Love + Sex

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Dating Diaries: 10 dating red flags

Getty Images

Getty Images

When determining if you should let things get serious, remember: actions speak louder than words. With that being said, here are ten dating red flags. If you see any of these, do yourself a favor and reconsider if it's worth it for you.

1. You are not on the VIP list for breaking news

Were you the last to learn about this person's job promotion or newborn niece or nephew? Once things are serious, you should be among the first to know about exciting news, or bad news.


2. They avoid meeting your family or friends

If they are shying away from meeting your friends/family consistently, then there are problems. Even if they are very shy, they should want to meet those who are important to you.


Photo creidt: Weblo

Photo creidt: Weblo

3. They don't make any sacrifices

Healthy relationships don't require bending over backwards all the time, but a certain amount of sacrifice is necessary in a selfless union. When two of my friends first started dating one another, she demanded that he go to Farm Aid for her birthday, which was also the opening NFL football Sunday. While all the guys gathered to watch the games, he was sweltering on some field attending Farm Aid -- an event he never would have gone to if she hadn't have invited him. Now that's sacrifice.

4. They can't fit in your future

I admit it. When I meet girls, I envision future moments I may some day share with them. Most of my scenarios are her with me and my family at a Thanksgiving holiday or at a summer crabfeast. If I'm really into her, I usually relish the thought. If not, I kinda cringe.

5. They are too controlling

It's scary but I've seen many relationships where guys forbid girls to hang out with certain friends, or wear certain clothes. Major problem if someone is controlling you and not allowing you to be who you want to be within a relationship.

6. The "what are we" conversation fails miserably

Almost every relationship hits that crossroads where you both decide if it's worth taking the plunge into being exclusive and calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend. If they are confused and surprised that you're ready to get serious, the timing is not right, and you should try to figure out how long you want to wait around until they are ready.

Photo credit: University of Pittsburgh

Photo credit: University of Pittsburgh

7. They talk about plans that don't involve you

My sister has major wanderlust. She's always talking about heading off to Chicago or living in London for a year. She often talks about these things with no regard for the fact that she has a boyfriend at the time. If you find that someone is making plans or talking about far off places without inviting you along for the ride, don't let yourself get too into this person.

8. Your friends or family don't like them

Remember that your friends and family know you best. Don't take their thoughts with a grain of salt. It's one thing if a person or two don't get along with your significant other, but if a lot of them are saying you should reconsider, then do it. Unfortunately, we often find out about how much our friends hated that person after this person is gone.


9. They violated your trust

Whether it's cheating or a little lie that they got caught in, it will be hard to regain trust. Trust is something we don't give away easily, and once it's gone it's hard to get it back. We'll always be wondering about that lie, and doubt will creep in more and more as our minds fixate on that lie. Too often, people take trust for granted and once they lose it they never get it back.

10. You practice "unbalanced dating"

Are you always seeing his friends or doing things that he wants to do? Do you just let him pick the restaurants and events? Or is it the other way around? Relationships are fun when you are both able to contribute. If you're not taking turns creating fun times together, it will most likely fizzle out.

What would you add to the list? Ever been a victim of any of these red flags?


Posted by Rich

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From the Community…

Comments 1-10 of 357
  • Rae's Avatar
    Posted by Rae Sat Sep 13, 2008 12:24am PDT

    I agree with everything in your article except for number 8. Family and friends.

    My family has never ever liked anyone I am with. Ever. I have dated guys from every economic level, race, and my Mother has always found a way to lecture me after things go bad that somehow she knew it all along...Yes I have one of those mothers. I also am informed at different times that I dont listen to her. (allthough I really do)

    I want someone that I am into. If their family and friends like me then thats wonderful. If they dont it shouldnt mean that I have to dump him because the family didnt welcome me with open arms. I feel its natural for family and friends to kind of sit back and wait to see how serious things get and what a girls/guys intentions are. But the final decision lies with each other. I would love to have my mother be crazy about anyone that I am dating, but that has only happened ONE time and that particular guy cheated on me.

    I also think that red flags may not be deal breakers but they are hot topics that should be discussed and worked out. You are awesome bringing this topic up. People need to really see what they are getting into in relationships and not just follow the wind pattern. Take Care-Rachel.

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  • OLD420's Avatar
    Posted by OLD420 Thu Sep 18, 2008 10:25pm PDT

    BLAH BLAH BLAH !!! THOSE ARE MORE THAN RED FLAGS THEY ARE TURN AND RUN LIKE HELL !!! BUT ITS COMMON SENSE IF YOU DONT HAVE THE PEOPLE SKILLS ................ YOUR GOING TO GET HURT .......

