Parenting

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Would you treat your kid like a dog?

Image courtesy of South Park

Image courtesy of South Park

And here you thought "South Park" was a spoof.

Turns out the episode in which Cesar Millan--aka the Dog Whisperer--is hired to “train” Cartman was on to something. According to the New York Times, a growing number of parents are finding great parenting advice from the trainer who specializes in getting bad dogs to be good.

Sound crazy? It’s not actually. In fact, a quick glimpse at Millan’s main points reads like the CliffsNotes to many parenting books.

Millan believes that exercise, discipline, and affection are the winning triumvirate when it comes to raising happy, healthy dogs. He believes dogs act uneasily when their owners show fear and insecurity, or fail to act like leaders. Millan’s solutions? Be consistent about discipline. Emanate “calm-assertive energy.”  Offer structure and show your dog its place in the hierarchy of the home

As a person who was raised with a houseful of dogs (as many as 4 at one time), and the daughter of pretty strict parents (East Indians, thank you very much), this makes a lot of sense to me as parenting advice. 

I was never “friends” with my parents growing up. I liked them, sure, and I thought they were funny and strange and infuriating at different points, but at no point did I believe that my opinion held equal weight to theirs in our home.

While I always had a fantasy of having an “American” mom who would talk to me about boyfriends, share beers and cigarettes, and confide in me, in retrospect, I think I got a pretty good deal. My parents may not have been my best friends when I was growing up, but I also didn’t have a lot of blurry boundaries and questions over who was really right—or much room to fall into deep, existential crisis. I was too busy living up to their expectations, and later, as I grew up, living up to my own. They were kind, but not coddling. And I never, ever doubted that they loved me.

I realize this kind of parenting isn’t in vogue right now, and that people could level back that I could have gotten both at home—friendship and discipline. That might be true, but I have yet to see a parent who has really pulled both off equally.  For me, it’s more important to do what I think is right for my son, LBZ, than it is for him to like me.I realize this is easier now, when he's a baby and can only really dislike me for a few minutes before his attention shifts (ball!), but I'm hoping with practice, I'll be ready for the real hurdle of his teen years.

Already, I’ve been applying some "Dog Whisperer" rules at home. Take sleep training. I read six books on different methods of training kids to sleep alone, and when he was 3 months old, I concocted a plan that involved letting LBZ cry for successively longer intervals, until he learned to soothe himself. Did I hate to hear him cry? Yes. Did I cry myself outside his door? Twice. But I didn't go back into the room with my insecurities, I dealt with them outside, and with my husband. I'm sure I'll hear from people telling me I've scarred him for life, but I wouldn’t know it from his 12 hours of sleeping through the night, or the way he claps when he sees us in the morning. (And yes, for the record, I know this will change as he grows. I’m just loving the moment we’re in).

What do you think? Were you raised in a Dog Whisperer household, or something more lenient? In terms of discipline, how have you raised your kids? Is it working for you? Are there ways in which you wish you would have done it differently?

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Comments 1-10 of 34
  • LB's Avatar
    Posted by LB Tue Nov 24, 2009 6:25pm PST

    I have an "American" mom, but she sounds just like yours. Yeah, I can talk to her about things, but some things are just too personal or off limits. She doesn't need to hear about personal things with my boyfriend, she doesn't drink beer or smoke (even if she did, she would NEVER share that stuff with me), and neither of my parents really confide in me. In fact, I know of no "American" moms like you describe.

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  • Mira Jacob, Shine staff's Avatar
    Posted by Mira Jacob, Shine staff Tue Nov 24, 2009 7:43pm PST

    LB--Agreed! I put "American" in quotes because my idea of a cool, American mom was based on nothing more than television shows and the mothers of a few friends. I grew up to realize that a lot of parents were just like mine, regardless of where they were born. Oh, the things we learn as we get older! :)

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  • Joy in Seattle's Avatar
    Posted by Joy in Seattle Tue Nov 24, 2009 7:58pm PST

    It's funny, I've always approached raising a child like training. There are some similarities.

