A Woman's Jihad- An inner battle for happiness and acceptance

Every Day for the past two and a half weeks I fight with myself and God.  Why is it that I think what makes me special is actually the thing that causes me so much pain.  Am I strong or am I actually weak for not accepting what is "real"?  The only problem is, what is considered "real" is not at all real to me.

Female
Age: 20 years old
Number of relationships in my life: 3.  Two were in highschool.  One was two months, the other four months.
3rd relationship: just shy of 2 and a half years.
Intimate Partners: 1, And I think You can guess who it was.
When did this relationship end? Two and a half weeks ago, almost three.

I know what your thinking, she's so young, she has plenty of time to move on and to heal from that broken heart.  There are plenty of other men out there.  And you know what, you're right, I am young, I do have time, and there are other men.  The problem is, the other men thing never worked for me.  Do you remember when you believed that you would fall in love and be with that man forever?  Do you remember when you broke up with him and told yourself how stupid you were for thinking that, and that you were totally naive about what's real.  But were you?  Before 100 years ago, and even 50 years ago, you weren't naive for thinking that.  And for thousands of years that ideology worked.  Of course there were exceptions, but it still worked.  Women understood what it was to be a woman and men understood what it was to be a man, and no it wasn't perfect all the time, but it worked.  So, why should I have to believe what the new generation of love advice is saying? 

A quick recap of the relationship:

Mahmoud is 24 and I am 20.  He has had a lot more life experience than I have had.  He can think with a clear head a lot better than I can.  He is such an incredible man.  The reason we broke up is not because one of us commited something against each other.  I was out of the country for FOUR MONTHS and he NEVER did anything.  He would never cheat, he always had my interest at heart and he is my best friend (even now, but will get into that later.) 

Here's what I believe:

I believe that this world has no clue how important a real woman is.  I am not talking about all this liberation and women's right, of course people have come to understand that.  I am talking about a woman.  I am talking about the woman who chooses not to marry, the woman who lost her husband, the woman whose husband left her, the woman who supports a family by herself, a woman who is happily married, and a woman who is unhappily married and every other woman on this planet!  No one knows the importance of a real woman.  Everyone says I need to be a strong woman,and YES we do need to be and we ARE, we are women, we are naturally strong.  What women forget though, is to be a woman.  In my opinion, it's obvious men have more power in this world but do you think that a man is stronger than a woman?  HELL NO.  Women make the world go around.  I don't care how many pounds a guy can lift or how much money he has, I am 100 percent positive that if there is a woman in his life, she is the strength.  Yes, if a man is a good provider he will be there or us, but we hold the strength of a unit.

If women realized the strength we had, relationships would go a lot better.  With that strength we could grow to be such amazing women that people would just look at us like WOW.  That is the woman that I try to be.  The woman that we instictually should be.  That's how marriages worked for however long they've been around is because a woman was a WOMAN.

Everyday I try to convince myself that I am weak and stupid and naive for thinking the way I am, but by the end of the day I KNOW I am not weak, I know I am definately not stupid, and I know I am not naive.  How does this work then? 

There is a Hadeeth that says something like this:  If something bad happens or if you are not in good favor with someone, do every single thing you can to be in good favor again.  If the person does not accept, move on.  Know, though, that God will honor that.

There is a verse in the Bible that says:

Struggle brings perserverence; perserverence, character; and character, hope.

I am struggling, I am not in the favor that I wish I was.  So I have to perservere because I am not going to sit and do nothing.  With this perserverence to get the favor you want (not just from him but from God), and witht he perserverence, inevitably my character will grow and with the growth of myself OF COURSE I  am going to hope.  What's a girl to do but hope?  And if still, after everything is said and done and I still am left here by myself, I can continue with my life and know that everything I did was honored by God and that whatever happens he already knows. 


So here I am by myself.  I am about to go work out with him because he helps me work out.  We are about to smile and laugh and pretend that I am not falling apart on the inside.  He's not stupid.  He knows.  Everyone keeps telling me not to talk to him at all.  Ceasing all contact isn't necessary.  We are friends and we help each other out.  But I need to remove myself from him.  I need to be Leigh, not just Mahmoud's girlfriend who happens to be named Leigh.  Maybe in time he will know that there isn't anyone better than me, because honestly there isn't.  I've never met a single person that held themself the way I do.  Or, maybe he'll just move on, knowing that for the next five years at least I'll be stuck.


That's my Jihad.  My inner struggle.  To fight for what I know.  To perservere, build character, and hope..... or to let go.  I think you know which way I'll go.  I'll never be able to convince myself I am weak and stupid and naive.  I'll never be able to think that each guy I date is a guiding road to Mr. Right.  And as this method works for almost no one, I can't help but perservere, build my character and hope, that this is right for me.