Hi, my name is Jade and I am 22 years old and I have one daughter
who will be 2 in November.
My husband and I have been split up for about 9 months now and
I am also 8 months pregnant by some one who is not my husband (soon
to be ex). He claims it is his child I am pregnant with when
I know it is not. He is trying to push for a paternity test
and I believe in doing this he is trying to make things harder on
me because he is still upset about my leaving him and kicking him
out. He does not take care of our daughter when he has her and he
fights me when I try to have him spend time with her, he pays no
support, and tries to deny she is even his every other week, and
has threatened to pursue a paternity test on her as well.
I have no idea what I am supposed to do because he says he
wants to see her and that he loves her but he expects me to thank
him after he takes her. I told him I will never thank him
for taking care of his own child because it's just something he
needs to do.
He has never had her on his own overnight and when she cries he
doesn't wake up. I am afraid to let him take her for more than
a few hours at a time because i think something bad may happen.
(Like if he gets really tired he will fall asleep and wont wake up
no matter how much she cries, he's done this before.) I want
him to spend more time with her because he needs to learn how to
take care of her, but he only wants her when it is convenient for
him. If I try to go anywhere fun when he has her, he tries to give
me a time restriction (i.e.: he picked her up at 6pm and told me I
had to come get her before 9pm or he was going to drop her off at
my parents' house.)
He says he it's not that he expects me to thank him for taking
care of her, it's that he had to change his plans so he could
watch her for me. He doesn't realize that for the 7 months he
had moved 3 hours away I had to change ALL of my plans to take care
of her while he went out and tried to sleep with every woman in
sight! I don't care that he went out with other women but he
tries to blame me having her all the time on the fact that I wanted
primary custody (obviously due to the fact he cant take care of
her).
What do you think I should do? Should I just say "forget
it" and stop letting him see her? Or continue how things are
going? My little girl loves him to death but she does not see him
as someone who is able to take care of her, I can tell this by the
way she is uncomfortable when we are in a room with him and I
leave. She freaks out and cries and screams until she
physically gets sick because she doesn't realize
"daddy is supposed to be able to take care of me just as well
as mommy." When she was a new baby he rarely interacted
with her or took care of her to the point that when I made him move
out (which by that time our daughter was over a year old). She
did not even notice that he was gone. She showed no change in
attitude or anything. Yet, I had a friend who stayed with us for
about a month who played with her and helped me take care of her
every day,and when he left she noticed and asked for him,
also she remembered him when he came back. I don't know
what to do, but that's my situation.
User post: How do I change how my soon-to-be ex husband acts with our daughter?
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Comments 1-4 of 4
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Posted by Tue Oct 13, 2009 12:12pm PDT
Report Abusejade, unfortunately the "family unit" has gone by the wayside. I was a single mom for nine years. Focused on my girls and not men. Both daughters now 21 and 22 are very independent ladies. I remarried when they were almost out of middle school. I gave both my children to the Lord at 3 and 4 years old. I refused child support from their alcholic father, and made ends meet. My advice is focus on your children. Keep men away for awhile. Love and enjoy your babies. Pray and lean on God's word. Now is the time to shift your thinking because it is not working anymore. Much love from one who has been there done that. God Bless you Lady.
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Posted by Wed Oct 14, 2009 10:02am PDT
Report AbuseYou need to sit down with your husband for a serious talk. Tell him that if he wants to be a father, then he has to act like one. Let him know that he either needs to be more responsible with your daughter, or he will only be allowed to have short-term, supervised visits with her when YOU decide it's okay. If she has a good relationship with him, you don't want to destroy that, but her safety and well-being come first. Tell him you'll let him have his paternity test when its safe for the baby--call his bluff. If he's really just doing it to bug you, then he'll back off once its no longer working. If not, then he should back off once the test comes back.
Before you do anything, though, consult a lawyer to make sure that you and your children are protected. Also, he should be paying you child support for your daughter, so talk to your lawyer about that, too.
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Posted by Wed Oct 14, 2009 10:25am PDT
Report Abuseyou wrote'What do you think I should do? Should I just say "forget it" and stop letting him see her?'
Here is this fathers input. If the child is his you have no right to 'stop' visitation.
Get the paternity test and go from there.
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Posted by Thu Oct 15, 2009 4:19pm PDT
Report AbuseLegally, your husband still has every right to see the child and is presumed the father sinc eyou had her while you were married. Only a paternity test saying otherwise is gonna let him off the hook.
In the custody order there should be provisions for child support. If he isn't paying you any now then you will get back pay. Make sure you record EVERYTHING he pays and everything he doesn't.
As far as visitiation.... wouldn't let him near my kid but you can't help it. I am in a similar situation. You must document EVERYTHING and tell it to the judge. Most importatnly your child's reaction to him. You need to write an exact parenting plan (down to when bedtime it, appropriate movies to watch, places he can take her or can't) WITH your lawyer and have him sign it. And include that he needs to take parenting classes and that you are requesting supervised visits with a court appointed person since he is an unfit father.
For now, you tell him that he can come over for a few hours certain days of the week and see your child. WITH you present. I wouldn't allow him to take him from the home.... and he can't! Call the police if he tries... you aren't banning him from seeing his daughter.... just taking him from the home.
But you need to have a custody agreement PRONTO. Remember, don't be a victim... be proactive. You have more rights than you think. The truth is... he probably doesn't want to pay child support and wants to keep it out of the courts for that purpose. So he is bullying you know to see the kid without paying anything... he wants the best of both worlds. Don't let him get away with that. you have a responsibility to your daughter... if he isn't appropriate for her to be around then you don't let her out of your sight. There is nothing wrong with giving him the only option of seeing her in your home. If he refuses... his loss and the courts will see that he really isn't interested. And will severely decrease his visistation allowance.
I don't know why you are changing your life to accomodate his. You are pregnant, in a relationship, and trying to be a mom at the same time. Everything is on your time and the child's... not his schedule. If he really wants to see the child... then he will make time to see her a few hours in your home when you say it isn't disruptive to your life. The courts may grant him overnights eventually when his behavior improves, but right now you have the power and exercise it!
By the way.... loving your kid does not make you a good dad. My soon to be ex-husband loves his kids... but is a horrible dad in a sense that he isn't a good caretaker.
Document and calendar all emails, conversations, texts, phone conversations... everything.
I'm in a similar situation as you and just wrote a blog about it on Shine. But guess what? People commented and made me feel empowered to take action. A few phone calls with a couple attorneys, my sister (who had similar baby daddy drama)... and now I'm ready to take action for my kids!
Comments 1-4 of 4
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