In her new book, Getting Past Your Breakup, Susan J. Elliot says that a rule of "No Contact" with an ex is necessary to fully heal and grieve after a tough breakup. Although she understands how difficult this notion can be (she has personal experience in the department of contacting exes), she says, "in order to truly get past your breakup, you need to separate emotionally, physically, and psychologically from the relationship, and the primary way to do that is to stop talking to your ex."Read: Stay Together or Break Up? How To Decide Now
In her blog, GettingPastYourPast, Elliot learned from people who struggled with contacting exes. She found seven major excuses that we use in order to rationalize remaining in touch.
1. Why can't we be friends? This sounds nice but in reality an ex does not make a true friend, especially immediately after the breakup.
2. I must have closure. Closure can be difficult to obtain no matter how many conversations one has. The best closure can come from resisting the urge for dialogue and moving on.
3. I just need to make sense of it all, and I just have one more thing to say before you go. Another version of closure and another reason to stay in contact when in reality this just gives your ex another opportunity to hurt you. Not fun.
4. I want to be available for reconciliation. Wanting to get back together is a fair feeling to have. Even if you do end up reconciling, the relationship will undoubtedly be different. It is still important to take some time without speaking in order to mourn the relationship and contemplate how you really feel.
5. I just need to give his stuff back. Do it quickly, in the first couple days. After that, use one of our many mail services.
6. I miss the physical intimacy. And your ex is familiar because you know him or her (and it won't increase your "number"). But again, this is just prolonging the inevitable and will keep you stuck in the past. Time to cut off the ex and find someone new (or maybe even just yourself) to get jiggy with.
7. We run in the same circles. If this is the
case, you won't be able to help running into your ex, but that
does not mean you need to get in touch afterward. Keep your
conversations polite, brief and away from anything that can bring
up negative feelings from the past. Obviously easier said than
done.
So while our natural reaction to a breakup may be to keep in touch,
whatever the reason, in order to successfully move on, the No
Contact rule is a good place to start. No matter how much we want
to rationalize, the sooner we stop talking to our ex, the faster
we'll move on. Read:
The Bad Girl's Breakup Rx
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- Winning Him Back: Should You Do It?
- Dumped? 10 Healthy Ways To Heal
- Why Self-Imposed Isolation After A Divorce Helps
- How To Break Up With A Man: Don't Be Ambiguous
- 5 Tips to Move On From a Painful Breakup
- The New Online Breakup: What Are The Consequences?
- Poll: Have You Had Ex Sex?
- Moving On: The Post-Breakup Apartment
Written by Jed Mellick for YourTango.com.
