(Yet) Another Hip Parenting Term I Can Live Without: "Shared/Equal parenting"

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Last week's The New York Times Sunday magazine included a story about moms and dads who do something that's apparently novel. It even has it's own term: shared/equal parenting.

The story is called When Mom and Dad Share It All and it profiles several couples who've made attempts -- successfully and unsuccessfully -- to divvy up household and parenting responsibilities while being working parents. It's referred to in the article as "shared" or "equal" parenting, based on a movement to restore the "traditional American familly."

It's a good read but really offers up no golden nuggets of information. If anything, it should help moms and dads feel better in knowing that they're not alone in their quests for work-life balance.

"Co-parenting" and "shared parenting" are traditional reserved for divorced couples with kids or stepfamilies. Both involve situations where a child's parents are no longer together yet both are trying to actively be a part of and responsible for their child's day-to-day life. For stepfamilies, it also involves the new role of the stepparent(s).

When parenting coaches and experts start slapping these labels on married couples with kids, that's bad enough. But it's manufactured and you sort of expect it. They have books to sell, research to promote, whatevs.

However, when married couples with kids start touting their co-parenting or shared parenting skills. That's when I say, please, for the love of pete, just stop. I may be old school, but when still-married couples have kids, they are parents. The juggling of schedules and routines. The diaper changes and feedings. The handling of chaos. This is called parenting.

Even "equal parenting," I get it. The "primary caregiver" role usually defaults to mom and most moms would love to have a more balanced distribution of parenting responsibilities. Yet in my opinion, in the Times story, it had less to do with "parenting" and more to do with the division of labor with regard to household chores. Truth be told, it's often the overwhelming feeling of having to manage the household in addition to being a parent that is a huge knotted muscle for most moms.

Still, even if a couple have managed to find a successful way to create this balance, this is not shared parenting, co-parenting or even equal parenting.

Call it old school, but as one dad says in the article, can't we just call it "parenting"?

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From the Community…

Comments 1-10 of 10

Posted by janeshumate53 Mon Jun 23, 2008 4:31am PDT

i was wondering at wahtage do you let go of you children. My son is 18 years old and he ready to move out on his own, How should i be feeling?

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Posted by Mysterious Gryphon Mon Jun 23, 2008 7:54am PDT

So, in 2008, men still expect theri wives to carry the bulk of the childcare, as well as the housework, as well as hold down a full-time, paid job?
I say that women need to stop accepting subservient roles. Either stay on the BC and avoid having kids altogether, or refure to get a job outside the home. If he expects you to be the little woman, then you need to expect him to be the man - and get a job that pays enough to support you.
How's them apples?

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Posted by ebonypearcy Mon Jun 23, 2008 10:41am PDT

If you have to bring the term "shared parenting" into your home, there is a problem. I was raised in a home with my mother and father. Both cleaned, because that is what your supposed to do. Both disciplined, because that is your job as a parent. Both loved and taught and laughed and inspired, it may have been in different ways, but both parents gave what they had. Before my husband and I had children, we talked about what his job was and what my job was, but in the end it was both our responisbility to raise our child right. Having a son, we were not about to have him grow up and think that it was a womans "job" to cook and clean, nor was it a mans "job" to take out the trash and cut the grass. We share the task of keeping a home and raising balanced children. Come on, co-parenting? What's next?

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Posted by Jen Singer, Good Housekeeping Mon Jun 23, 2008 11:24am PDT

We would spend so much time keeping score, we'd never get anything done around here.

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Posted by GeekMommy Mon Jun 23, 2008 11:38am PDT

From a woman's standpoint, that makes perfect sense... but you know, we're raised and socialized differently than most men are. The term "equal parenting" seems like more of a signal the the man that he's no longer just expected to donate the sperm and go to work every day... he's an equal partner in both the marriage and the child-raising.
I could live without it - but there are far too many men I've met who think they can "babysit" their own children. They need terms like this to understand that no, a parent *can't* babysit their own child.

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Posted by MAGGIE Mon Jun 23, 2008 12:30pm PDT

The term sucks but to tell the truth some husbands/fathers have never had to lift a hand to do anything around the house. Whose fault is this, parents who never taught, wives who never insisted or husbands/fathers who never gave helping out a thought. Many of these so called parents of today (women and men)are so niave it is a wonder they can find their way home (parents home.)

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Posted by trxiegirl71 Mon Jun 23, 2008 2:51pm PDT

My husband *HATES IT* when some one calls him and asks if he is watching the kids or babysitting. He tells people "NO, I am parenting, just like what Christina does, except for my name is DAD". He and I both grew up in single (mother) parent households, so unlike some fathers, Ben is a little more determined to be a very active, not passive, Father. Annabelle, our 4 year old daughter, did walk up to me while I was hanging clothes out to day and asked me "Mom, do women have to do all the work for men?" I told her no, but there are some things that I do becuase I chose to them and I and Daddy agreed that I was better at it, like laundry. I do however cut our grass and clean the yard. Ben would rather clean the bathroom (which I hate doing) and cook all of our meals. That is fine with us! I don't mind dusting and vaccuming if her takes care of all the taking out of trash and recycling.

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Posted by reen74 Mon Jun 23, 2008 9:29pm PDT

The idea that this is a 'novelty' - like, oh, say women entering the workforce is a 'novelty' makes me cringe almost as much as when people say a father is 'babysitting' or 'watching' his children while their mother is out...

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Posted by Yahoo Buzzer Tue Jul 8, 2008 11:07am PDT

The best parenting sites:
http://www.gomestic.com/Family/My-Absolute-Favorite-Parenting-Websites.161149

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Posted by playinnroses Mon Jul 14, 2008 11:35am PDT

My husband and i both work full time jobs and we both "parent" or three beautiful kids. We share in everything equally. We both cook, clean, take out the garbage, and anything else that needs to be done. We dont think that one of us "has" to do anything. We both do it because we are a family and we love each other. That is what being a family is all about. I also hate when people manly men say they are babysitting thier kids. that just drives me crazy. you are being a parent to them like you should be.

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Comments 1-10 of 10

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