Top 3 Conversations Dads Dread

From the Community…

• 
  Posted by hobbit Wed Aug 12, 2009 11:38am PDT

  My mom always told me "do as I say not as I do" lol. at 20 yrs old we both agree that I have turned out alright. She never hid alcohol from me, instead once I was in my teens she allowed me small drinks here and there, usually off her wine cooler. As a result I have never felt the need to drink at a party while watching my friends get trashed. She didn't hide ciggs either, I tried them once and coughed so hard I haven't touched them since. When it came to having sex, I beat her to the conversation. However, when I posed the issue hypothetically she didn't yell or scream, she just told me to be careful and go get birth control. So yea I made my share of mistakes, but knowing my mom would be disappointed ( not angry, not screaming, not crying, just disappointed) curbed the rebellious teen in me. my mom is my best friend, but she's also my mom when it counts.I think that is what matters the most. So when your daughter says "dad did you do drugs?" look her in the eyes and say yes I did. Then tell her what it was like. Tell her you don't want her to do drugs and she better believe she will be grounded if she does, but if she screws up you are still gonna love her. And you will always be her ride home.

  Report Abuse
• 
  Posted by LB Wed Aug 12, 2009 12:16pm PDT

  My parents never tried to hide things from me. The hard alcohol in our house is in plain sight, but I never felt compelled to try it. I could easily steal their prescriptions if I was so inclined, but I've never wanted to. They allow me a great deal of freedom because I work hard in school and in life and they trust me, and I've never abused that freedom.

  Just stay open with your kid and candidly talk to them about these things as they grow up. It doesn't need to be one weighty conversation - just occasional exchanges as they grow up. Those have the biggest impact.

  Report Abuse
• 
  Posted by Cristina Wed Aug 12, 2009 1:50pm PDT

  Don't lie about how many drugs you did. You should be perfectly honest, because no one knows the stakes better than you, no one knows the reality of drugs better than you. I have an older British friend who was a high-end drug dealer in his youth, he saw tons of s--- and in the end he wound up in jail in Iran, and it was a total miracle that he got out. He has 5 grown up sons, and his best protection for them against drugs was humbly and honestly telling them his stories and showing them the danger that lies behind all the glamour. And, I'm glad to say that all his sons are completely clean, despite being really wild characters, because their dad had the guts and respect for them to be totally honest.

  It's like being a surfer and knowing that there are sharks on a certain beach. You don't go there because you have a friend that got mauled there, and you learned from their mistake that it's dangerous. Of course, your daughter has to make the decision to learn from your mistakes, but in the end it can only help you to be upfront and honest with her since the beginning. God bless...

  Report Abuse
• 
  Posted by JoKTM Wed Aug 12, 2009 4:52pm PDT

  Lying to your child is not right. My mom never lied about trying drugs. She told me what she tried and why me and my brother should never try them. My brother and I never tried. My mom told us my dad was not her first but my mom was my dads first. My husband is my first and only and we will tell our kids I was not his first and only.

  Let your child gain wisdom from your mistakes or misteps.

  Report Abuse
• 
  Posted by Diana Thu Aug 13, 2009 6:16am PDT

  Isn't it odd how it turns out hobbit? The ones that are sheltered are the ones that get into it. My parents used to let me try alcohol too, and I never felt the need to try it other than in my own house, where it was only a little bit. It seems that the parents that try so hard to tell there kids that it's bad and lock it up away in their pantry (I had a friend whose parents did this to her when she was younger, and now she's an alcoholic and a druggie) are always the ones that end up piqueing their kids curiosity and they feel they need to try it. Whereas when I was offered alcohol, it was more like a "been there, done that" thing, and the one time I had very little at a friends house it wasn't even enough to get either of us buzzed.

  My dad was constantly trying to get me to try cigars too, but I never would because the smoke bothered me when he would smoke them so I figured the smoke would bother me more if I smoked them. I did have a small stint with cigarettes, but not till after I turned 18 and I think the only reason I got a little addicted to them was because I'm hypoglycemic and cigarettes raise your blood sugar.

