It sounds dramatic. Perhaps it is. But I found a found a lump in my breast and it has not only sent me straight into scans and exams (which have all come back healthy and normal so far, thank goodness), it has also brought my biggest worry to the surface: That something will happen to me and my son's father will be left to raise our little boy.
I am a single parent. Once upon a time, my fears of getting gravely ill and even dying would have been soothed by the thought that my then-husband would keep our family alive and well even if I wasn't. But that is not true anymore. I wish I had that confidence and trust, but it is no longer there. Whether it is rational or not, I get scared my son will be left in someone else's hands.
As I've admitted this to other single parents who I know and read, I've heard them echo similar concerns. I just think we get too wrapped up in our own worry and vulnerability to say it out loud. I also know that for many of us, confessing that kind of major distrust for the other parent is treading on very touchy territory.
Honestly, though, it eased my mind a bit to hear that other single parents worry about who will raise their children should anything (knock lots of wood) happen to them. It made me feel supported and far less hypochondriac-y to know how they soothe those concerns -- by writing a very tight will, by choosing to only travel as a family, by getting more frequent medical exams than is necessary. I see those things as the ways we make a bigger-than-life worry more manageable.
I've chosen to do more yoga, say some prayers, and think as many "I'm healthy and we're happy" positive thoughts as possible. It has worked wonders. I am not a mess and I am trying to take it one little step at a time. And maybe part of that calm in the center of what could be a big storm but feels like a steady rain right now, is just that I said it out loud.
I am a single parent who is afraid of what will happen to my child if I am not around.
And you? What is your biggest single parent fear?
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