My wedding is 8 months away and I am facing a dilema.... should I
stick with my plan of not having anyone walk me down the aisle or
for the sake of not hurting feelings, let my Dad and/or my Stepdad
walk me down the aile?
Let me preface this by saying we are having a non-traditional
wedding on the beach that will include both a Christian ceremony
and a hand-fasting to recognize both of our beliefs and will be
writing our own vows. We want our wedding to be very unique and
expressive of our personalities.
Now for some background on the walking down the aisle solo
situation.
First off, I consider myself a very modern woman,and don't like
what the traditions of "asking for my hand in marriage"
and being "given away" symbolize. I AM NOT TRYING TO
OFFEND ANYONE, these are my personal beliefs here and the
traditions of a man asking your father's permission to marry
you and being given away to your husband by your father harken back
to a time when women were considered property of thier fathers and
husbands. I personally feel that I am not anyone's property and
don't need anyone's permission to marry or to be given away
to my husband. I am entering this union of my own free will, and
want my engagement and cermony to symbolize that.
The second peice of that scenario is that I do not have a good
relationship with my father. He was a drug addict until I was 15
and chose his drug addiction and lifestyle over me. Yes, I saw him
often, but only when it was convienient for him, and he wasn't
there for me emotionally or financially and he put me through all
sorts of hell when he was using drugs. He only wanted the
"fun" part of being a father and none of the
responsibility. He is clean now, but our relationship is far from
stable. He is a very "me first" person and is very self
absorbed. I am sure he loves me in his own way, and has apologized
for the past, but his actions speak far louder than his words
and has shown over the years that I will never be as important to
him as he is to himself. I am not close with him at all, even
though we live together. One day he will be all about being #1 Dad,
and the next I barely exist. I could go on and on about his
behavior and the way it has affected me and how it makes me feel,
but bottom line, no matter what I have done or said to him over the
years has not made a difference in his attitude, but he just really
doesn't get this at all and thinks he's this great Dad and
that we should have this aweosme relationship. Whether this is
denial or self-absorption on his part I don't know. I have
distanced myself in order to prtoect myself and am at a point in my
life where I am seeing his behavior for what it is and also seeing
how it has affected my life and who I am. Because of our
relationship I have decided that I don't want him to walk me
down the aisle. I am going to do a father-daughter dance at my
reception to recognize him and honor him and have told him that
although I don't want anyone walking me down the aisle,(I gave
him the outdated traditon reason I stated above) I want
to do a father daughter dance with him as a special and unique way
of honoring him. I just feel like it would be so fake to have my
father "give me away" when I don't feel like he has
been much of a father to me at all and also I feel like it would be
enabling his bad behavior and reinfocing his imagined belief that
we have this great realtionship. He's really pushing the
walking down the aisle thing and pouting that my
fiance didn't ask his permission. I told my Dad that I
told my fiance I would find that insulting that I would
need permission from anyone to marry him and my fiance was
respecting my wishes. He's still being really immature about
the whole situation and giving me a lot of guilt and acting all
passive agressive.
I have a step-father who is a great man and has always supported me
financially, and treated me like a daughter, but emotionally we are
not close due in part to our personality differences and things
that went on in our home when I lived there. I respect him a lot,
but don't want him to walk me down the aisle either. Although
he would be my first choice to do so, I am just not that mean to
slap my father in the face like that. I really don't want both
of them to walk me down the aisle either because my parents all
hate eachother and I feel like that would be fake bs as well to act
like we all got along and they raised me jointly. I have requested
instead to have my stepdad play a song as I walk down the aisle as
a special and unique way to honor and recognize him since he is an
amazing musician and composer. He is ok with the whole situation
and understands why I have made the choice that I have, or
at least repects it and is not making me feel bad about
the whole thing.
I feel pretty strongly about the whole not being "given
away" thing, but my fiance thinks it's a defense mechanism
and that if I had a better realtionship with my Dad I would be
happy to have him do it. Maybe he's right to an extent, but I
still feel it's a bit outdated. He also thinks that maybe I
should just suck it up for a day and let my Dad or both my Dad and
Stepdad walk me down the aisle and maybe it could help my
relationship with my father. I have a conundrum here and am ready
to just go elope so I don't have to deal with this, although I
know I would be dissapointing a lot of people, my fiance
included.
What I want to know is, has anybody else been through a similar
situation? How did you handle it? What would you do in my shoes? Is
there a right or wrong answer here or should I stick to my guns
since it is MY wedding and do things the way I want to. Any
OBJECTIVE or EXPERIENCED ADVICE would be helpful,
I'm NOT LOOKING FOR OPINIONS OR
JUDGEMENTS please.
User post: Should I let my Dad walk me down the aisle?
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Posted by Mon Nov 23, 2009 10:09am PST
Report AbuseIt's your wedding. I would suggest thinking things over carefully. Especially if there is a grain of truth to what your fiance says about your 'defense mechanism'. That said, your choice to walk alone is completely understandable and not out of place. Neither is it offensive.
Personally, I feel your stepdad would be the more meaningful choice simply because he has been more of a 'father' than the man that happened to contribute to your conception. But that's my opinion.
I hope you make the decision that is right for you and not because you're bending to pressure. I wish you all the best and congratulations on your new life together. :)
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Posted by Mon Nov 23, 2009 10:14am PST
Report AbuseI can definitely appreciate your circumstances and it definitely sounds like you had to grow up way before you were supposed to. That's extremely unfortunate because kids should enjoy being kids and not have to worry about parents who don't have it together.
I can understand your anguish in your situation, but your wedding might be an excellent time to be the adult and show the older people how it is done.
