User post: A single mom...AGAIN!

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  Posted by CANIS Mon Sep 14, 2009 2:24am PDT

  You sorta gave up full control of your life when you had a daughter. It really isn't just yours anymore. You are expected to share it..please don't take this the wrong way but once you get over your selfishness the resentment will follow.

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  Posted by Red Mon Sep 14, 2009 7:13am PDT

  thank you, CANIS...when i search my heart of hearts i realize i sound like a selfish brat, but my actions are purely that of a loving mother who would do anything for her children...i guess the tantrum-throwing comes from a place inside of me that is watching the life i'd hoped to have remain on 'pause' so that i can do what he refuses to do...all those years i had them i never minded the 'pause' button...but now that i've seen what 'play' feels like, i can't help but want to keep it on 'play'...i'll never abdicate my role as a mother, nor regret it...i just wonder if there will ever be a time - while i'm still young! - when i will get to hit 'play' again...i'm not sure how long i can wait, but i guess i gave up that choice the day i went from being a girl to being a mommy...where's the 'rewind' button on this thing?!?!?...lol...thank you CANIS for your comments...

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  Posted by Leslie Mon Sep 14, 2009 8:06am PDT

  Dear Red I would like to tell you that when you do have children you do give up a lot of the freedom you had when you didnt have children and in having children and dreams and goals you would like to accomplish it isn't about diong one or the other but it is about balance.True you may not get a chance to complete everything in the time frame you would like but bieng committed to your kids is just as important as bieng committed to yourself.Of course you may harbor bad feelings towards your ex husband but don't let him take control of what you do because of his actions. It seems as though you were able to get alot done when the children were away, well you have your daughter back and now as part of bieng a mom you just have to prioritze things a bit diffrently.Take control again and know that it can be done. Balance is Key. good Luck and I wish you well.

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  Posted by Mo B Mon Sep 14, 2009 8:27am PDT

  I don't understand why being a single mother envolpes your life to the point where you don't date or have time for you business. I am a single mom, I date, work full time, coach my daughter's soccer team and still have time for a social life and to date (although it is far less time then my friends w/out kids). It also sounds like your kids are not toddlers but at least tweens, so why does it consume your whole life to the point where you are resentful to your ex? Going into having my daughter I knew I was putting my wants and dreams to the side and I had her knowing that, came as no surprise when I left her dad that I would do it all alone. It's part of being a mom, you come after your kids all the time.

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  Posted by Red Mon Sep 14, 2009 8:31am PDT

  thank you, leslie! you're right - life is like a full plate, and how we hand it is all about portion control...taking each part of our lives in moderation - handling the 'meat and potatoes' first, and enjoying the dessert later. but any dieter will tell you it's so hard to enjoy every bite of your meal and to chew slowly when your dessert is staring you in the face! ...lol... but it is what must be done, and i can't leave the table until i do...darn! ...lol... thank you! i wWILL find my balance again. i had it before, i just need to find it inwardly and outwardly again.

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  Posted by Red Mon Sep 14, 2009 9:13am PDT

  amr1248...your comment made me think - why is it that i feel i can't do it all at once? and the answer is strange, but true. my personality is such that i can only effectively maintain one passion at a time...if i am passionate about one thing (like the upbringing of my children) it is really hard for me to give my heart completely or even proportionately to anything else. i don't know why that is, and i don't consider it a character flaw, but it's just how i am...kinda strange, huh? ...lol...

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  Posted by Jess Mon Sep 14, 2009 9:43am PDT

  Selfish? And what about her father? Seems to me that you have a right to be angry - it sounds to me that the only person being selfish here is your daughter's father.

  I have looked and looked, but I have yet to find where it is written in stone that a mother is required to take FULL RESPONSIBILTY for her children while the father is permitted to pick and choose when and under what circumstances he will provide care for the children he fathered. Utterly ridiculous! He parented the children 50% - the responsibility is shared, whether he likes it or not. Please - don't let this man walk all over you when it concerns parenting - he needs to own up to the responsibility just as much as you do, and from your post it doesn't sound like he's even coming close to doing that.

  Also, you only mention your daughter here - are we to assume that your son is with him, while your daughter is with you? Wow, I'm sure that makes your daughter feel great - imagine the rejection she must feel knowing that her father wants your son but not her! Sounds like your ex is extremely self-centered and mature - luckily you see things differently and are able to step up to the plate to care for your children.

  With that said, caring for children does NOT mean that you have to give up 100% of your life to them. It is important for you to not only to schedule some well-needed down time for yourself (even dates - there is absolutely NO reason why you should not be dating if you so desire) but also to continue seeking and setting goals for yourself on a personal and financial level. By taking care of yourself, you are setting a good example for your children as to how to be healthy, well-adjusted adults. Believe me - you are not harming your children by having a productive life... remember, kids are basically adults-in-training, and our job as parents is to prepare them how to be independent of us. What better way to teach them than by example?

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  Posted by Red Mon Sep 14, 2009 10:06am PDT

  jess...i love your comment! thank you! one of the very first issues i brought up with her father the day he said she couldn't come home was the fact he had chosen our son over our daughter. i pray my daughter never resents him for that, but i dealt with abandonment issues at her age, and after all these years, it still burns.

  thank you for 'hearing' me, and i will definitely learn to balance out my life. this is all still new for me, so mostly i'm venting. but i am also interesting in advice on how to find that balance. you gave great advice and i will definitely be taking it.

  enjoy your day!

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  Posted by muse72 Mon Sep 14, 2009 11:12am PDT

  I wish I could offer some great word or two of wisdom, but unfortunately, I've been single parenting for a year and a half (after 16 years of marriage came to an end) and I'm still trying to figure out the balance myself. I have a 15 year old and her father's actions and former substance abuse led up to his only having supervised visits once a month and he can't take her out of my home or away from me until he demonstrates that he is in fact straightned up. He hates not seeing her, but does not hate the freedom he now has with his girlfriend. I, on the other hand, had to secure a new place to live, take on additional work, and make sure our child stays well adjusted and stay strong for her. thank God I was already working when we spearated or I really would have had a mess. Dating? Not since the separation-can't seem to find the time to really get out and try to meet anyone. Teenagers require more time than people realize-at least until they are able to drive-part-time jobs, after school functions, the list can seem to be endless. I haven't even really had time to grieve the loss of my marriage fully, to be honest. Hang in there, it can only get better! :)

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  Posted by Kimmi Mon Sep 14, 2009 11:12am PDT

  Hey Red,

  You should have made her stay with her father, when you are a parent times get hard and you do not always want to deal with your child but that when being an adult come in and you fix the problem not give it away. if you put your foot down they will have to deal with it. Nothings worst for a child than having an un-happy mother.....keep up the good work and everything will be okay!!

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