Men are from Mars, and women are from Venus, right? Not so fast, according to modern temperament theory. If resolving conflicts with your mate were as simple as just understanding men (or women) in general, why do so many minor disagreements between partners escalate, with neither side understanding the other?
In his perennial best-selling book Please Understand Me II (Prometheus Nemesis, 1998), Dr. David Keirsey identifies four basic personalities (or temperaments). According to Dr. Keirsey, there are plenty of men from Venus, as well as women from Mars. As well as from (my take at the planets’ personalities) Jupiter and Vulcan… Each temperament has its own communication patterns, which seem foreign to the others. It is said that the Americans and the British are divided by a common language. In the same way, different temperaments use the same words very differently. This leads to a lot of confusion and hurt.
What Temperament is Your Mate?
Guardians are the most traditional of the 4 temperaments. They tend to be responsible, loyal, stable, and play by the rules. They seek security, trust authority, and prize gratitude. Guardians make up about 40-45% of the population
Artisans are typically the most risk-taking of the temperaments. They tend to be bold, spontaneous, unconventional, and play to win. They trust their impulses, seek stimulation, and prize freedom. Artisans make up about 30-35% of the population.
Idealists are the most enthusiastic of the temperaments. They tend to be giving, trusting, and seek cooperation rather than competition. They prize meaningful relationships, trust their intuition, and seek their true self. Idealists make up about 15-20% of the population.
Rationals are the problem-solving temperament. They tend to be pragmatic, skeptical, and make decisions based on data as opposed to feelings (anyone recognize Mr. Spock here?). They seek knowledge, trust logic, and pride themselves on being ingenious and independent. Rationals make up less than 10% of the population.
The 4 Languages
Each of us is fluent in our native temperament tongue – but many misunderstandings occur because neither we or our mates are fluent in each other’s, unless we both happen to be the same temperament (which statistically happens less than 25% of the time!). Human nature being what it is, when our partner responds to us differently than we expect (in other words, differently than we would), we tend to think they are doing so because they are being obstinate, mean, or thoughtless. In reality, they are just speaking in their native language – and quite often are being conciliatory, even-tempered, or even thoughtful. But once we react hostilely to our misunderstanding, a chain of behavior is created that often escalates. So, the key is to understand the underlying communication motives from the start, and accept what they are saying the way they intended.
- The language of Guardians is rooted in the past. Their talk
includes a lot of past tense. Their language is the most
traditional of the four. Remember that
reliability and playing by th e rules is important to them, and when you break the rules, excuses don’t help.
- The language of Artisans lives in the present, that infinitesimal moment which divides the future from the past. Their language is likely to include the latest slang and happenings in what is important to them. Much of their language is present tense. They are interested in the here and now, and the fact that they did something you didn’t like yesterday seems like nagging if you bring it up.
- Rationals are generally concerned with using the right word to accurately and expeditiously say what they mean. Their language tends to focus on ideas and abstract concepts with little focus on feelings or emotional well-being. Its easy to take their unemotional communication style as cold and lacking feeling, but its important that you don’t take it personally.
- Idealists look ahead to what they can see the future holds.
When they talk, they often talk about what will be rather than what
actually is. Their language focuses on the
abstract, like the Rationals, but focuses more on feelings and emotional well-being and less on ideas. They are the most like likely to take whatever you say personally, so statements that include words like “always”, “never”, “you don’t” are especially loaded for them and likely to cause hurt feelings.
A common conflict point is between a Guardian / Artisan pair. The Artisan is late for the date, and blames it on traffic / the weather / car trouble. The Guardian is not interested in excuses, but expects contrition and a promise to leave earlier in the future – and probably points out that the Artisan was late the past 3 times as well. No good can come from this start. Either one can nip this one at the start. The Guardian: “Oh, I’m so glad you’re here – I was worried that something had happened to you. Next time can you give me a call when you’re running behind, so I can put my mind at rest?” Or the Artisan: “I’m sorry I’m late. The time got away from me, but next time I’ll put an alarm in my cell phone – and I’ll call you if there’s a problem”.
There are plenty of common conflicts that arise because of these communication differences between the temperaments. Please feel free to bring them up below, I’ll be happy to share more in the comments section. For more information and to take the Keirsey Temperament Sorter to better understand your own temperament, visit www.keirsey.com.