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  • Sundrop's Avatar
    Posted by Sundrop Thu Sep 18, 2008 10:26pm PDT

    The thing is, articles of this nature can be dangerous to a relationship too, especially when you're telling people they should cut their losses. A few of these things may be red flags and certainly need to be discussed or heeded, but to regard them as the end all of things is redicculous. Our lives may have turned into a fast paced, corporate, pre- arranged existence over the course of the past century, but you can't do that with love.

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  • Amanda's Avatar
    Posted by Amanda Thu Sep 18, 2008 10:26pm PDT

    Big Red Flag, Too much internet surfing. my ex started surfing the internet. it wasn't a big deal, until he was online all the time, and later I found out he was meeting other women online and flirting.

    also... a lot of texting. i hate when guys text ALL the time. its rude, and it makes us always wondering who they're talking to all the time.. esp. when its at 3 am.

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  • erie drunk's Avatar
    Posted by erie drunk Thu Sep 18, 2008 10:30pm PDT

    this are always garbage

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  • Lindsey's Avatar
    Posted by Lindsey Thu Sep 18, 2008 10:31pm PDT

    I agree with some of these, especially 1 through 5 and 9, but the last one is not a red flag of the other person. It's a red flag that you yourself is not taking your part in what should be mutual.

    So what if friends and family don't like him. Everyone is different, I don't ever expect all of my friends and family to like anyone else I hang out with. I think you should have specified that if everyone you know is not liking your date due to something rather obvious that you are pretending doesn't exist, such as a blatant drinking problem or the fact that your date screams at strangers, then fine, listen to them, but mere personality differences is not always easy to discern. Plus you may have friends/family members who have jealousy or control issues. You ultimately need to decide for yourself about your partner since you're the one who has to live with him/her in intimacy.

    I have serious issues with #7. The comfort level of how much space is in a relationship is for both partners to decide on, and it seems as though never having any individual plans outside of your relationship is ignored as a huge red flag (which is a big one in actual abusive relationships!). In fact, this article completely ignores the fact that should too very introverted people get together, they may well love that each other can go on these trips alone so that both of them can be apart for awhile. Sounds like the article writer has some trust issues when it comes to relationships and not enough experience of being an individual or dating someone who is one. Clinginess can destroy a relationship just as easily if not more easily than an individual trip somewhere.

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  • Blacktech's Avatar
    Posted by Blacktech Thu Sep 18, 2008 10:31pm PDT

    Good article! I was in a relationship for three years when I hit #7 with my boyfriend. He applied for a job in another country, knowing I couldn't go with him. I told him that he'd broken up with me in his head, but he disagreed. It turned out he had major commitment issues, of course. So, this can happen later in a relationship rather than sooner.

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  • CogitoErgoCogitoSum's Avatar
    Posted by CogitoErgoCogitoSum Thu Sep 18, 2008 10:31pm PDT

    I disagree with number six. In all honesty, how slutty and hedonistic is society? We arent exclusive yet? Im sorry if I appear old fashioned, being a 28 year old and all, but I dont think any two people should date un-exclusively. I think you should decide that youre interested in someone before dating at all... and if commitment isnt in the forefront of the mind, you shouldnt even waste your time on them for whatever reason makes commitment impossible. Im not suggesting you propose on your first date... but there is a far cry difference from "Hi, friend, lets hang out" and "We date other people and chose to stay ignorant of each others alternative relationships"

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  • CogitoErgoCogitoSum's Avatar
    Posted by CogitoErgoCogitoSum Thu Sep 18, 2008 10:32pm PDT

    I disagree with number six. In all honesty, how slutty and hedonistic is society? We arent exclusive yet? Im sorry if I appear old fashioned, being a 28 year old and all, but I dont think any two people should date un-exclusively. I think you should decide that youre interested in someone before dating at all... and if commitment isnt in the forefront of the mind, you shouldnt even waste your time on them for whatever reason makes commitment impossible. Im not suggesting you propose on your first date... but there is a far cry difference from "Hi, friend, lets hang out" and "We date other people and chose to stay ignorant of each others alternative relationships"

    Report Abuse
  • elan4444's Avatar
    Posted by elan4444 Thu Sep 18, 2008 10:34pm PDT

    This is the best advice, especially 4, 8, and 10. If your family doesn't think the other person is right for you, LISTEN to them.

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