Love + Sex

Friday, December 4, 2009

Dating Diaries: 10 dating red flags

Getty Images

Getty Images

When determining if you should let things get serious, remember: actions speak louder than words. With that being said, here are ten dating red flags. If you see any of these, do yourself a favor and reconsider if it's worth it for you.

1. You are not on the VIP list for breaking news

Were you the last to learn about this person's job promotion or newborn niece or nephew? Once things are serious, you should be among the first to know about exciting news, or bad news.


2. They avoid meeting your family or friends

If they are shying away from meeting your friends/family consistently, then there are problems. Even if they are very shy, they should want to meet those who are important to you.


Photo creidt: Weblo

Photo creidt: Weblo

3. They don't make any sacrifices

Healthy relationships don't require bending over backwards all the time, but a certain amount of sacrifice is necessary in a selfless union. When two of my friends first started dating one another, she demanded that he go to Farm Aid for her birthday, which was also the opening NFL football Sunday. While all the guys gathered to watch the games, he was sweltering on some field attending Farm Aid -- an event he never would have gone to if she hadn't have invited him. Now that's sacrifice.

4. They can't fit in your future

I admit it. When I meet girls, I envision future moments I may some day share with them. Most of my scenarios are her with me and my family at a Thanksgiving holiday or at a summer crabfeast. If I'm really into her, I usually relish the thought. If not, I kinda cringe.

5. They are too controlling

It's scary but I've seen many relationships where guys forbid girls to hang out with certain friends, or wear certain clothes. Major problem if someone is controlling you and not allowing you to be who you want to be within a relationship.

6. The "what are we" conversation fails miserably

Almost every relationship hits that crossroads where you both decide if it's worth taking the plunge into being exclusive and calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend. If they are confused and surprised that you're ready to get serious, the timing is not right, and you should try to figure out how long you want to wait around until they are ready.

Photo credit: University of Pittsburgh

Photo credit: University of Pittsburgh

7. They talk about plans that don't involve you

My sister has major wanderlust. She's always talking about heading off to Chicago or living in London for a year. She often talks about these things with no regard for the fact that she has a boyfriend at the time. If you find that someone is making plans or talking about far off places without inviting you along for the ride, don't let yourself get too into this person.

8. Your friends or family don't like them

Remember that your friends and family know you best. Don't take their thoughts with a grain of salt. It's one thing if a person or two don't get along with your significant other, but if a lot of them are saying you should reconsider, then do it. Unfortunately, we often find out about how much our friends hated that person after this person is gone.


9. They violated your trust

Whether it's cheating or a little lie that they got caught in, it will be hard to regain trust. Trust is something we don't give away easily, and once it's gone it's hard to get it back. We'll always be wondering about that lie, and doubt will creep in more and more as our minds fixate on that lie. Too often, people take trust for granted and once they lose it they never get it back.

10. You practice "unbalanced dating"

Are you always seeing his friends or doing things that he wants to do? Do you just let him pick the restaurants and events? Or is it the other way around? Relationships are fun when you are both able to contribute. If you're not taking turns creating fun times together, it will most likely fizzle out.

What would you add to the list? Ever been a victim of any of these red flags?


Posted by Rich

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From the Community…

Comments 11-20 of 357
  • CogitoErgoCogitoSum's Avatar
    Posted by CogitoErgoCogitoSum Thu Sep 18, 2008 10:36pm PDT

    I disagree with number six. In all honesty, how slutty and hedonistic is society? We arent exclusive yet? Im sorry if I appear old fashioned, being a 28 year old and all, but I dont think any two people should date un-exclusively. I think you should decide that youre interested in someone before dating at all... and if commitment isnt in the forefront of the mind, you shouldnt even waste your time on them for whatever reason makes commitment impossible. Im not suggesting you propose on your first date... but there is a far cry difference from "Hi, friend, lets hang out" and "We date other people and chose to stay ignorant of each others alternative relationships"

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  • Luvmy7fuzzies's Avatar
    Posted by Luvmy7fuzzies Thu Sep 18, 2008 10:36pm PDT

    you forgot one very important tip...if he or she thinks they can "help you become better" ie FIX you...if they think you are broken...you might want to rethink that relationship.

    Report Abuse
  • Anju's Avatar
    Posted by Anju Thu Sep 18, 2008 10:38pm PDT

    I think a very good article for any body who is close to getting into a relationship.

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  • getalife's Avatar
    Posted by getalife Thu Sep 18, 2008 10:39pm PDT

    I am currently in a long term relationship and have and still do see these flags pop up! Not being told about things, finding out through friends comments. And the trust issue!! I am trying to regain it but as you said, everytime something happens that doesn't sound right, you think "well, he did lie to me last time!" It never goes away. Do I love him? yes, do I trust him? No! Not a good combo. I know I should have gotten out a long time ago but i always made excuses and now i can't change the past. Its unfair to bring it up but it never goes away for me. Heads up everyone. If it feels wrong, it is wrong, walk away! Good article. I wish my guy would get it!

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  • SHARON's Avatar
    Posted by SHARON Thu Sep 18, 2008 10:39pm PDT

    how many of you has had a relationship with a narcissism? It sounds like red flags and a ton of old glories flappin! Call me crazy ,but until last year i didnt even know this DISORDER exsisted. ITS NITEMARE! GOOGLE IT CHANCES ARE YOU KNOW HIM! Lets just hope you didnt marrie him,because like the theripist said: he cant help himself/ he will never change! from age 17 -58 hes not grown ,mentaly-spirituly,its like they told me i got a lemon -to bad! now what! SO DONE

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  • Luke's Avatar
    Posted by Luke Thu Sep 18, 2008 10:40pm PDT

    Eh, personally, I find the whole thing irrelevant. While it is indeed quite literally impossible to not judge a person, the truth is that people are all different. It is rather peculiar that the whole concept of serious relationships and deep commitment revolve more around fear than the actual notion of love. It seems that more is put into protecting one's own feelings and personal zone of normalcy than is put into actually engaging the person and learning about them individually. People seem to place the restriction on love that they must too be loved in return, but such is not always the case. I am not saying it is good or bad, and yes, it may be very painful, but love should be based on a person as a whole, not simply how he or she treats and relates to you. It is this rather tarnished perspective of relationships that seems to lead to much of the common unhappiness and high divorce rates. One should not look for love to make oneself happy, as the truth is that even in the most perfect love there is strain, mistrust, and sadness. Likewise, love need not always be a sacrifice and it does provide real benefit to oneself to love another and have such a relationship. The current perspective, however, seems far too self-centered and solipsistic to bear any truly lasting strength. To claim love for somebody and have no passion in your heart or anguish in your mind - no fear, no doubt, no element of despair - then you do not love that person, but simply an idea of that person.

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  • Kia - Mii's Avatar
    Posted by Kia - Mii Thu Sep 18, 2008 10:41pm PDT

    I'm a teenage Girl dating a football asian nierdy kind of dude, but I'm not all cheerleader-like, I'm a theatre queen. He seems to be nervous at taking a step ahead in our relationship, so I don't really know what to do. This article helps me some.

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  • Andy's Avatar
    Posted by Andy Thu Sep 18, 2008 10:42pm PDT

    The minute she starts trying to change you - stop seeing your friends, stop golfing, whatever. If you don't like someone for who they are, move on and leave them alone.

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  • KC's Avatar
    Posted by KC Thu Sep 18, 2008 10:42pm PDT

    Great article. I agree with most of those points. I also believe in this day and age to watch out for guys and gals who like to use chat programs.....I can guarantee it will eventually break a relationship if both parties don't agree to give it up when you are in a serious relationship

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  • Keshia's Avatar
    Posted by Keshia Thu Sep 18, 2008 10:42pm PDT

    If they do not have a true relationship with GOD...RUN!!!..because you'll be asking for more trouble than you want.

    Report Abuse
Comments 11-20 of 357

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