I woudl suggest that maybe your stepdad bring you down the aisle to your father and then your father takes you to the alter. That way out of pure respect you acknowledge both and everyone in attendance will acknowledge the grace you exhibit towards these two men. I am sure most will know your story and will applaud you for your grown-up decision.
As far as the "giving away" part, I would never consider any of my three daughter as mere chattel. As a father who loves his daughters I am ENTRUSTING this man that she has chosen to love her and protect her just as I have done to this point. They are and will always be daddy's girls even when they are grown and beautiful women. So it's not about trading a piece of property, it's about ensuring that he is endeared to my little girl as I am. Those will be sad days because they will no longer need their father, but they will also be very happy days because we are raising our three girls to be wonderful strong confident wives and mothers just as they have seen in their mom now.
I don't know if this helps, but I just thought I would try to encourage you. I stumbled across this post and I actually have no idea where it is at so best of luck and I hope you have a long and wonderful marriage and a beautiful wedding day. :o)
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Posted by Mon Nov 23, 2009 10:24am PST
Report AbuseHoney, you do what makes you happy. If you were never close with you father and he always picked himself above you, then no way should you feel guilty or make him make YOU feel guilty about your decision. I know ex-addicts like that. They neglect their kids and mistreat their families, then when they get clean, they act like they were always the greatest people and never did anything wrong. Will lie to others that didn't know them then about how great they were and make you seem like a liar to these people. My sister does this to our family all the time. Don't go along with it. Don't "suck it up". He is lucky he is even invited. This is your day. Don't let anyone ruin it. My father passed away before I got married. My brother walked with me...not my oldest brother, the brother I chose. It's your wedding, it's your day.
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Posted by Mon Nov 23, 2009 10:30am PST
Report AbuseThat is a really had situation. I don't think there is one right answer. I wonder if you should just let your father walk you down the aisle if it would be best for your relationship in the long run. But it is your day! One solution that came to me is to walk down the aisle with your fiance. I know it is not tradition, but your said you weren't about tradition. But it probably still would not make your Dad happy. I think that if your Dad is going to hold a grudge for the rest of his life that he didn't get to walk you down the aisle, then maybe you should let him, but you may not know the answer to that question. I also think you could let your Dad and your Stepdad walk you down the aisle. I don't think it will be as fake as you think. I lot of family have parts that don't get along anymore, but they are civil (hopefully) at big events like a wedding. The people at your wedding should understand that. If your Stepdad has been their for you then I think it would be OK to have them both walk you down the aisle. It is not about how they feel towards each others, but that they both care/love for you. Lastly is how you will feel if you give in and do let your Dad or both of them to walk you down the aisle? Will you be upset whenever you look back at your wedding that you didn't get to do it how you wanted? I think that is what it comes down to, it how many problems it will cost in the future. Who will get over it if it is not done their way? Will someone be bitter about it and always bring it up when you get together? Anyway the decision IS yours, do what you feel in your heart you should do. I don't know if this helps at all but I hope it does.
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Posted by Mon Nov 23, 2009 10:52am PST
Report Abusetea i thinx u should let him walk u because that wud mean so much to him and if u want to do traditions u dont have to l.et him walk u but i thinx u should cuz if u dont he will say hes not mad but inside u no he is mad bye make a decision now or it will b to late. BASICLY GO WITH UR HEART AND UR GUT NOTHING ESLE ... DONT WORRY IT WILL WORK OUT IF U PAY ATTENTION TO UR HEART .. BYE
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Posted by Mon Nov 23, 2009 11:23am PST
Report AbuseMy exhusband walked his step daughter down the aisle along with her father. It was breathtaking to see them all so happy!
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Posted by Mon Nov 23, 2009 11:28am PST
Report AbuseInstead of considering it as the man "giving" you away like property, what if you thought of it as a symbolic act to represent leaving your old family (and all the baggage associated with it) for the hope of a new family that that you are starting with your husband? That way, it's not so much your father "giving" you to another man, but more of a sendoff.
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Posted by Mon Nov 23, 2009 11:39am PST
Report AbuseYou have to do what please's you. My daughter chose her brother and that was fine with me and her stepfather. My cousin (father was deceased) picked one of our uncles instead of a brother, her sister chose a brother. It's totally up to you and whatever makes you happy. Hope this helps good luck and congradulations.
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Posted by Mon Nov 23, 2009 11:56am PST
Report AbuseHi. I got married two months ago, and my Mother walked me down the aisle. Don't know if that helps you or not, but it worked out well in my situation...
Blessings on you and your marriage, whatever you decide. Emotions are high all the way around during events like these.
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Posted by Mon Nov 23, 2009 12:03pm PST
Report AbuseHaving gone through something similar, my thoughts are as follows: do it your way. I appreciate what Ecogirl said about changing the ideology into more of a "sendoff", but ultimately, it's YOUR day. If the idea of your biological father walking you down the aisle makes you uncomfortable and seems inappropriate, don't do it. Period. He will undoubtedly pout, but he IS invited to attend, and you are requesting a special dance with him. How he chooses to respond is up to him. It may have been his dream to "walk" his daughter and give her away, but it's your call.
My father's parents adopted and raised me and my sister, and while I didn't feel entirely comfortable with him walking me, I let him AND my grandfather walk me. But my husband didn't ask my father, he asked my grandfather.
This isn't an easy decision, but it is yours. It seems to me you already know how you WANT things to go, so I recommend explaining it once and then standing firm in your decision. It does appear to me however, that by living with your father, it may be encouraging his idea that things are "fine", and he may feel that he "deserves" his way. Just something to think about.
Good luck, and blessings on you and your family!
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