The problem with sex toys is that they can leave you feeling a little cold. If there were a toy that kissed, cuddled, breathed on your neck, and wrapped its big manly arms around you, then we'd be selling it (for a very reasonable markup, honest!). That said, a super-sized, heavy-breathing, groping silicone phallus sounds like the stuff that B-movie horror flicks are made of. Attack of the 50-Foot Vibe, anyone? Not exactly the kind of intimacy women are looking for.
So you need to find a way to make sex with your vibrator feel a little more real (rather than Real Doll). Which means you're going to have to up the ante on your fantasy life. It's very easy -- especially with the super-powered vibrators available today -- to lie back and let your Hitachi Magic Wand do all the heavy lifting. After all, it's almost impossible not to have an orgasm with one of those babies -- even if your mind wanders and you start to think about what you could whip up for dinner using last night's leftovers. But fantasizing will give you a whole different kind of orgasm -- it's a way of tricking your mind (not to mention your genitals) into thinking that you're actually having hot monkey sex with a partner who smells so good you want to bury your face in his hair.
- Read erotic fiction. There are literally thousands of anthologies out there. Try Sweet Life 2: Erotic Fantasies for Couples by Violet Blue, or Do Not Disturb: Hotel Sex Stories or Tasting Her: Oral Sex Stories, both by Rachel Kramer Bussel. Or read romance novels! Or the dirty parts of Anne Rice novels (or better yet, novels by her smutty alter-ego, A.N. Roquelaure). Whatever floats your little man in the boat.
- Write erotic fiction. Instead of counting down exactly how many seconds it's been since you've had sex, why not write down some of your more memorable sexual experiences from four years ago? Feel free to embellish! In fact, this is fiction: Why not write a short story about a hot one-night stand with Jon Gosselin? (Kidding...but we're sure you don't need help coming up with your own fantasy hottie.) If the idea of fiction gives you writer's block, then just write a dirty letter to someone real or imaginary -- no need to mail it, of course!
- Watch porn. It's not for everyone -- and who knows, it may only exacerbate your desire for intimacy -- but it's got to be worth a try. Check out our recent post on five types of adult films for ladies to try.
- Don't take yourself for granted. We know that after a dozen years of regular masturbation, you're a pretty sure thing, but that doesn't mean you don't still need seducing every now and then. Click here for our recent post about getting yourself in the mood. And yes, we're talking about candlelight.
- Join an online dating site to "window shop," heh. Sure, you might not be ready to get back into the dating game yet, but there's no reason why you shouldn't browse the dating sites for a little fantasy material. For some PG-rated window-shopping, Match.com will be all you need. But if you're up for exchanging some saucy emails with a beautiful stranger, try a site like AdultFriendFinder.com. Just be clear that you're only looking for dirty talk (or dirty text...) so you're not leading anyone on.
We can't promise that any of this will replace a real-life penis (with a man attached attached), but at least it'll spice up your masturbation routine until said man does come along.
- Dumb Music Video of the Week
- What Do Guys Think of Cougars?
- Can a Bad Boyfriend Make a Good Booty Call?
photo by Ciaran_McGuiggan
