When my kids were little, I found myself paralyzed by making parenting decisions. What did I really believe? Did my parenting decisions support those beliefs? Did it matter what my friends, other parents, or far-flung experts would think, or was that just background noise muddying up the issue? Every situation seemed so fraught with importance: make the wrong choice, miss a “teachable moment”, fail to decide fast enough, and my kids would take the fall for it.
Five or six years in, I began realizing that no one decision is as important as we moms sometimes make it to be. We have hundreds–no, thousands–of chances to get it right, wrong, or right-enough-for-us. And it’s not any one day or decision or event that shapes motherhood, but the whole picture.
That said, I know how hard it is to struggle with decisions because I still do it sometimes (increasingly now because we’re moving into pre-adolescence: uncharted territory for me). I’ve been working on a ten-step method to guilt-free decision making for the last couple of years, and want to share it now. I’ll post the first five steps here, and the next five steps in a few days, and then expand on each step in future posts.
So without further ado, here is part 1 of my “The Happiest Mom’s 10 Steps to Guilt-Free Decision Making”
1. What do you want to do?
Most of the time, you can stop right here. I’m serious! I’m sure
you’ve heard that 90% of the time your first answer on a test is
the right one…it’s the second-guessing yourself that causes
mistakes. I think motherhood is the same way. The first instinct is
almost always right, and it’s only when real (not imagined)
obstacles and disagreements get in the way that you have to go
further than that.
2. Is there an obstacle? Is it real?
Assuming your gut is telling you to go with a certain choice, is
there an obstacle to that choice? Is it real?
Valid obstacles might include a disagreement between yourself and your baby’s father over a decision, the need to do additional research, that the decision affecting you or the rest of your family negatively, or that the decision appears to go against your religious beliefs or accepted scientific fact.
A dissenting friend, relative, or parenting expert you don’t know or respect and who doesn’t know you is probably not a valid obstacle.
Imagined future criticism (What might “they” think?) is not a valid obstacle.
It can be hard to move past the voices in your head, especially if you’re feeling vulnerable or insecure about a parenting decision because you fear negative feedback or some other consequence. But as your confidence grows, you’ll start to understand that you can’t please everybody all of the time, and some people can never be pleased. If you’ve gotten this far and determined that the only obstacles were the negative voices in your head, you’ve gone far enough! If not, and you have a real conflict, move on to #3.
3. Who has the conflict? (your beliefs vs
science, one kid vs the other, etc)
If you’ve determined that there’s a valid obstacle, figure out
where the basic conflict lies.
Studies and research can be helpful when making a decision, but they often don’t tell the whole story. You and your family are not a statistic. Make decisions with your own situation front and center.
You and your partner:
Figure out if he’s actually dissenting or just wants to have his
opinion heard. In some families, husbands and wives put an equal
amount of time and effort into researching and making decisions for
their kids. In other families, one parent puts in the bulk of the
effort. If your partnership is like the latter, it can be
frustrating to suddenly hear disapproval or criticism of a choice.
You might think “well, where were you when I was doing all the
reading?” But resist the urge to turn a parenting decision into a
fight over who does more. Allow your partner to express his
opinions and thoughts, and when possible, table the issue (it’s
almost always possible except in the case of a life-threatening
health concern) and bring it back up later. You may be pleasantly
surprised to see that, once he’s been allowed to express himself,
he’s no longer as invested in the decision you ultimately make.
The family unit has conflicting needs
Let’s say you found, and are excited about, a private school for
your oldest child. But paying for the tuition will mean you’ll have
to put off preschool for your youngest child. How can you choose
between the two? Who will be most drastically helped or harmed by
the decision? This is a very valid obstacle and one that sometimes
leads to surprising choices. I have a general rule in my home that
I put the needs of the group above the need of any one person, but
there are always exceptions.
Opposing sets of values
Sometimes decisions don’t come easily because you try to apply
somebody else’s values to your own process. And sometimes you may
actually have two values that seem to conflict with one another.
Before you can make decisions that work for you and your family,
you have to take the time to get really clear about what your
values are, and then prioritize them.
