I was talking to one of my mom friends this morning about the lack of balance in families today. She is one of the few who, from what I can see, has a pretty decent balance. As a working mom this is a lot harder for her than it is for me, but she manages it. And this is how we both manage it. We think about our family as a unit, not about our children as single entities. Of course, there are needs that each member of a family has as an individual and these should be met (keep in mind, though, I said needs). However, it is easy to see when to set limits for your child if you view your family as a whole. When making any decision, from when and what to eat for snack to where your child should sleep at night, think beyond surviving the moment. Think "how is this decision going to affect the family, both now and in the future?" For snack this could mean thinking about how your child's eatting habits are going to affect their attitude towards food as they grow up, and how their snacking pattern is going to fit into your family's schedule. For sleeping you HAVE to think ahead. I think that the family bed is a great idea... in theory. However, 99 percent of the time parents who continue to bring their children to bed become resentful of their lack of privacy (and often sleep), which makes them feel miserable and a little guilty. Kids need happy and well rested parents just as much as they need to feel secure. And it is easier to enforce these things if you do so from the very start.
A few more examples that are close to my heart; perhaps this is because I am a chronic planner, but from the time Izzy was concious of my presence I have kept in mind that she is eventually going to have to share me with another sibling. With this in mind, I have purposely raised her to be independant and self sufficient. I have her on a schedule and encourage her to spend lots of time playing independantly while I do other things. I also encourage her to do things for herself and to help me when she is interested or able. Of course, I also am prepared for her to regress when the new baby is born, but because I thought ahead it will be an easier transition for both of us.
The other example is one that really burns me, even though it's a really small thing. Bottles! I don't understand why moms have such a hard time giving up bottles. And yes, I said moms- I think that moms have just as difficult a time giving up bottles (and binkies) as the child does because it is a sign that their child is growing up. Then they feel bad when, at 18 months or 2 years, they take the bottle away and their child becomes upset. I, on the other hand, took the bottle away at 11 1/2 months. I did it gradually, dropping to two feedings (morning and night) a day for a few days, then just the night feeding, then nothing. When Izzy asked for a bottle I gave her a snack instead because she was only asking for the bottle because she was hungry, and there was no struggle and no heartbreak. However, if you wait a few more months your child will begin to form an emotional attachment to the bottle and there will be a lot more heartbreak on both sides when the time comes to loose it.
Of course, there is no one way to do anything. Parents need to asses their own situation and their own family and decide what is important to them, but then they need to be firm and be consistant and life will be easier for everyone!
