Love + Sex
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Advice: I'm afraid my first time will hurt
Dear Em & Lo,
I'm a
24-year-old virgin in just about every way you can be--second base is
about all I can claim. It's not for religious reasons, and I'm not
waiting for marriage (heck no! Must test-drive the car first). I held
off in high school, and then held off through college because I
consciously wasn't ready for the responsibility that comes with being
sexually involved with someone. Now I'm just waiting for a guy who
means enough to be worth giving it up, someone who I really trust and
who is patient with me.
But that's not my dilemma. I've waited
so long now that I'm scared about that first time. The idea of the pain
is my biggest tangible fear, I think. I've heard nothing but horror
stories from friends about their first times, and as a woman with quite
a low pain tolerance, I've worked myself into a tizzy worrying about it.
I'm
totally open to the idea that good sex comes with practice. But
clearing this hurdle is holding me back from doing much dating at all
to avoid the added pressure.
What do you suggest to help me ease my anxiety (and ensure it doesn't hurt too bad)?
Still Waiting
Dear S.W.,
We've got one word for you:
Masturbate,
masturbate,
masturbate. Here's why:
- You
should know what you've got, how it looks and feels, and how it likes
to be touched before anybody else does. Don't leave it a mystery only
to be solved by the first sexual Sherlock you allow in your pants.
Knowing your body intimately will give you confidence when you finally
share it with someone else.
- Studies have shown that women who masturbate regularly have more satisfying partner sex.
- Pain
during first-time sex for a woman might be caused by the hymen breaking
fully. If you're already in your 20s, though, chances are it's already
broken substantially, via tampon use, self-diddling, horseback riding,
or other rigorous exercise like gymnastics or cheerleading (hello,
splits!). But if you think it may still be a problem, then by all means
invest in an insertable vibrator
or dildo to help your body adjust to that filled-up feeling. You could
even start small, and work you're way up in girth. Even if popping your
cherry isn't a concern of yours, this is still a good idea!
[Video: Claire from Babeland helps you find the perfect vibrator that's right for you!]
- Another
cause of pain during first-time sex may be not enough lube, perhaps
because one is too scared shitless to be really turned-on. There's no
shame or harm in helping things along with a little man-made
glycerin-free water-based lubricant. In fact, it can help make any sex--first time or 1,000th time--feel better.
[Video: Everything you ever wanted to know about lube!]
- Finally,
another possible cause of pain is a guy who doesn't know what he's
doing (i.e. he goes in like gangbusters without any warm up). He should
move slowly and build up intensity gradually, checking in with you
along the way to make sure you're okay with everything (insist he does
if he's not). But if you're waiting for a guy who is special, chances
are he'll put your pleasure first and proceed with sensitivity.
If
you re-read the above, you'll notice we referred to first-time sex, not
first-time intercourse. Our society places so much emphasis on
intercourse as the be-all, end-all of partnered sexual activity, but
handwork and oral are sex too! Those might be just as erotically
satisfying for you than intercourse--if not more--and they certainly
can be just as intimate and awe-inspiring. So make sure during your
first time going beyond second base with a guy that you're focused on
the whole experience and not just on slipping tab A into slot B. Being
an avid masturbator beforehand will help you in this endeavor.
Have fun storming the castle!
Em & Lo
MORE FROM DAILY BEDPOST AND GLAMOUR:
Related: virginity, vibrators, sex, pain during sex, masturbation, lube
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Posted by vctrnmchl Thu Aug 7, 2008 3:09pm PDT
Just relax and take it slow when the time cum. Don't feel pressured and above all just have fun. Don't be distracted about pain, how big is it, will I bleed or any of that B.S. If he knows what he is doing he will put your mind at ease and you will have a great time. Don't listen to Clara G. Sex IS a big deal.
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Posted by megagirl4ever Thu Aug 7, 2008 3:13pm PDT
i'm not gonna lie--my first time hurt....but it gets better after that. but yea, my hymen was fully broken and i think part of it even came out when i went to the bathroom. but yea it hurts but it's worth it for anytime after ;)
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Posted by Ang82 Thu Aug 7, 2008 7:04pm PDT
Try not to think about the pain so much and just think about how good it feels. Your has the ability to control pain and ever make it worst. If all you keeping thinking about is how much it hurt that is all you are going to feel when you have sex. Have four-play with your partner and let him get you in the mood. Keep doing it until you feel like you need him to give it to you. Trust me, if all that is in your mind is just getting it on with him then you are going to enjoy it! Sure it might or will hurt, but if you are in the right (horny) mood and your body is asking for it then your first time won't be that bad. Mind over power...
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Posted by Danielle Fri Aug 8, 2008 12:27pm PDT
I don't think that it is as bad as some people try to make it out to be. My first time was ok. Yeah, it hurt a little bit, but if you are with a great guy he will understand and go at just the right pace for you. He will make it so that you are disstacted enought that the pain is so slight that you barely notice it.
Just a heads up thought you will feal different the next day or later that night. But like I said before it's really not that bad. Have fun, I know I did my first time.
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Posted by moni_q7 Fri Aug 8, 2008 12:43pm PDT
For me it hurt, very badly. We had to go slow and try several times over a few nights to finally get things going. But once that initial first time is over it gets so much better! You might want to consider taking a pain reliever like Tylenol before your first time to help reduce some of the expectant pain. Don't hold off on dating or sex just because you're afraid of the pain. Yes it does hurt but once you get past that, there's so much to enjoy.
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Posted by Suzanne Fri Aug 8, 2008 12:48pm PDT
I wish I was still a virgin when I was 24. I wish this woman would realize what a gift she's given herself by waiting and not rush herself just because she's 24 now.
My first time didn't hurt at all, but also, I wasn't scared of it. I didn't think it would hurt. I was horny and ready. There you go! If the first time was always definitely such a painful experience, do you think so many of us would be having sex? No, we'd all wait until we were 30...
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Posted by BtngHrtsBby Fri Aug 8, 2008 1:49pm PDT
Don't focus just on the pain. Your first time will hurt but it will subside if you just relax and Enjoy how good it feels. And yea, masturbating does help girl!=P But what makes more special is the guy you give yourself to. If he's the right one and really loves and cares for you then he'll be patient with you and would want to make it just as special. So just go with your gut and what your heart says.
So good luck with everything!!
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Posted by bobbielatee Fri Aug 8, 2008 3:17pm PDT
It definitely hurts. You're breaking skin that blocks the passage. I hate to freak you out more...but it's just a fact. It does get easier after the first few times. The best thing to say, is that the guy who you chose to be the first, should know to respect the fact that you're a virgin, and should be someone you can trust to be very delicate and work with you until you're comfortable.
On my first time, the person I was with, I had to ask him to stop trying to push through a few times...as long as he can work with YOUR pace, you will be fine....and put a towel under...most bleed the first time.
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Posted by УT§ gUЯL "mÁyЯÁ" Fri Aug 8, 2008 3:28pm PDT
WELL IM 14 N LOST MY VIRGINITY AT 14, I WUZNT ----- 4 SCARED N IT BARELY HURT ME IT ALL DEPENDS HOW U R DONE IF A GUY DOES U MAKE SURE IT IS SLOW N IT WONT HURT THAT MUCH BUT IF A GUY IS ROUGH IT WILL HURT MAKE SURE U R PROTECT UNLESS U DONT WANT TO
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