Love + Sex
Friday, December 11, 2009
Coping With Adultery
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- by ModernMom, on Mon Oct 19, 2009 12:20am PDT
By Michelle LaRowe.
Few things may be more
hurtful and humiliating than learning that your spouse has had an
affair. In fact, the sense of betrayal, anger and sadness that you
feel can be downright overwhelming. If these feelings aren't
processed and dealt with appropriately, the healing process will
never occur. While some marriages do survive affairs, it's
important to learn to cope with adultery so that the decisions you
make about your future aren't strictly based on your initial
reaction and raw emotions.
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Slow down your thinking. In the moment, you may
feel pressured to react or respond to learning your spouse has had
an affair and want to immediately take action, but it's
important to make a rational decision with regard to your next
step. Learning about an affair is emotionally traumatizing, and it
will take some time for you to be able to think clearly and
calculate your next step. If you allow yourself time to make a
rational decision, it will be a decision you won't regret or
second guess.
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Contact a counselor. Once your brain
decompresses and you begin to process what has truly occurred,
you'll want to have someone you can share your feelings with.
While it's great to share your feelings with friends and
family, having the objective insight and unbiased listening ear of
a marriage and family counselor can help you process your feelings
and learn to manage them in a healthy way.
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Talk to your spouse. After you've had a
chance to really process what has happened and you've taken the
time to examine your feelings and emotions, set up a time to share
what you're feeling with your spouse. Lay some ground rules
before you begin the conversation. These may include things like
asking your spouse to listen and not talk until you're done
sharing what you need to.
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Find the underlying cause of the affair. While
you are not to blame for the affair, most affairs occur as a result
of underlying issues in the marriage. Examine your marriage and
take inventory of yourself and your spouse. Work to correct any
underlying issues that may have triggered the affair.
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Make a conscious, rational decision. After
processing and discussing your feelings and evaluating your
marriage, you'll need to make a calculated decision on how to
proceed. You may want to salvage your marriage, or you may want to
end it. Marriages can be salvaged after an affair, but you'll
need to make the choice to trust and forgive your spouse and commit
to moving forward.
Resources
- 8 Steps for Coping With Adultery, from eHow
- Save My Marriage Today website
Tip
- Just as your spouse is responsible for the affair, you're
responsible for how you cope with it. Handle your emotions
responsibly, and avoid trying to get back at your spouse.
Warnings
- While it can be tempting to tell everyone what your spouse has
done, it can also make things worse. Your friends and family will
naturally want to be protective and may take action to punish your
spouse for what he has done.
Coping
With Adultery originally published on
Modernmom.com
Related
Love
& Relationships Articles:
Leaving
a Marriage
What Do Marriage Counselors Ask Couples?
Dealing
With a Break Up
How To Talk to Your Spouse About a Divorce
Michelle LaRowe is the 2004 International Nanny Association Nanny
of the Year and is the author of the Nanny to the Rescue! parenting
series and Working Mom's 411. Michelle has over a decade of
professional nanny experience and enjoys living on Cape Cod with
her husband, Jeff and daughter Abigail. You can learn more about
Michelle at www.michellelarowe.com.
Related: marraige, cheating, affair, adultery
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Posted by sunshine Mon Oct 19, 2009 2:20am PDT
Well, as for me, I think, if ever my husband is having an affair,I don't care if he is having one,as long as I know that he is ready to change and move on with life with us and if he was just carried away because we are far from him,I don't want to dig into his connections or affairs as long as he is ready to renew his life and if he thinks that we are more important than his love connections,He doesn;t need to let me know about it for it will only hurt,but I just want him to come home and be with us and stop all his affairs.Even if I meet them on the streets, I don't care as long as my husband is back with me.To digg into their affair will just tend to bruise your life,but why not just be deaf and blind,and continue with your family life and just forget the past,don't dig into it,and face today and the future with thankfulnes of the heart,to know that your husband is back for a change and a new life with you.For me,never dig into someone's past,so that life will just go on smoothly as long as your husband will stop commiting adultery.If he has children from them,pay them a big amount of money so that they will stop anoying you,let your husband and that woman talk in front of a lawyer and made arrangements that you will pay her all the damages,but not to bother your family anymore,give the generous amount so they could also stand and live with her child until that child reach adulthood,or if they are not willing to take care of their own child,as a wife,I will get the child,and my husband will make amends to give them a onetime generous amount to start a business and support their life and we will just move to another place so that we won't be bothered anymore.For me as a wife, I will fight for the right of my children not to loose a father,and I can keep our relationship just smooth as if nothing ever happened as long as my husband will just come home and not show me any bad behavior and if I see that he wants to change.I just want my husband to know how to get out from any situation that he got into without putting me into trouble.As much as he can just leave an affair without any trouble and without going back into it,the better.
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Posted by None Mon Oct 19, 2009 8:18am PDT
Nah, I couldn't live this life, if someone ever cheated on me, I want to know and I could "try" to stay with you say I give you another chance, but what is the point? I will grow disgust and hate for you each day looking at you knowing you betrayed me, so do everyone a favor and leave. Cheaters have obsessive compulsive disorders and will do it again, only 1% are truly sorry and will beg for forgiveness, but as a woman, I couldn't look at that person the same ever again and would just want revenge and that is no way to live.
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Posted by allen Mon Oct 19, 2009 8:58am PDT
Sunshine 6 you are a naive dumbass.
None 38 you are spot on.
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Posted by Jonea Mon Oct 19, 2009 9:14am PDT
ive been engaged for a wk now nd if my fiance cheated, i give him anthr chance, but id let him kno u asked me to marry u so therefore u goin do right by me or we done simple as tht
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Posted by anh Mon Oct 19, 2009 11:31am PDT
How about a partner who left his last relationship because he was cheated on? These tips would be helpful for helping him deal with a new relationship, because he may have leftover issues with "women" that would tempt him to 'seek revenge' for old issues (like insecurity about his 'desirability'). Don't expect such a guy to change for you overnight! Be a friend as well as a lover, and let him show you what he needs instead of assuming anything (can result in "woman trying to control our sex life" thoughts). It works!
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Posted by Mammina Mon Oct 19, 2009 12:09pm PDT
Nah not for me. I could never trust a partner who cheated on me. I would always live in fear that he would cheat again, and would drive both of us crazy. I am convinced of the simple idea that if a person really loves his partner, there is no reason for him (or her) to cheat. If he does, he is not worth the trouble. As simple as that.
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Posted by Doktor Eevol Mon Oct 19, 2009 12:18pm PDT
"Step 5
Make a conscious, rational decision."
Yeah, leave!
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Posted by Barbie Mon Oct 19, 2009 1:19pm PDT
You can never trust that person again. My husband cheated on me when I was pregnant. I only went back for my son and I realized it was f------ pointless and he didn't stop cheating. So I left him and we are getting a divorce. Plan and simple.. f--- the bull s---..if they are gonna cheat then get ready to hand those walking papers to them.
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Posted by jennifer f Mon Oct 19, 2009 2:21pm PDT
The woman who stays with the cheating husband is just as sick or even sicker than he is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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