Sean messaged me like the first week I signed up for Match.com and said something about sharing my love for Goonies and Mexican food. I wasn’t quite sure he was going to be my type in person, but he had potential because he was over 6’0”, slim, and had a nice smile. We messaged for a couple weeks and then agreed to meet for coffee and gelato at Bridgeport Village just a couple short days after my date with Jeremy.
As I walked across the courtyard, I thought maybe I saw him sitting on a bench but I wasn’t sure from that distance so I kept going. Then just as I was approaching the entrance, the guy I had seen on the bench came rushing up on my right side just in time to open the door for me. It was Sean. We paused just inside the entry to exchange introductions but as he stood there, he just kept looking at me with wide eyes. We got in line to peruse the flavors but every time I looked at him, I noticed he was still staring at me with that kind of stunned, wide-eyed, deer in the headlights look, um, what the heck?
I guess it seemed like he was looking at me as if I was supernatural. I know, get over myself right? But seriously, that’s the best way I can explain it. Imagine what your face would look like if you just saw an angel drop out of heaven right in front of you and her holy aura was lighting up the room. That was the way he was looking at me. I swear! Like he was in awe or something. I’ve only had one other date look at me that way (coming later), like maybe I was a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model who had just sashayed right off the cover to grace him with my unrivaled beauty. On one hand I sort of wish all guys were so easily captivated or enchanted but while he was looking at me like I was the last woman on earth and the continuation of the species rested in our hands, I had already known from the first second we were inside that he wasn’t quite my type. So I was just biding my time. And wondering whether this whole Match thing had been a bad idea after all.
I ordered the chocolate and a small drip coffee, he got something vanilla-y. As we waited for them to scoop our gelato, the staring thing finally culminated in him saying, “Your makeup is flawless”. I looked at him a little funny, thanked him, and walked away to pick a table.
He chilled out a little on the staring after that, thank god, but then he moved into phase II of Operation Impress Martha by telling me all about his business and career plans. He was a self-made, very ambitious, and successful guy, which I admired, but his aspirations to be a gazillionaire just didn’t matter because I had already decided he wasn’t the guy for me, siiiiiigh.
As we continued talking, everything he told me was another nail in the coffin of killing any chance he could ever have of being my type. He said he wasn’t the outdoor type, that he planned to get a nanny when he had kids, and that he didn’t like doing anything physical. Uh-oh. I had visions of him refusing to ever mow the lawn, take out the garbage, or change the oil. Menial tasks like that would surely have to be saved for the hired help I was thinking. OK, so I know this is awful, and a little embarrassing, but you know what? I actually kind of like those redneck-y guys who drive trucks, wear baseball caps, drink beer, work on the car, and do yard work without a shirt on in the summertime, oh yeahhhh!
Sean wasn’t anywhere near manly enough for me. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want some roughneck, racist, loudmouth, belching, close-minded macho-man who gets in fights everywhere we go and thinks I should wear a dress every time I leave the house, but I do want a manly-man. There’s a difference. The manly-man is the kind of guy who can get things done, who does the final walk through to make sure the house is locked up at night, who sleeps with a shotgun under the bed, and could hold his own in a physical challenge. The type of guy who’s strong enough to have hot against-the-wall sex, and who’s daring enough to get head while we’re driving on the freeway.
What can I say? Dating someone who’s fit, enjoys the outdoors, and does the things I deem to be “guy stuff” makes me feel more feminine and gives me the warm-fuzzy feeling I want as a woman. I guess at the end of the day, manly-men inspire more respect, admiration, and sexual attraction from me.
Sean was a nice guy and I’m sure he’ll make some gold-digger super happy someday but he was too feminine and perhaps a bit pretentious for me. I could tell he was trying to convince me that he either already had a lot of money, or that he would have a lot of money in the future, but what he didn’t realize was that money wouldn’t make or break it for me. I’m looking for love not money so I want a relationship with a guy I feel like I can’t live without. One that I can’t keep my hands off of, one that I send naughty pictures to with messages telling him what I want him to do to me when he gets home. And yet one who can still make me laugh and make me think, who holds me close at night and that I feel safe telling all my secrets to.
Sean offered to walk me to my car, of course, which was “nice” but unnecessary since I wasn’t interested. I gave him a quick hug at the end, the kind where you lean over from the waist and kind of pat your hands on their shoulders a few time. I messaged him on Match the following day. I said something like, “It was really nice meeting you, thanks again for the gelato. There’s not quite enough chemistry for me but I’m sure you’ll meet someone wonderful, best of luck with your dating adventures”. He messaged back, and while I don’t remember the exact words, basically he was annoyed that I had unnecessarily messaged him to say I wasn’t interested. Hmmmm, okaaaaaaay.
My intention had simply been to be honest; I wasn’t trying to hurt his feelings or anything. I could tell he really liked me so I wanted to let him know, in as nice a way as possible that I wasn’t interested romantically so he wouldn’t be waiting around and wondering. I had assumed he would appreciate me letting him know where I stood, but apparently not. Were the “rules” of online dating different, did people simply stop responding to messages when they decided they weren’t interested as opposed to being direct and saying they weren’t interested? At the time I didn’t know, but now I’d say that no response IS a response, right?
Sometimes it just seems like you can’t win them all though and you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. People say they want you to “be honest” with them but then when you are, they change their tune. Is it just a case of hurt feelings, like “the truth hurts”? Is it disbelief maybe, like how could you possibly not be interested in ME? While most people say they prefer honesty, in reality, social norms usually dictate that silence is actually the better policy. Maybe it’s because the buffer of silence shelters our ego from the direct rejection of KNOWING the other person isn’t interested so it’s easier to “wonder”, “I don’t know why she/he hasn’t called me back” than it is to accept the truth which is that you’re officially not that person’s type. Go figure.
Or maybe in this case, it was just his sensitive, feminine side flaring up in defense to my assertive logic and direct communication. I mean he did notice my makeup first, of all things for god’s sake, so who knows…
