Dear Em & Lo,
I met this
guy, D., about 4 months ago. We have done very simple meetings,
basically coffee talking. We exchange text messages several times a
day, some are sexual in nature. We talk a couple times a day on the
phone. We both have said we feel a definite connection. The problem
lies in that we can't seem to get our schedules to coincide to spend
any significant time together. We are both divorced with kids. We have
planned dates on several occasions but things have come up and one of
us has had to cancel. We laugh, joke, have serious conversations,
flirt, and have been there for each other when things are going bad. We
seem to have all the ingredients for a great relationship except the
ability to spend time together. My question is this: should I continue
with this or should I just move on? I have dated a couple of other guys
since D. but I keep going back to wanting D. What do I do?
Thank you,
Frustrated
Dear Frustrated,
Just move on.
It's
been four freakin' months! If he wanted to see you in a more serious
capacity--heck, if he wanted to see you, period--he would have made it
happen by now, schedules be damned. We know kids can seriously hinder
one's romantic and sexual spontaneity and freedom, but this is
ridiculous.
If we had to guess, we'd say he enjoys this
flirty, light-hearted relationship with you precisely because of its
lack of commitment (he's probably enjoying it with others, too),
especially if he only got divorced fairly recently; and he's probably
avoiding anything that might suggest exclusivity like, say, a weekend
together, or even just a nice meal.
Plus, you've got to admit,
wanting what you can't have is appealing--to both of you. Obstacles to
love/lust keep things exciting. They also keep things in the realm of
idealized fantasy, rather than boring reality: the sooner you actually
get together, the sooner you'll discover that he farts in public and
he'll realize that you talk with your mouth full (or whatever annoying
habit you have).
There's something to be said about this kind
of virtual relationship--the talking, the flirting, the connection; it
could be fun if you just accept it for what it is. But you obviously
want something more, or else you wouldn't have written. The benefit of
the "move on" approach is two-fold: your constant disappointment will
end, and your absence may be the kick in the ass he needs to make a
more significant relationship gesture. If not, then you'll know he
wasn't that into you to begin with.
With much tough love,
Em & Lo
Related Links from Daily Bedpost and Glamour:
Ask Em & Lo: I'm dating his phone, not him
- by , on Mon May 5, 2008 9:56am PDT
- Read More from This Author »
- Let’s talk: Comment (11) | Blog
- Email to a Friend
- Print this Page
Syndication:
From the Community…
-
Posted by Mon May 5, 2008 11:17am PDT
Report AbuseIt sounds to me like you have all the makings of a great friendship, not romantic relationship, despite the mild sexual flirtation. Talking on the phone regularly and "being there" during tough times is what I do with my girlfriends; planning a future together and going on nice dates is what I do with my partner.
If your children are really what keeps you apart, why not plan a get-together that includes them? Pack a lunch and have a picnic at the playground. If your kids are too old for a playdate, then they are way too old to interrupt your personal life.
If planning a playdate doesn't work out, then just start ignoring his sexual innuendo. He is not serious about you in any way, so just take it as a friendship and look for love with someone who cares enough to take a night off to be with you.
-
Posted by Mon May 5, 2008 11:26am PDT
Report Abusehmmm are you in the Raleigh NC area? Sounds like a guy I was seeing with that same first initial...hmmmm
-
Posted by Mon May 5, 2008 1:40pm PDT
Report Abusehe in not worth it find a new man me and my husband are divorcing to he moved his girlfriend into the house we shared together for 3 yrs
-
-
Posted by Mon May 5, 2008 9:25pm PDT
Report Abusewell yea you might have a good connection,, but hes probably cheating?
-
Posted by Tue May 6, 2008 8:39am PDT
Report AbuseI heard that many divorced people met their soul met at blackwhitemeet dot com. Is it true? Can we also go to the site to find our love?
-
-
Posted by Wed May 7, 2008 7:51am PDT
Report AbuseM O V E O N ! ! ! Good lord... are you looking for a "electronic" relationship? Bet you aren't... get over it.
-
Posted by Wed May 7, 2008 8:11am PDT
Report AbuseThis exact thing happened to me and it did not last long, nothing can replace human touch.
-
Posted by Thu May 8, 2008 11:50am PDT
Report Abusei agree with a majority of the commenters here, if you haven't found one time to meet in FOUR months it is probably just an intense friendship. does it mean you should stop talking? not exactly, enjoy it for what it is, but if you are certain that you want more i would say move on.
leave your comment
You must sign in to post a comment