User post: How would you respond to your 4-year-old questioning her skin color?

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  Posted by Laurel Mon Oct 19, 2009 2:39pm PDT

  Determined,

  You have to love children! Bless her heart and it's wonderful that she is exploring her world and recognizing differences. I have a degree in Early Childhood and my favorite class involved learning about diversity when children are small. I have some wonderful children's books at home that would be perfect for your daughter's age. I will subscribe to your blog and visit again to leave the titles. My best friend who is white but has a bi-racial daughter. She is my God daughter and she started to question the color of her skin at around four or five. I think some of this stems from noticing that there is a difference maybe with others around them and sometimes this is heightened by what other people or children say and your child hears. Above all she should realize and maybe you can explain to her that everyone is beautiful and a color doesn't change your heart. There is no a thing wrong with her because she is different. That makes her special in her own way. I will def. get those titles for you because two that I am thinking of I know she would enjoy and may put any worry or fear to rest. God bless you and your family.

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  Posted by cg Mon Oct 19, 2009 2:45pm PDT

  Sounds like someone else beat you to the skin color discussion. I really don't think she would be asking this at 4 y.o. if it hadn't been asked of her. Now the important question is did the mother of her friend ask or the friend? Not sure it really matters because if the friend asked it is most likely that she has heard her mother ask or discuss this subject. Although most of us know it really shouldn't matter it does to some folks.

  The most important thing to teach your daughter is that what is inside a person matters much more than the color of skin on the outside. The other side of that principle is that if it matters to someone what color your skin is then that tells you something about their insides! And it ain't pretty.

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  Posted by ~Determined~ Mon Oct 19, 2009 2:57pm PDT

  cg..

  I agree.

  You are right.

  I thought maybe her friend asked her what color she was and that could have sparked the conversation from that second forward.

  Thank you for stopping by.

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  Posted by Mira Jacob, Shine staff Mon Oct 19, 2009 6:39pm PDT

  Determined, I think someone was bound to ask your daughter that question sooner or later, so I wouldn't worry too much if it was her friend, as long as it was just curiosity between kids. I remember the first time someone made me aware of my skin color--it was strange, like finding out I was made of water when everyone else was made of air. My boy is also biracial, so I'm curious about what he'll think when the time comes. At any rate, I think most kids want to be like their friends when they are younger. When your girl is older, she'll probably appreciate her heritage, so remember, this is just your first conversation about race and color, not your last. She'll change how she feels about her skin tone (and everything else!) her whole life. I'm sure with a mother as aware as you are, she'll have a good sounding board when she needs it.

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  Posted by Johnny Mon Oct 19, 2009 6:46pm PDT

  Kids are always around and listening to us adults all the time. They take everything in from the World around. It is amazing how young this develops. You sound like a great family with wonderful kids. I hope the best for you all because you deserve it.

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  Posted by kellyb Mon Oct 19, 2009 6:52pm PDT

  explain to her her skin color is just like eye color, and everyone's is a little different. she sounds really cute : )

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  Posted by miss my family Mon Oct 19, 2009 7:36pm PDT

  I can remember times when I was younger wanting to be black, or asian, or mexican, I just wanted to because I had friends that had those skin tones and I thought they were pretty. I don't think it's abnormal to wish you looked different at different points in life. It's just important to make sure she understands no color is better than another. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

  My parents just made sure we knew everyone was equal and just because you are a certain skin tone doesn't mean your better/worse then the next kid. Their biggest statements to us (besides telling us that they thought we were beautiful :D) was God made everyone what they are and in his eyes you are beautiful. Their biggest thing was "God chose your skin tone. He decided that's what was best for you. But he also chose your friends skin tone and features for them. No one's higher or lower in his eyes." I think they always wanted us to accept ourselves and others. And it worked. I mean of course your never fully satisfied with your looks but it did help to hear that and I never once questioned "is that person higher/lower than me because of their skin."

  I think you should just make sure she doesn't look down on herself but also make sure she doesn't think she's better then everyone else. It helps if she points out "that persons black" ask her "and what else do you know about them" so she learns to focus on peoples qualities instead of whether they have a certain skin tone.

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  Posted by ~Determined~ Mon Oct 19, 2009 7:45pm PDT

  All of the prior comments are so true and helpful.

  Thank you all for stopping in and sharing your views and suggestions, they are all greatly appreciated!

  Have a great one and thanks again!

  Determined

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  Posted by Robyn Mon Oct 19, 2009 8:55pm PDT

  http://www.acei.org/racism.pdf

  http://loveisntenough.com/2007/02/28/talking-to-kids-about-race-and-physical-appearance/

  http://www.parents.com/parenting/better-parenting/teaching-tolerance/talking-about-race-with-kids/

  http://www.babycenter.com/0_how-to-talk-to-your-child-about-race_3657102.bc

  http://www.whyzz.com/parenting-preschoolers-and-prejudice-expert-qaa-ages-2-5

  (on this last one skip down about 1/2 a page then begin reading for the tips)

  im in the preschool setting and deal with this everyday in a school with 50 children we have one black child and one indian ( as in india) child, many of the children will mention something so your not alone, talk to your daughters teacher as well and look around the room at school to see if their are multi-cultural books, pictures ect to show the class that everyone is different but its not a bad thing

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  Posted by Erika K Mon Oct 19, 2009 11:02pm PDT

  I'm hispanic and my husband is black and when our son asked about his skin color and other people's , we just told him some peopel's family come from different parts of the world. The darker the people the stronger the sun , the lighter the weaker the sun. :)

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