7 Commandments For Showing Love In Public

Have you ever been in public and a couple will just not stop making out? If they're lesbians at a Seattle Mariners game, you can have them removed. But anyone else (and if they're just making out, maybe with a little over the clothes groping) and you may just have to sit and take it.

Before we really explore Public Displays of Affection (and how they make some people's skin crawl), please please please check out this story from Em & Lo.

Yeah, crazy right? (It's like that scene in Mall Rats where Jason Lee is describing the plane crash his cousin Walter was almost in.) I'm not sure if I believe it but I've seen some crazy things in New York. I once saw a homeless guy with a bologna sandwich for a foot (that's not true).

While a couple en make-out res may be as easy to look away from as a solar eclipse or car wreck, most of us really don't care to see other people getting frisky (unless they're attractive AND we're in the privacy of our own homes or sex clubs). While other cultures are more averse to PDA (the Japanese think holding hands is weird and public kissing in India could get you the Richard Gere Treatment*), our schizophrenic stance on sexuality (damned Protestant pornography has made us all vestal voyeurs) makes the whole kaboodle conflicting and uncomfy.

Not for nothing, I don't mind a little bit of PDA. I've made out with someone in a bar before. I would say it's not my proudest hour but I am sort of proud of it. The key to any public make out is being able to leave that place before things get out of (or IN) hand. Em & Lo's Man Panel tackle PDA as well.

My new homeslice LostPlum (though not technically an American), explains her dislike for PDA and gives some scenarios where it's permissible (she also clears up that PDA, in this instance, has very little to do with your BlackBerry). Read: How To Have Sex In Public

While I'm pretty OK with PDA, I can understand the need to a certain level of decorum. Here's the bare minimum:

1. Genitalia shall not be directly touched. Glancing contact is barely OK, minimize repetition.
2. Genitalia shall not be unfurled. That's indecent exposure (or mopery), brah, and could get you in jail.
3. Any actual dirty talk shall not be said loud enough for anyone to hear unless it's in a language you're sure no one else can speak (Pig Latin doesn't count). 
4. Tongue kissing, if even attempted, shall be incredibly brief and other people in the vicinity shall not be stared at by either kisser, that's creepy, man.
5. Dry humping shall occur only on the dance floor, if at all. This dancing shall primarily be to Reggaeton (Daddy Yankee) or Crunk (the Ying Yang Twins) music.
6. Breasts shall not be groped, see rule #1 for clarification.
7. If one thing begins leading to another, involved parties shall attempt to egress immediately. Read: Guide To Getting Lucky In The Lavatory

While there are a few other guidelines (such as: only the lame shall put their hand in each other's back pockets), these are the basics that will prevent society from being torn apart. Feel free to ignore these rules in other cultures and on New Year's Eve. (Note: Romance language countries may be OK with it, countries with languages based on Sanskrit may be deeply offended.)

*Note: In India, The Richard Gere Treatment is public censure… what did you think I meant?

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• Sexual History: What Your Number Says About You
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• 9 Ways In Which Communism And Condoms Are Alike
• 13 Relationship Mistakes We Men Could Stop Making

Written by Tom Miller for Tomfoolery.