  And I've never even seen drugs, much less tried them. All the friends that have talked about drugs in front of me, I've made it 100% clear that I'm not interested so they never invite me if drugs are involved.

  And my mom did every kind of drug and alcohol she could find when she was hunger, as well as having sex with different men on a whim.

  The sex place is the only place my parents would be disappointed, although I don't know why, because I've had sex with my then-boyfriend although they still don't know it after we dated for a year and I thought we were getting married. We're broken up now, and I kind of regret it, but I really don't think it's some big deal they're making it out to be.

  My point is, my mom was honest, my parents were open, and I haven't gotten into any trouble.

  Oh, also, I will say that one of my friends her mom went even so far as to allow her to try a little bit of drugs in her house, just to see what it was like. She was not impressed and she hasn't touched it since.

  Don't try to lock your kids up parents, it will just make them want to break out more.

  Report Abuse
• 
  Posted by JennyK Thu Aug 13, 2009 8:14am PDT

  As for the drug talk, I would be very open with your daughter and tell her what you've done and the dangers. Let her know that drugs are not alright and that there will be consequences for using them. When I was younger, my parents would smoke pot in front of us and it gave off the idea that it was okay. Because of that my brother is now a pothead and I've more than dabbled myself. They did tell us about other drugs and how terrible they were and I have no inclination to ever do them and neither does my brother even though he smokes pot.

  The sex talk is so important and it is important to address it when it is brought up by the child (if it is early) or when they hit puberty. I was never given a sex talk when I asked. The response was always "You are too young." so I decided to look it up in an encyclopedia and found out the basic idea on my own. I didn't know about protection or abstinence until I got to middle school which in my opinion is too late since many of my friends were beginning to experiment with sex already. I think just being straight forward and honest when she comes to you with questions is the best way to go.

  Now the Rock n Roll talk, I think that it would be good to start early. Put on your music and let you kids hear it and relate memories to certain songs. My parents would play everything from Hank Williams to Bach to Flock of Seagulls to Ozzy, ect. and my taste has been influenced like theirs. I have developed my own taste in music and they don't care for most of the bands but at the end of the day my favorites are always the old music my parents introduced me to. Plus, maybe your daughter (like I have) will introduce you to some good music you might not have thought you liked.

  Good luck!

  Report Abuse
• 
  Posted by RobinS Thu Aug 13, 2009 2:00pm PDT

  You know, I never had the sex talk. I just always knew when I found the right guy for me that I didn't want to give him the left overs. I wanted to get him everything. I didn't and still don't see why people rush to have sex. I'm 21 years old and still have not had sex. Yes I am dating someone for almost 9 months now. We are also planning on getting married.. in the future though. We want to live the moment, not rush it. I think it's funny when friends ask us if we've had sex or not yet and they always laugh. I scream in my head "IT'S ONLY BEEN 9 MONTHS PEOPLE!!!" haha. Were both not ready to have a baby right now. Tell her to live her life in the moment and the other stuff will come. I don't think you have to go all into detail since sex ed is around now but just ask her to wait for the right one, and be at least 21 years old. she'll be more mature in knowing who's the right one for her.. not 16 years old. On the cigs, I tried it but never liked it. You could pull up some pictures of aids/hiv/ lung cancer and ask her if she wants to look like that for the rest of her life. That's what I did to myself. haha. Now for the rock and roll talk.. there is never to early of an age(unless cuss words and such are in it). I've been listening to all different types of music since the day I was born.. literally.I'm a country girl but when it comes down to my true fav.s its a toss up between REO Speedwagoon, Frankie Vallie and the four season, boston, eagles, Elton John, and meat loaf. Yes, I have a wide range. haha. But it'd rather listen to the oldies music more than country anyday. It reminds me of when i was younger.. and everything was normal. The drug talk.. I never got that either.. but I've also never have done any drug in my life. Yes, seen it many of times but I've seen growing up what it did to friends and family an knew I'd never want that for myself or my future family. I never get into peer pressure.. I think I'm to hard headed for that. When someone tells me there going to try and get me high or drunk it was a total turn off. So actually peer pressure helped me a lot. Ask her what her goals are in life and really stick to those. Tell her she doesn't need the drugs to make her a better and stronger person, she's a better and stronger person for not using them. :)

