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Saturday, November 21, 2009

21st Century Tips to Help Heal a Broken Heart

Let's face it. If you're trying to recover from a broken heart, sometimes grandma's advice just doesn't cut it. So we've put together some of these 21st Century Tips to help you get (and stay) on the road to healing.

1) Throw yourself a pity party. Get some ice cream and eat your heart out, then rent sentimental DVD's and cry your eyes out. Contrary to popular belief, crying is actually good for you. A recent study published in Current Directions in Psychological Science, shows that after crying, your breathing and heart rate slows, which puts you into a relaxed state. So let it all out! It’ll help.

 2) Erase. Don’t chase. Delete your ex’s number from your phone, text messages, emails, IM-buddy list, Facebook and any other social networking sites. The less contact you have with your ex, the less anxiety you’ll feel and the sooner you’ll heal.

3) Join an online support network. Sign up for a free breakup recovery support site where you can share your story with other women & men who are experiencing the same pain or have overcome it. Giving and receiving advice can push open the doors to healing.

4) Drive past your past. When thinking about it doesn’t seem to be enough, hop in your car and drive by your former ex-boyfriend’s house, work, or places you used to hang out. You know, the jerk from a few years ago that you thought you’d never get over? Drive by and when you get there, take a moment to remember what it took to get over him/her. Then apply that strength to your current situation. Sometimes you have to drive by your past so you can move toward the future.

5) Put yourself out there: Qualifier – I am NOT saying to start dating right away! But if you're feeling like you will never meet anyone ever again and you keep playing that thought over and over again in your mind, this could help: Put your picture up on a dating site - it can be in your city or an entirely different state. It's up to you. The inquiries you get from potential dates will make you feel attractive and desirable to the opposite sex, plus you’ll get rid of that feeling that “I’ll never meet anyone again.” When you’re over your ex, answer a few of the inquiries. Mr. or Ms. Right may be right around the corner.

 6) Beat depression with a notebook (or online blog). Use a guided journal like The Breakup Workbook , or simply grab a notebook and start with a pro/con list and go from there. A journal can show you where you’ve been and can be the place where you draw up the plan that gets you where you want to go. If you're not the pen-to-paper writing type, then start an online blog to help you keep track of your thoughts.

7) Call a hotline. If you’re having difficulty accepting the breakup, or you feel that depression is taking over your life, call a hotline. There are many listed in your phone book or online. In fact, in most countries there is some sort of support hotline to help with depression. Or you can go the old-fashioned route and seek a therapist. If your insurance plan doesn’t cover it and money is tight, check online or call your local hospital for a list of free mental health services or support groups. Some therapists have a sliding scale.

Of course, read this advice with a caveat - some of these won't apply to your personal situation. We realize that everyone is different. But if you'd like to tell your story, comment on this blog and we'll try to give advice specific to your situation!

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From the Community…

Comments 1-10 of 38
  • BrokenHeartedGirl.com's Avatar
    Posted by BrokenHeartedGirl.com Wed Nov 4, 2009 1:25pm PST

    What doesn't really work, exactly? Curious.

    I think that taking your own advice in this case is a GREAT idea. You should really spend time thinking about who you're going to date and be happy with YOURSELF before you go out and meet someone else.

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  • Appletini's Avatar
    Posted by Appletini Wed Nov 4, 2009 1:45pm PST

    All of the suggestions in the article don't work....it is more like accepting things and then regrouping and doing things you like. BTW. hotline people are so downright overworked they can be nasty.

    so I avoid them. When I found out of the first guy's wedding I ran to a pub, cursed the English and got blindingly drunk. I chopped off my hair and got highlights. Then I went to a guy friends house, they took me out for tequila and I spent most of the night spilling secrets I shouldn't have and puking in his toilet at intervals. I think he hates me because things have been weird between us ever since. The other guy I lost, I really connected with, and he never seemed available, but it was one of those soul wrenching things where you know that making bad choices caused a loss and now he is happy. I had chest pains for a day and couldn't breathe.

    I really hope I find a good guy to finally marry and I won't make the same mistakes again.

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  • BrokenHeartedGirl.com's Avatar
    Posted by BrokenHeartedGirl.com Wed Nov 4, 2009 2:09pm PST

    Well, I believe that you're wrong about your generic blanket statement - and here's why: Getting over someone IS about regrouping as you say - which is why joining an online support group, or doing things to increase your self-esteem are HELPFUL when trying to get over a broken heart. And hotlines are especially useful if you're depressed and/or suicidal. Notebooks are perfect for getting your thoughts together and regrouping. Erasing your ex from your life and not contacting him is a great way to get perspective and not keep with the toxic thoughts. Crying and letting out your emotions is an amazing way to lead yourself toward acceptance and release toxic emotions.

