AND LIFE GOES ON... OR DOES IT?

OOOHHHH... MY LIFE. JUST WHEN THINGS SETTLE DOWN AND I GET ON WITH MY LIFE THE PAST COMES AROUND TO SUCK ME BACK IN ITS TUNNEL... SO THE OTHER DAY I RECIEVED A PRIVATE CALL AND I REJECTED IT ON ACCIDENT, THEN ABOUT 5 MINUTES LATER I RECIEVED A MSG ON MYSPACE FROM KARLA WHO IS PAULS WIFE'S FRIEND THE MSG ASKED IF I WAS STILL SEEING PAUL BECAUSE SHE DIDNT WANT HER FRIEND TO SATY WITH SOMEONE LIKE HIM FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE AND THAT SHE WANTED PAUL TO GET CAUGHT. I WAS LIKE WHATVER YOU KNOW I GAVE THEM MY OPINION BEFORE BUT THEY WANTED TO BE ON PAULS SIDE SO f--- IT. SO I DECIDED NOT TO REPLY AND TO PUT MY PAGE ON PRIVATE. WELL THEN I WAS BEING NOSEY AND DECIDED TO CALL AND CHECK PAULS VOICEMAIL WELL APPARENTLY SHE HAS HIS NUMBER AND ITS NOW HER VOICEMAIL BECAUSE PAUL HAD LEFT HER ALL SORTS OF MESSAGES TELLING HER THAT HE WAS OING TO GET A DIVORCE THAT HE DIDNT WANT TO BE WITH HER ANYMORE THAT SHE SCREWED UP THIS TIME AND YADA YADA NOW I KNOW ITS WRONG BUT DAMN THATS WHAT HE GETS. LIKE I TOLD VERONICA IF JAZ CHEATS ON HIM HE DESERVES IT, HE DESERVES EVERYTHING HE GETS, EVERYTHING. IT SERVES HIM RIGHT! I CAN'T HELP BUT SMILE AT THE THOUGHT OF PAUL SOUNDING SO HURT! I KNOW THATS WRONG AND THAT I SHOULDNT TAKE PLEASURE IN ANYONE ELSES PAIN BUT OHHHH... IT FEELS SO GOOD. I KNOW THAT I'M BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM.

SO ON ANOTHER SUBJECT MY SOLDIER!!!!!! OMG!! HE CAM EHOME FOR HIS BIRTHDAY HE WAS HERE FOR TWO WEEKS AND WELL... WE HAD SEX! I DUNNO WHERE WE ARE GOING. MAYBE IT WAS JUST SEX BUT I KNOW THIS I LOVE HIM. AFTER ALL THIS TIME I STILL THINK ABOUT HIM EVERYDAY, I STILL MISS HIM EVERYDAY, I STILL WANT HIM BY MY SIDE EVERYDAY. SO HE WENT BACK TO IRAQ ABOUT A WEEK AGO NOW, BUT HE HASNT BEEN ONLINE TILL YESTERDAY SO I HAVENT HAD THE OPPORTUNITY TO TALK TO HIM. I'M REALLY ON THE FENCE WITH HIM. I DONT KNOW IF I SHOULD FINALLY JUST BITE THE BULLET AND TELL HIM HOW I FEEL THAT I LOVE HIM AND DAMN ITS BEEN FIVE YEARS AND I WANT US TO FINALLY SETTLE DOWN TOGETHER. OR MAYBE I SHOULD JUST ACCEPT OUR LAST TIME TOGETHER JUST AS A GREAT NIGHT AND GREAT SEX AND LET HIM GO AND MOVE ON. WELL THE NIGHT HE CAME OVER WAS SOOO SURREAL LIKE I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. THAT NIGHT HE LIKE TOTALLY MADE LOVE TO ME, IT WASNT JUST A QUICK ENCOUNTER. WELL WHEN HE LEFT HE HUGGED ME SO TIGHT AND KISSED ME AND IT LIKE MADE ME WANT TO CRY!! IT FELT LIKE HE WAS HUGGING ME LIKE HE WAS NEVER GOING TO SEE ME AGAIN, WHICH I KNOW HE WASNT GOING TO BE ABLE TO SEE ME AGAIN BEFORE HE LEFT, BUT MAN THAT HUG AND KISS WAS LIKE WOW! LIKE HE JUST UGGED ME SO TIGHT AND FOR SO LONG HE JUST STOOD THERE AND HELD ME IN HIS ARMS. LIKE I SAID I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. I WOULD GIVE UP ANYTHING FOR HIM. I REALLY LOVE HIM. I JUST DONT KNOW HOW HE FEELS ABOUT ME. MAYBE I SHOULD JUST QUIT PLAYING THIS GAME. MAYBE ITS TIME FOR ME TO STEP UP AND JUST PUT IT ALL OUT THERE.

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST I HAVE DECIDED TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL!!! I WANT TO BE A RN. SOOO HOPEFULLY COME JANUARY I WILL GET STARTED ON MY BASICS. I DONT WANT TO DO LIKE THE TRADE SCHOOL THING. I WANT TO GET THE REAL DEGREE! I DONT WANT TO BE A CNA I WANT TO BE THE RN. I WOULD REALLY LOVE TO BE THE DR BUT THATS WAY TOOO MUCH SCHOOL AND I DONT HAVE THAT KINDA PATIENCE. SO KEEP YOUR FINGERS CROSSED FOR ME, I'M GOING TO NEED ALL THE LUCK I CAN GET!!!!!!!

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO