Dating diaries: Is it OK to go for people who have a history with your friends?

Guys have a major loyalty code when it comes to being with girls who have dated or hooked up with their friends.

Does This State Have Tons of Hot Girls?

I've had my horrible moments as a friend, like one night in college with my friend Jay. We were sitting in a diner at the end of the night when a gorgeous girl from Rhode Island (that's the only thing I remember about her) straight up sat down at our table and told Jay:

You are beautiful, you have to come home with me...now.

But I told him he couldn't leave me. Perhaps it was because I was visiting him at his campus and I didn't want to wander around alone. Who knows the reason, but he yielded to me and told her he had a visitor and couldn't leave me alone.

The next morning I woke up with morning wood (that strange phenomenon where guys wake up with erections), and I thought to myself:

Damn, it would have been nice to hook up last night.

Then it dawned on me how I had ruined Jay's amazing opportunity. I apologized to him and told him he totally could have gone off with that girl. He just shook his head and said:

I wish you could have told me that last night.

In retrospect most of our guy friends actually blame Jay for his decision to listen to me, despite my behavior that my they classified as girly. In any event, Jay showed major loyalty that night over the chance to get lucky.

Recently, I was really into this girl who lives in Hoboken, NJ. Hoboken is a short train ride to NYC, but it's still a major pain in the ass to get to for Manhattanites. Remember, though, when you're into someone you'll go out of your way. But on one occasion when I asked this girl to meet us the upcoming weekend, she said:

Bring Justin. He's really cute.

My heart sank. She was into my best friend/roommate. Everything blew up in my face.

But Justin knew I liked her. He never flinched, even though she was really cute. He would say:

That girl is horrible. I don't see what you see in her.

He never asked me to bring her out, never acted like he was into her. He never sat me down and said:

How would you feel if I hooked up with her?

And, the one time they got left behind at our apartment during a party, I got a text:

How could you leave me with her? Help!

To Justin, an opportunity with a girl that his best friend was into just wasn't an option.

Even crazier I was out with Justin one night when we ran into a girl that our other roommate/friend (he wasn't with us) had been seeing. The girl came up to me, and whispered the most frightening, body-contorting things she wanted me to do to her in my ear. In just a few moments, she had reduced me to a Catholic school girl with her desires. My fear of her porn-style wishes aside, I knew I couldn't do it because of her history with my friend. Not an option.

http://orangestripezebra.blogspot.com/2008/01/fall-from-grace.html

My younger sister's serious boyfriend in college came out of stealing him from one of her best friends. While he was dating her friend, she hooked up with him. He eventually broke up with my sister's friend and started dating my sister and it grew into a long-term relationship. There were major problems between my sister and her friend after that. Eventually they worked things out and they are friends again. My sister has since broken up with that guy.

This might be the crux of the friendship versus romantic relationship thing: your friends are the ones that will be around forever, and boyfriends/girlfriends will come and go. As soon as we get fixated on one person and believe they are the one, then we start getting into trouble: we don t care what consequences there are.

Guys tend to have a lots-of-fish-in-the-sea attitude. They also are the ones who have to do the pursuing most of the time, so there s an in-the-trenches camaraderie where they all kind of pull for on another to succeed with girls.

What is the female dynamic with compromising friendships through dating? In your friendship duties, are you more prone to keep a girl from going off with a guy than encouraging her? Have you ever considered dating a guy who has a history with a friend of yours? Do you agree that if you avoid thinking of someone as the one, it keeps you out of trouble?

Posted by Rich

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Posted by Amanda Hug N Kiss Sun Jul 13, 2008 9:56pm PDT

wow, Rich, I've read some of your posts, and I must say...YOU REALLY ARE CLUELESS ABOUT WOMEN!!! All we want is one thing. We want "ourselves" with the male parts instead. I'll be honest with you, I treat the man I'm with EXACTLY how I wish he would treat me, but let's face it; you're all men. Men don't think about the emotional aspects of things. At least, most don't.
"Many of us have exclaimed, 'What an order! I can't go through with it!'" This is an excerpt from the book of Alcoholics Anonymous. This applies to humans as well. Marrieage is not something to be taken lightly. You have to be willing to not only balance yourself, but your lives together. If you feel you are unable to offer your complete self to someone, DON'T DO IT ANYWAY! Your marriage will inevitably end up in a disaster. There is no such thing as "I woke up onne day, and just didn't love you anymore." You are either born with the ability to join with another person and grow together, or you're not. Above all, always be honest with yourself first; you will ALWAYS find that YOU are the hardest to forgive when it comes time to clean your side of the street. No one wants to be responsible for another person's complete break down.
Then again, you could save yourself from all of the sentimental crap...
and just get a dog. :)

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Posted by Amanda Hug N Kiss Sun Jul 13, 2008 9:57pm PDT

BTW, that post was based on your weekend spent in DALLAS...sorry I missed ya, come visit again soon, now, ya hear?!!!??!
:)

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Posted by mlssoccerprincess Tue Jul 22, 2008 9:59am PDT

I personally won't date a guy my friends have been with. One of my best friends however has no problems dating or talking/texting guys I tell her I'm into. It kinda bothers me, but when I mention it to her she simply blows it off with a remark of "I can't help who they like." I really should bring up the fact they don't notice her until she starts flirting with them. Anyway, I think it's cool that you won't go for a girl if your friend has been or is into her. Even though it might be over between them, it still might hurt them to see the two of you together.

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Posted by bridgetsbeads2 Tue Jul 22, 2008 10:27am PDT

I have, and never will date someone that a friend has already been with. Infact I admire men who stay loyal to their friends, but wouldn't it be nice If they could be as loyal to their wives and girlfriends.
BMV

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Posted by jessicatastrophe_70x7 Tue Jul 22, 2008 10:27am PDT

i respect that rule to an insane degree. the only time i have ever gone against it is with my current boyfriend/fiance. my best friend had liked him last year, before him and i met, and i remember her talking about him all the time. well i met him after she had gotten over it and a new boyfriend. the second i told her i thought i liked him, she went crazy. she actually ended up sabotaging him and i and starting drama with his ex while we dated. it was way too much. but i broke the rule because there was something special about him. and guess what? now we are engaged. sometimes that rule has very special exeptions.

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Posted by Thiney Tue Jul 22, 2008 10:42am PDT

Wow, story of my life. I found out last month my ex-boyfriend whom I was still hung up over wanted to be with a friend of mine. When she told me about this and the things he told her about our past relationship I was hurt. Nevertheless, I told my friend to be with him if she wants to. I'm not sure if they're together or not but I'm pretty sure they're talking on the phone and junk. Luckily she wasn't a good friend anymore because she's a backstabber but we're on good terms. I don't know, I guess it would be okay if it was like my situation, where the relationship was over. But if it's something new then it would be so wrong for a girl to go after another girl's interest.

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Posted by Jennifer Tue Jul 22, 2008 11:37am PDT

I think it honestly depends on the issue. IF one of my friends dated my ex of 9yrs I would have a problem, but on the other hand if it was a guy who i was talking with and dated a little while i wouldn't care. Now what Thiney was saying is completely wrong. If that person has the nerves to tell u there even interested knowing it bothers u they are not worth ur time either. Woman these days are grimey and if u have to ask ur friend not to date him or something like ive heard in other post NEWS FLASH THAT PERSON WAS NOT UR FRIEND IN THE FIRST PLACE. Im glad i don't have friends like that. and for the main subject not many guys will turn a girl down so for the ones who do .. Good Job. I know guys who say oh well she's single now or Fair game or he didn't care and then the friend is giving props for getting that girl too. Some people these days have no limt

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Posted by Carla Tue Jul 22, 2008 12:52pm PDT

Funny, I'm in the middle of that situation. I had been dating someone casually again for the past month and a half (who I had dated a few years back). No, the relationship wasn't going anywhere, but I liked him. I was busy with work and other issues; in that time my friend met him and fell for him. We happened to find out after they went out a couple of times in one weekend. It really, really bothers me that my friend is willing to continue seeing him, even though she knows we have a history. The guy isn't really a big loss, but to have to continue seeing them together after he was with me a couple of weeks ago, bothers me to no end.

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Posted by Rita Tue Jul 22, 2008 2:08pm PDT

Here's the deal: if your friend is dating that person, has dated that person, has had any kind of relations with this person or is planning on asking them out in the next month, it's a big NO. However, if it is a crush and despite the fact that they like them they choose to just admire from a-far it's fair game. I'm not saying you should jump the person they're into but I wouldn't say no if they came on to me and I knew my friend wasn't going to make a move. I think it's kind of immature to get upset about that. In your case it would have been very wrong for your friend to go after the girl in NJ because you actually made an effort. That's a betrayal.

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