considered getting them through to be in
my job
description.
I
spend most of my time caring for or working to provide for my
children (often, I'm doing both at the same time). I've
sacrificed my body, free time, career advancement, and much of my
cash for them. I rejoice over their successes. I grieve their
struggles. I want nothing more than for them to grow up into happy,
successful
people.
But
I have my
limits.
I'm
not saying my husband and I will kick them out the door the day
after they graduate high school, saying, "Well, good luck with
all that!" Our plan is to assist each of our children with
lots of support (including living at home if necessary),
encouragement, and information; and as much financial support as we
are able to — and that it makes sense to — give. Taking out a loan
for an ultra-motivated kid to pursue his dream of attending
Harvard? Sure. Reaching into my pockets to allow an unmotivated
child to finish a marginally useful degree without debt and make a
nearly effortless introduction to adulthood — while I'm left
paying the bill in middle age? I don't think
so.
Paying
our kids' ways through school has become such an integral part
of "good" parenting that we feel pressured to do it even
if footing the bill means mortgaging our own futures. Yet even Suze
Orman warns that it doesn't make sense to tap into our
retirement funds or put our own finances at risk in order to
subsidize the education of young, able-bodied people with lots of
time ahead of them. By doing so, couldn't we in effect punish
those adult children when they have to, one day, support our broke
and aging
butts?
To read the rest of the article, go to
babble.
Related: working, working, paying, paying, mortgage, mortgage, kids, kids, jobs, jobs, finance, finance, college, college
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Posted by js Tue Jul 14, 2009 6:44am PDT
i absolutely agree!
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Posted by Trish Tue Jul 14, 2009 6:44am PDT
i think thats great, my parents couldnt pay for my college so i did it myself. and while i only went to a community college for my associates degree, i managed to make it through without any debt. while living on my own, paying bills and working full time. its very do able. i had a friend that went away for college paid for by their grandparents, and they failed ever single class, but because i was paying for my classes and had a scholarship that paid for part of my tuition i needed to keep my grades up because it would be a waste of my money otherwise
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Posted by ashley Tue Jul 14, 2009 6:50am PDT
Well to each their own, I suppose.
My parents paid for my bachelor's degree (in Computer Information Systems), and thanks to them I am debt-free in my young 20s, have a fantastic job, and am absolutely happy and comfortable. I really, really appreciated it.
I did have a small scholarship, and I worked part-time in the beginning, full-time at the end, to pay for other expenses. But if it weren't for them, I'd probably be like some of my friends with 40k in debt in their 20s! Is that fair? I don't personally think it is.
My parent's had been saving up to send my sister and I to college for a long long time, and they were more than happy to do so, and we are in great positions because of it. I will do the same for my child if they are committed to that career path.
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Posted by Susan Tue Jul 14, 2009 7:18am PDT
I completely agree!! I've always thought that way.
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Posted by Tina Tue Jul 14, 2009 7:33am PDT
its actually all a terrible cycle... parents who never went to college themselves are usually not in a position to pay for their kids to co to college.... especially when they dont even have savings accounts and investments themselves.
My family had absolutely no money to help me pay for college. i had to go it alone.... after 4 years i just finished my criminal justice CERTIFICATE ! this may seem minute to most, but it was the most i could accomplish with my resources, and it took way longer than it should have.
I recently discovered that my school will no longer accept my stafford loans...therefore i am being forced to transfer to a more expensive school ( just to take out more $$ for more expensive tuition)
Life is hard... its all about the drive and ambition of each individual. if your parents cant pay...neither could mine !
~"Accept the challenges so that you can feel the exhilaration of victory." - General George Patton Jr
some people dont grow up spoiled brats with silver spoons in their mouths ....we have to struggle, and hustle... we can achieve anything we want, the important part is wanting it bad enough.
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Posted by Angela Tue Jul 14, 2009 7:42am PDT
I don't see anything wrong with this at all. My brother, sister, and I paid our own way through college, and there were a lot of other people there, not just kids, who were doing exactly the same thing.
Above all, you can't predict the future. I know my parents never planned for my father to die two weeks before my sister, the youngest, started her senior year in high school. No one knows what might happen to your family or your finances between birth and possible college decisions. With the way the economy is right now, no doubt a lot of college funds are non-existant.
I wouldn't want my mother, a widow, concerned with caring for her own aging mother, worrying about paying off my college debts. My parents helped me with what they could, and my mother helped my sister as much as she could. It's not right or fair for my college debt to become my mother's.
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Posted by Suzanne Tue Jul 14, 2009 7:44am PDT
Dear Ashley, First of all I am happy to see that you are grateful for the money they paid for you to go to college. But do you realize what they gave up for you to go to college? You say that you are debt free, happy and comfortable, are they? If they are personally rich, and that was their choice that is great but you said they saved up the money for your school. AGAIN, what did they miss out on because they saved for your college. I have 3 children and all have gone and finished college and we helped. What that means is they borrowed for student loans, worked full time and did not use the expensive campus food and lodging. As of today they are grateful that we did not fully fund their college. They learned alot about priorities, Maybe not in your case but alot of the time when someone else foots the bill they don't put as much effort into their school. The bottom line is money is not free and you need to learn that lesson as soon as possible.
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Posted by ashley Tue Jul 14, 2009 7:58am PDT
Suzanne,
As I mentioned, I was always working part-time, and full-time towards the end of school. I have now been working full-time for a few years.
I would have had to take out loans had my parents not paid tuition. My significant other, whose parents could not pay, is still struggling to pay off the massive debt that getting a 4-year degree incurs.
I'm not saying either way is right or wrong, but I would like to say that when parents help out that certainly does not mean the son/daughter will not put effort into school or learn priorities. They will still need to work to pay rent and for groceries. And if they do not do well in school, than they should be cut off.
I plan to give my children the same advantage I had, if they are determined and do well. My significant other agrees, even though he did not have help, he realizes how important it is.
I'm not here to change anyones minds, just wanted to let you know that it's not a bad thing to help your kids out if you can afford it, and it will be appreciated.
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Posted by Ahleah G Tue Jul 14, 2009 7:59am PDT
I do think that parents should not bear all of the cost burden of their kids education, and it really is not feasible with several children who will probably be overlapping in their college attendance. Parents should keep one thing in mind - colleges expect you to contribute and when making financial aid decisions factor this in. They also take into consideration your financial situation and other children that you have.
I went to an expensive private school (30-35k per year). My parents contributed a small portion to my tuition (maybe 2-3k per year), I took out student loans (3-4k per year) as required by my school to be eligible for aid, I had a National Merit Scholarship (6k per year), and I received aid from my school to cover the rest. I worked part time throughout college to provide my own spending money, and paid all my own bills when I lived off campus (well, I did get help with my security deposit). My brother chose to go to community college. My parents paid his full tuition and he lived at home. Their costs for both of us were similar in the end.
If I could not have gotten scholarships and financial aid, I would have not gone to my expensive school. Parents need to have discussions with their children about how much they are able to contribute and if this will limit the childs school choices. And students should expect to have some debt. Great if they don't, but much less commonplace. They should be reasonable about how much they are willing to accrue. My total student debt was around 14K. Considering the cost of my school I am lucky. I know people with 20, 30, 40k of student debt. I would not have been comfortable with that, and think it would have been too much of a burden for me to repay.
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Posted by ashley Tue Jul 14, 2009 8:00am PDT
Also, your comment "The bottom line is money is not free and you need to learn that lesson as soon as possible.", is a bit asinine. I worked full-time during college, still do after having graduated for some time, pay for everything now, so I'm pretty sure I know that.
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