Okay, so here's the scene. You're driving down the road when you see a car that looks like the one owned by the woman your man had an affair with. It's parked in front of a small cafe. You know it isn't her car, but still you begin wondering if he's ever taken her there or how many other quiet lunch dates they had in similar places. You start imagining them talking, laughing, touching each other and behaving like newlyweds. You wonder if their conversation was about sex and when they could sneak away to have another wet, steamy encounter. Your blood starts to boil as you imagine them, once again, in the midst of a sexual escapade. You wonder how he kissed her, how he touched her, and how his body responded to hers. Then suddenly, you hear the horn from the car behind you honking impatiently, and you realize the signal light has been green for quite a while. As you are driving away, shaking, sweating and mad as h*ll, you wonder if there will ever be a time when you are free from these graphic, horrific images.
What you are experiencing are called "Triggers". Triggers are thoughts and images which creep into your mind and completely disrupt your day by reminding you of the affair, and the level of deception that you were subjected to. They can come in the form of songs on the radio, smells, places visited, photographs from times past and a multitude of other happenings which take you back to the pain of your new reality. The problem with triggers is that they are difficult to stop, but with a bit of work, they can be managed. Although they do get better and farther apart with time, the closer you are to the moment you discovered the affair, the more frequent their occurrence.
The best thing to do is to try to employ a strategy which will keep you from obsessing over these painful thoughts and images, and consequently minimize their duration and impact. When you find that images are beginning to creep into your mind and make you ill, I suggest you practice what is called Thought Diversion. Thought diversion is an action or practice which causes an interruption in your thought process. For example, one method I highly recommend is whenever you begin to have a mental image of your man and that woman, clap your hands as loudly as you can and yell "STOP!" Sometimes you may have to clap several times in a row and yell, "STOP! STOP! STOP!" until you are able to re-take control of your thoughts. You may also want to try blowing a whistle, slapping your leg, or snapping a rubber band against your wrist. I know that this may sound silly, but it actually works extremely well when you find yourself mentally getting off track and obsessing over sometimes concocted thoughts about events over which you have no control. I suggest you try this method whenever and wherever you are when these thoughts creep up. And, if your man happens to be in the room, explain to him what you are doing. This way he is aware of the lengths you are going to in order to recover from his affair, without attacking or berating him (sort of a passive/aggressive move, if you know what I mean).
Although managing triggers is one of the most challenging parts of dealing with your man's affair, they WILL get better as you are able to increase the time between obsessive episodes. The key to overcoming this mental and emotional obstacle is finding a positive, productive way to manage your thoughts, and employing a strategy for making it through each day, one minute at a time. So regardless of whether the affair ends your relationship or not, you will be fine. Just remember, that which does not kill us makes us stronger.
Need more help? Visit Ultimate Betrayal.
Can't stop thinking about him having sex with the other woman?
user
- Let’s talk: Comment (11) | Blog
- Email to a Friend
- Print this Page
From the Community…
-
Posted by Tue May 20, 2008 3:33pm PDT
Report AbuseWow, another great piece Ms Manette! I love the positive, encouraging tone of your posts. They are all extremely helpful to those of us who are in the thick of this mess. I appreciate your encouraging energy. Keep em' coming!!
-
Posted by Tue May 20, 2008 4:17pm PDT
Report AbuseI really enjoyed reading this article. Thanks for the insightful information.
-
Posted by Tue May 20, 2008 7:16pm PDT
Report AbuseNo woman should let a man drive her coo-coo,stay strong, focus,hold your head up, why waste precious time thinking about the past,thats done your feelings crushed pick up the pieces and lets go, tomarrow is only a day away.
-
Posted by Fri Jun 13, 2008 12:06pm PDT
Report Abusewow, it may not kill you but sure as hell makes a mess out of you. this sounds more like torture. I'd rather leave the relationship then deal with this or having to explain why in the hell i'm slapping myself instead of him.
-
Posted by Tue Jun 17, 2008 12:18pm PDT
Report Abusei'm with you, ALOL55. not just because "once a cheater, always a cheater"... but also because one of, if not THE MOST, basic foundation of any relationship is TRUST. i know that people do repair relationships and "move on"... but there is always (in my very humble opinion) that residual little voice that wonders "where is now?, who's he with? what's he doing? would he do it again?" personally, i couldn't continue like that. i'd have to leave the relationship.
-
Posted by Thu Jun 19, 2008 6:13pm PDT
Report Abusemy God india and ALOL55 hit it on the head. u were first betrayed by this act, now it continues to make your life miserable and lets face it is she really worth it? this act hurt u the day u found out. now everytime any little thing happens it hurts u again should any woman get this much attention? so often, we as woman, just let it go but who are we really helping and is it really worth the sacrifice. nobody should be allowed to have that kinda hold over our lives. it is Godly to forgive but i say y forget how he hurt u? what doesn't kill u does make u stronger but i promise as i've learned these situations never just go away. find a inner pease in u and move on from that man who obviously has not grown up and still doesn't know what he wants. my question is always if he cares for me so much and he wants this relationship why did he hurt me so bad? please remember its not her fault your man cant keep his hands to himself. love u first nobody else will!
-
-
Posted by Tue Jan 13, 2009 8:27pm PST
Report AbuseAll I'm going to say is, Thank You. I've been online for 2 hours looking for something exactly like this.
-
Posted by Tue Feb 3, 2009 12:42pm PST
Report AbuseHey I just wrote a blog on a similar topic. My man didn't cheat but he didn't know what he wanted at the beginning of our relationship. He was still busted up over his ex of 8 years and I had to sit and watch patiently as he went from miserable to happy with me. I don't know why I stayed around. I felt an overwhelming love for him. But I wish I would have put my foot down and left the relationship early to stand my ground and if he came back to me then I'd a known he was ready and that all he wanted was me. He'd been broken up w/ her for a year but when she'd call or come around he'd react as if they were still in a relationship. He wasn't sleeping w/ her still I know that but he was still mentally attached. Now things are dandy he loves me, wants only me we are happy, but I can't stop obsessing over his ex! It is something I'm tryin to get over too. I have triggers like break up songs, anything to do w/ his past. It sux. I feel u
-
Posted by Fri Feb 20, 2009 12:50pm PST
Report AbuseI like this reading it may help me out ! but if it dont what other things could i do to stop him from thinking about having sex with my twin
leave your comment
You must sign in to post a comment