    I'm sorry that things are going wrong in your life, and it seems to me that every single thing you listed when you found out your ex was getting married ended up making you miserable.

    I do invite you to join us at brokenheartedgirl.com and spill your guts. I think it'd help. I know you said that it won't work, but you'll never know unless you try.

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  • BrokenHeartedGirl.com's Avatar
    Posted by BrokenHeartedGirl.com Wed Nov 4, 2009 2:15pm PST

    Anyway - I'm not going to argue with you. But I think if you dealt with your breakups a little more constructively and then worked on making yourself happy before you date someone else again, it'd really help you find someone that's emotionally healthy too. You seem incredibly unhappy and cynical - and you have every right to be - those are some terrible situations that you lived through. I do hope that you meet the right guy for you.

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  • Marinamey's Avatar
    Posted by Marinamey Wed Nov 4, 2009 5:50pm PST

    Hi Broken Hearted Girl. I agree that everything you said works. Anything helps to be honest. But what can you do to achieve emotional detachment? I find that's the most difficult and is the crux of it all. You can do everything from physical separation, mental spring cleaning, optimistic view to the future, etc etc etc. But you can never completely move forward until you emotionally detach.

    What's the trick short of lobotomy?

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  • SILENT KNIGHT's Avatar
    Posted by SILENT KNIGHT Wed Nov 4, 2009 7:12pm PST

    You either keep breaking it again and again til it goes numb or realize that if your heart was really broken you'd be dead and since you're not dead, then this is the perfect opportunity to live. Do what you have to, but survive and every hard day and longer night will make you stronger. Heartache is a true test of power because sometimes we have to loose what we thought we had to see who we really are. Life is whatever you make it, so make the best of it or atleast die quietly so you wont disturb the living. Loud painful B@#$%ing and moaning is very rude especially when it echoes.

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  • ROSIE's Avatar
    Posted by ROSIE Wed Nov 4, 2009 8:09pm PST

    wow michael that was very good it actually made me feel better, you are so rigth dougth.glad i took the tome to read this thanks.

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  • BrokenHeartedGirl.com's Avatar
    Posted by BrokenHeartedGirl.com Wed Nov 4, 2009 8:09pm PST

    Hey Marinamey,

    That IS the trick - emotional detachment. I truly believe that gaining a new perspective is what helps you detach. So if you always see things from the same vantage point, you'll always feel what you feel. It's when you look at things in another way that you START to detach. So how do you look at things from another point of view? You talk to people - either an online support group, or your friends and actually listen to what people have to say. It may be that they say that your b/f treated you like crap. In your head you say - "that's not true! When we were alone, he was great!" But if you stop rationalizing it and think about from their point of view - the guy that they saw - you can start to understand that maybe he really wasn't that great ALL THE TIME - and you can start to deal with that by understanding what your friends saw. I'm sure there are more examples that I can come up with based on your situation specifically. But emotional detachment is obviously the key. Tell me more about you - or go to our website - and write your story. It may help to get the perspective from other people.

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  • BrokenHeartedGirl.com's Avatar
    Posted by BrokenHeartedGirl.com Wed Nov 4, 2009 8:10pm PST

    Michael - that is great advice. I think people forget to stop living life for other people and really live it for themselves.

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  • buff's Avatar
    Posted by buff Wed Nov 4, 2009 8:27pm PST

    LOL, ACTUALLY, I STARTED DATING AN EX THAT I REALLY HATED FOR A COUPLE WEEKS TO HELP ME GET OVER MY HEARTACHE, GUESS WHAT? IT ACTUALLY DID, I UNDERSTOOD WHY I QUIT HIM, AND I UNDERSTOOD THAT THE SAME GUY WHO HAD BROKEN MY HEART WAS JUST THE SAME TYPE OF GUY HE WAS, RIGHT DOWN TO THE PERSONALITY, I REALIZED I NEEDED TO CHANGE THE PATTERN OF THE MEN I CHOOSE TO DATE CAZ I TURNED DOWN SOME AWESOME GUYS WHO ARE MARRIED TO SOME OF MY FRIENDS NOW FOR ALOT OF THE SAME BREED OF MEN......

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