CAUTION: I am not talking about the magazine here.
I think everybody is tested with the amount of faith he has. Yes believe me, haven't you thought about that? With a simple message from someone you-have-something even a teeny-weeny-thing.. you feel something different. your heart beats a little wilder..
These past few days, I've been in a roller coaster ride, not literally.. my mind have been into a lot of thinking..
This is the time when I miss school days.. when my mind was busy thinking about objective things.. when i can know the right answers in a few seconds.. i can open the glossary and find what i am looking for.. i can search the internet and ta-dah.. the problem is solved..
Life is less intricate those times than now.. i used to complain about how hard going through all the pages i have to analyze and memorize just to answer a maximum of 50 questions in one day for an exam. I had to be up until 2am just to make sure i will pass the course. My life was all about that. I could be careless at times but who cares? It's my life and i ain't hurting anyone..
I thought everything then was as bad as hell.. little did i know that after my school life, there's a lot for me to go through. See, since my near-to-byebye-college days, my mind becomes disoriented.. my life seems messy.. i went for things i don't really like.. and it seems im stuck with it.. with no strength to resist.
Yeah, my world becomes upside down.. when people can say i am a grown-up, i become immature. I can't decide things right. Seems every path i take is a fiasco.
i wasn't like this when a was a kid. I was the kind of person who wanted everything in place, who didn't go for things that i am not sure of the outcome.
So what happened?
As time goes by, i became careless and "care-worse??" .
It started at the time when i learned that our heart could beat faster than the normal rate. I was taught in school that our heart pumps more blood when we are exerting more energy/pressure, more on doing physical things. If we are nervous and scared, our heart feels uneasy. But i wasn't taught that it could beat faster by merely seeing a person or just simply hearing his name. (this is cheesy I'm telling you. it sends me goose bumps..)
I've been attracted to a number of boys especially when i was in primary and secondary school. There's one person I thought I was head over heels in love with.
Let me call him the "quasi-prince-charming..".. looks-10 out of 10 he's 15! , IQ level-salute, Family background-two thumbs up! He is almost perfect.. But he turned out to be too good to be true..
He pursued me when i was still in sixth grade and he was in junior high.. (knowing kids, we were after high school boys then).. Everything felt perfect, we liked it each other so much.. but life isn't perfect at all... not perfect even for a 12-year-old teen like me..
Unperfect moment number 1) I wasn't ready to have a boyfriend then. It was my choice not to and I regret it later, then felt grateful that i didn't a little more later..
Unperfect moment number 2) Somebody else was in love with me (that was just puppy love..), his name is "and-so-i-thought-first-love", we were the "couple" of our section and i thought i felt the same way until this high school guy entered the picture..
Unperfect moment number 3) I lost my "and-so-i-thought-first-love", he was so mad at me because i entertained this "quasi-prince-charming".. He's gone.. i realized i like him better when i lost him.. and so i dumped this"prince-charming".
Unperfect moment number 4) When i lost my "...first-love" , and after i dumped my "..prince-charming" an odd thought came to my mind.. that i am better off with this "..prince-charming". But it was too late, he hooked up with his bestfriend. I was confident that it was me he really liked, so i let them be together... hoping that one day he'll run to me and propose. But years and years went by..no proposal.. until i came across with the news that my "..prince-charming" isn't prince at all.. He likes what girls like.. yeah.. too good to be true huh!
I have this licensed topsy-turvy mind..
When i was in a freshie in secondary school, my world revolved around my "..prince-charming". On my second year, he was gone to college. I was always looking forward to seeing him again.. ignoring all the guys around me.. and one of those guys is someone i never thought i would love in this moment. He ran after me. I let him play my game, i made him hopeful. It was a cycle.. Everytime he feels that i like him, that is the time i would dump him and give reason like i'm noy ready for a relationship, we're better off as friends and all that..
Yes.. i hurt him badly that til now he questions me how did i do that to him..
and maybe karma is true after all.. now it is me, begging him to love me the way he loved me before,, f------ pay back time right?!
