Can you ever really trust again?

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  Posted by QT4U Fri Feb 20, 2009 8:47pm PST

  No, you can't trust again! Once a liar, always a liar. Once you've been hurt, there's no turning back. It's best to just move on to a different relationship, IMHO.

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  Posted by ZZZZZZ Sat Feb 21, 2009 3:59am PST

  I wish I could say that: of course, it's possible to truly rebuild/ recreate trust once you have been profoundly lied to.

  That, so far, is NOT my experience!

  Neither my husband nor I were naive or inexperienced when we married in our very late 20s. I thought that the promises we both happily made to each other to be honest, loving, faithful, trusting ("for better or for worse") meant exactly that. We could and would retain our individuality -- we're both quite independent -- and we were completely committed to our marriage.

  So it was quite a shock when I discovered that the man I had so implicitly trusted for decades had been having an "emotional affair" with a work colleague for four or five YEARS (yes, years!) and that he had repeatedly looked me in the eyes and boldfaced lied about it.

  I accidentally stumbled upon damning evidence (some very flirtatious e-mails, for a start) about 19 months ago. We have been trying to rebuild our marriage since.

  Couples counseling has helped considerably, especially with his accepting total responsibility for his behavior, deception and disrespect. I learned about my part in our "break down" and how to communicate more effectively (as well as listen!).

  The anger and pain are diminishing -- thank God! I keep reminding myself that nobody's perfect (certainly not me!), everyone deserves a second chance, All those familiar saws.

  HOWEVER...something has been broken and it will never be the same again. In therapy I likened it to Humpty Dumpty (that nursery rhyme...OK, I have a weird imagination!): even though I have carefully retrieved and refitted every piece of the egg, super glued it all back together, and, striving for perfection, in such a way that the cracks are barely if at all perceptible to the "naked eye"...even then...I know that it's not the same as it was before it shattered! I live with that knowledge.

  That's where I'm at now. We continue to work toward recreating a marriage and I continue to live with doubt. Since he lied to me then how do I really, REALLY know he's telling me the truth now?

  I have e-mail passwords (however opening another "secret" to me account is really easy to do), I see his cell phone (texts can be erased, especially now that he knows I'm looking for them) and he can always call from work, a pay phone, whatever. He says there has been no contact of any kind. He says.

  I didn't used to be like this. And that's where I find I need the greatest forgiveness. I need to forgive myself for ignoring a "feeling", for not acting sooner (even without hard evidence), for all those things I can so clearly see in hindsight that I was so blind to when I was living them!

  So, no I don't find you off base. I'm right there next to you!

  I wish I wasn't because I think this doubt is eventually going to mean the end of this marriage, much of which has been exciting, surprising (in the best possible ways) and wonderful (including a brilliant daughter).

  I am still basically a person who trusts. I just don't trust my husband (who IS trying so hard to make this work --now...) as far as our most intimate of relationships is concerned.

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  Posted by Chel Sun Apr 19, 2009 10:09pm PDT

  If he is truly repentant don't give up. With God, it can be better. As you see here women are chasing our men.... the pressure and temptations many.He could have left with her right?You both can help heal each others scars. I hope the women messing with other womens men HEAR YOUR PAIN and do what is right and get the hell out of where they have no right being. Remember what goes around comes around.You will find your self in zzzzz seat. And it is the worst pain and hell that you could imagine. God bless you girl hang in there. everyone deserves a second chance.One time they can claim insainity and evil @#$$% lead them astray, if he does it again, pack his bags.

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