Does the guy you recently started dating like to cuddle? Is he fascinated by your thoughts on neoclassical architecture? Does he like to tell you about his day or whine about his Mom? Does he want to take you to brunch the next morning? But then he tells your best friend -- 100% sure that she will pass the info onto you -- that he just doesn't want a girlfriend right now?
What we have here is a classic case of intimacy lite, also sometimes known as casual intimacy.
If you’ve ever spooned your booty call or held hands with your one-night stand, you’re familiar with intimacy lite. If both parties are fully onboard with the lite nature of the intimacy, it’s perfectly natural -- everyone needs a cuddle sometimes, and even the most ardent commitment-phobe among us misses snuggling and nuzzling.
Speaking of commitment-phobes (i.e. 99.9% of male college students), they are especially prone to indulging in intimacy lite, and this often sends a mixed message, because if his mouth is saying one thing and his body is saying another, then you're probably going to listen to whichever message you like best. Sure, he might tell you that that the sex doesn't mean anything, but does brunch invalidate that sort of agreement? Not in our book -- but plenty of tenderhearted young things out there might think so. All crushed up, you refuse to believe that sometimes, someone simply needs help finishing the crossword, or wants company at brunch because all their good friends are brunching with their significant others
To make a sweeping generalization (Who, us? Never!), men are most often the culprits in cases of misinterpreted intimacy lite, perhaps because they dominate the ranks of the commitment-phobic. It’s not just getting free milk -- it’s having Bessie listen to you ramble on about your problems at work, too: a mini-me relationship on tap, whenever you need a top-up.
If someone regularly engages in intimacy lite, we like to refer to them as a "sampler," i.e. a man -- or, yes, sometimes a woman -- who subsists on a diet of sex and relationship “samplers.” You know how some supermarkets offer tastings of new products in every aisle? If you’re a cheapskate (and not a germaphobe), you can make a meal of it -- melon squares in aisle 1, cheese and ham at the deli counter, brownies over in aisle 7. Keep doing laps, avoid making too much eye contract with the product rep, and sample away. In the world of hooking up, samplers ensure a balanced diet by relying heavily on light intimacy from multiple product reps.
So, if intimacy lite sounds like a fun way to pass the summer to you, then go ahead and keep taking this guy's calls. But if you really want to be his girlfriend, then we recommend moving on and not letting him sample any more of your, ahem, melon squares.
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