Uncle Brett:
If your baby is 13 months old, my guess is that she's probably not a particularly competent walker--and that her perambulatory capabilities are significantly diminished when she's asleep--so I'm willing to put money on the assumption that if she's getting into your bed with you half-way through the night, she's not doing so of her own accord or on her own power. Given this supposition, the reverse is also likely true: that once she is in your bed, she's not skilled, capable, or motivated enough to remove herself from it, and clamber back into her crib. My conclusion therefore is that you are the one bringing her into your bed half- way through the night. If this is the case, the solution to your sleep, privacy, and intercourse-related issues is simple: Don't bring her into your bed half-way through the night. Next question?
In all seriousness, your daughter is not going to "solve" this problem for you--especially since you're the one who's creating the dilemma. You have to take charge of it (and yourself.) If she cries, go over to her crib and comfort her--pet her or feed or turn on her Fisher-Price Crib Pal Soothing Music Generator--but do it there, and then leave her there. She might cry. She might cry a lot. You can go back and lovingly reassure her another time if you want. But then walk away. My sister was in your situation for months. When she followed my advice, it took exactly one noisy night for her daughter to learn to sleep on her own. Your child may take longer, but in order to know, you have to grab the reins and start the process. You don't want to be one of those moms (and they really exist) making this same complaint about their 13 year old.
Have your own baby in the bed confessions?? Share them in the confessional!
*Brett Berk, M.S.Ed has worked with young children and families for over twenty years, and is the author of The Gay Uncle's Guide to Parenting (Random House, 2008). Visit him at www.askgayuncle.com
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