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  • Courtney B's Avatar
    Posted by Courtney B Tue Nov 24, 2009 8:33pm PST

    Great post Mira! I love it! I wish I would have taken the same approach to letting my babies "cry it out" sooner...instead of running back in a million times and making things take so much longer. I definitely could have used more sleep in those days! I'm sure you did not scar your child for life....nor did I by being a wimp about it. (Thank goodness they are resilient). I would like to think I'm a "Dog-Whisperer" kind of mom, but I really can't tell yet. My two children are four and six, and there are definitely times when I'm too lenient, especially if you ask my husband. Certain boundaries are always clear, like bedtimes, teeth brushing, medications, and respect for adults. I have a tough time enforcing other boundaries, though. Especially those that don't REALLY seem to matter that much. After all, an extra cookie now and then isn't going to kill a kid! And if my six-year-old is really insistent on wearing a plaid skirt with striped tights and a polka-dot shirt, I don't see the point in making a huge deal over it (this drives my mother-in-law NUTS by the way). This, however, may be the reason my son throws a fit when I tell him "No more cookies," or my daughter loses it when I won't let her pick her outfit for family pics!

    I don't know...maybe I need a seminar on being a better "Kid-Whisperer!" I tend to pick my battles carefully....but my husband doesn't think I pick enough battles!

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  • wendy g's Avatar
    Posted by wendy g Tue Nov 24, 2009 8:38pm PST

    I agree. The whole "parents as friends" thing doesn't work...in every instance that I've seen parents backslide into "friend" territory, the result was rebellious kids who did exactly as they pleased and had no respect for their parents.

    I especially like the idea of "kind but not coddling." It's important to be nurturing and empathetic, but it's equally important that children learn that they cannot have things exactly their way all the time.

    Good article.

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  • Mira Jacob, Shine staff's Avatar
    Posted by Mira Jacob, Shine staff Tue Nov 24, 2009 8:48pm PST

    Courtney B--Sounds like you're doing a great job in figuring out what is important (respect for adults) and unimportant (plaids meeting stripes in the same outfit)! I don't mean to oversell myself here--my boy is young and I have loads of time to mess this up yet, but fingers crossed, and Dog Whisperer studied, I'll find a good balance like you!

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  • Robyn's Avatar
    Posted by Robyn Tue Nov 24, 2009 10:46pm PST

    my mpm was a single parent worling 70 hour weeks and raising me and brother (3 years apart) being 16 and 17 i know i got away with a whole lot more than many do becuase she wasnt around. but i did repect my mom in the fact she was keeping a house over our heads, and her only main rule was "you bring drugs or alcohol in htis house your out" never did never will. my duaghter is three and we live in somwhat democratic house. me and her dad will give 2-3 chioces of something and if she doesnt choose we will. it going pretty well she independent knows what she likes and doesnt but just like every 3 year old tries to push the limit but understand that me and dad are in charge

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  • Raleigh's Avatar
    Posted by Raleigh Wed Nov 25, 2009 2:02am PST

    This post is full of bad parenting advice and you should feel bad.

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  • New England Babe's Avatar
    Posted by New England Babe Wed Nov 25, 2009 5:07am PST

    My hubby always laughed at me because I would tell him having a baby was like having a puppy. His teeth would hurt so he would chew on things, he needed guidance and care in every way. As he gets older (5 now) he still and always will need guidance because there are always new things to get into as his abilities change.

    We now have an 8 month old Alaskan Malamute, he is best friends with our son. Hubby doesn't laugh anymore because he sees that the boy and the dog are quite similar in there lack of instant knowledge of how to be an appropriate member of society.

    Now, having said that I don't believe my son is a dog I just happen to realize that when he is doing something he isn't supposed to do and I say, "no" seriously and loud enough to be the loudest noise in the room he walks away from the situation and stops the behavior. So doesn't the puppy.

    We are all born with instinct and have to be taught everything just like the little animals we call pets.

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  • katie's Avatar
    Posted by katie Wed Nov 25, 2009 5:48am PST

    I don't have children, but I do babysit my best friend's 3 1/2 year old often, and I've found that the best approach to use is the one I use when working with my 11 month old husky mix puppies. Consistancy is key, as is the calm-assertive energy. You need both the children and the dogs to respect you or you won't get anywhere.

    And I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one who sees similarities between children and dogs.

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Comments 1-10 of 34

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