  Report Abuse
• 
  Posted by Anna Thu Aug 13, 2009 2:07pm PDT

  well said hobbit!

  my parents always had alcohol around. i had my first sip (a very tiny sip) of beer when i was about 2 or 3. my parents got a kick out of my reaction. i always had a shot glass of champagne on new years eve. my mom figured if it was around me and i had little tastes of it that i would be less inclined to drink as an adult. and she was right. i drink maybe once every other month if that, and it's usually just one drink. i'm proud to say i've never been drunk. i think it's more fun to watch the drunks make fools of themselves than to be the fool.

  the same thing goes with cigarettes. my parents smoked my whole life. my mom even smoked when she was pregnant with me. being around it all the time made me hate it. i can't stand the smell. i think my hatred for cigarettes has helped to keep me off pot since it's usually smoked. ew. i have no idea where to get it anyway. i think i'd be too afraid of getting arrested. i knew a few potheads over the years and they're total burnouts. their lives are just as pathetic as in the after school specials. i know that's not so for all people who smoke weed, but seeing what might happen is enough to keep me away from all drugs.

  my parents did lose the battle with sex and "devil music." i think it's because they were much stricter about those. apparently sex is evil and so is heavy metal. i greatly enjoy having sex with my metal-loving boyfriend. ;)

  Report Abuse
• 
  Posted by swt19dreams Thu Aug 13, 2009 4:12pm PDT

  My parents never had any of the talks with me. Most everyone in my extended family drank heavily and I remember when I was like 5 hearing everyone fighting and acting up because of alcohol. My grandfather died of alcoholism and my uncle almost ran over my cousin because of it, and then a few months later my aunt was almost killed by a drunk driver. I never tried alcohol until I was 18 and only drank a few times before i was 21. After turning 21 it was like "what's the point, get sh*tfaced, wake up sick as a dog just to say I'll never do that again" I had more important things to do. My parents smoked, I hated the smell of it and still gag when I have to put up with it, never tried a cigarette in my life. As for drugs, I really never had a desire to try them. I had a good group of friends that at most maybe 2 of them ever got high and I just didn't have time for it. Not to mention I had no idea how to smoke, hated needles at the time and putting stuff up my nose gives me chills.

  As for sex, I wish my parents would have had the sex talk with me, but all things considered I didn't have sex until I was 19, it was my experiment in college but I don't regret any of it. I'm embarrassed by it if anything. I was lucky to never have any problems.

  In the end, be a good parent, be honest, talk to them and accept that they will make mistakes and they can always count on you to be there for them. My mom is my best friend, even if she never had the talks, she was honest and always left me know I could come to her if I wanted or needed her. She loved me with open arms and I never doubted it for a moment. She's my number one fan and that's all you need to be for your daughter.

  Report Abuse
• 
  Posted by Quinda Coley Thu Aug 13, 2009 4:31pm PDT

  well my mom didnt hide drinkin from me... she didnt want me to drink either and the reason I chose to drink when I did wasn't because we didn't have the talk. As kids we look at our parents and watch their moves and we pick and chose what we want to copy and we learn from their mistakes. My mom was an alcoholic so I stayed away when everyone else was tryin things they had no business. As an adult I chose to drink when I want but responsibly. Havin an honest talk with our children is the best idea to me. I think we need to tell them before the streets tell them their version. Honesty can only keep the doors open for communication down the line.

  Report Abuse