Dating diaries: When does persistence stop paying?

They say persistence pays, but of course if we try to apply this rule to the dating world, it's turned on its head.

I have never seen a situation where being persistent in the initial stages has landed a girl. I used to go about it according to the saying: I'd let a girl know I was into her and I'd try different ways to get in touch with her.

This doesn't mean I bothered her three times a day with calls and emails. But, if I didn't hear back from her after my first attempt, I'd usually try again a week later. Since those dark ages, I've told myself that if a girl wants to get in touch with me, she will do so after my first call...and if she's going to make me play games and chase her, then she's not worth it.

Indeed, the person who is being pursued holds most of the power. The movie Swingersuses the metaphor of a wolf chasing a rabbit. But, this oversimplifies it. When a guy is chasing a girl, he does not exhibit the grace of a cat, a bird of prey, shark, or wolf. He actually looks more like a baby carnivore that barely fit walk, let alone pursue and catch prey.

http://www.boston.com/travel/gallery/zoo_babies?pg=7

Pursuing a girl is much more complex than the hunter and the hunted in the wild. It's a battle of minds, and it depends on circumstance, timing, and discipline. Unfortunately, it sounds more like war.

Which characteristic do you appreciate more when being pursued? Aggressiveness like a hunter...or someone who is more like a soldier: stoic?

http://lacroixfam.home.comcast.net/~lacroixfam/wmm/history.html

Here are some examples of persistence that I have seen fail right before my eyes:

My friend met a guy out and gave it a shot with him, and decided she wasn't attracted to him. She stopped texting and emailing him back, but he kept going for weeks afterward. Not only did he keep texting, but each text he sent proposed getting together. Each text was also saturated with comments about how great she was. This got old real quick. So, this proved to me: even persistent "good" things like comments and asking for dates can go sour.

Another friend of mine went to some awful club called "Home" you know the kind where the bouncers randomly pick out whoever they want to go in based on how many girls they are with or how much money they look like they have? It was here that my friend met "Troy". I only knew Troy through his texts. He texted my friend so much that she accused me of playing a joke on her. I wish I had the ability to play this kind of joke. Joey's big thing was ending everything with "Love"...the two had never been on a date:

"So you want to get together, love?'

Another friend of mine met a guy out randomly and he texted her the next day. A few days later, after not being texted back, he wrote:

"I guess I should have waited the prerequisite two days to get in touch with you. Why else would you not want to text back this dashingly handsome guy you met at the bar."

What confused messaging. Is complimenting yourself like that cute? I've never tried that one. This guy kept texting and asking her out until finally he waved the white flag a few weeks later:

"Ok, I get it. You know where I am if you need me."

So let me ask you: does persistence ever pay? Do you ever make a guy call back a few times even though you're interested? Do you agree with my theory that I should just reach out once with no follow up? Have you ever ended up just being worn down and ended up giving in to a guy that wouldn't stop? I sure hope not! At what point do you start feeling that a guy is being too persistent?

Posted by Rich

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Posted by I heart NYY short stops Sun Jul 27, 2008 10:16pm PDT

There are so many variables to this situation.... what the female is looking for in a man at that time, the type of relationship she is looking for and whether the female likes to be pursued.
Overall if the sparks are there- generally it is obvious- at least with me- lol- smile from ear to ear while the feeling of giddiness seems to radiate from my pours- everyone deserves that feeling!
As for persistence- the guy should clearly let the female know she is interested and let her take the reins (we like to feel in control)- :)

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Posted by moni_q7 Fri Aug 8, 2008 12:31pm PDT

Agree with I heart NYY. There's so many factors. I'd say give it another shot after the first email, txt, or whatever. If after the second there is still no response then you get the picture. If a girl likes a guy she will always eventually contact him back even if she's playing hard to get.

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Posted by jslavens69 Fri Aug 8, 2008 12:37pm PDT

What ever happened to " honesty"? Instead of ignoring the situation

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Posted by mlssoccerprincess Fri Aug 8, 2008 12:58pm PDT

I don't think persistance ever pays. If I am interested in a guy I return his calls/texts. If I'm not, I simply tell him I don't like him that way. Personally I find the persistance thing annoying. If I don't text or return your calls, leave me alone. Try one more time, you never know. She might be out of town or in a place she can't call/text back.

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Posted by kniecy32001 Fri Aug 8, 2008 1:12pm PDT

I've had a guy to persue me for months. So, I gave in, and decided to give it a try. He turned out to be a really neat person and we've gotten really close. Now that I've started to have feelings for him, he's backing away and playing hard to get. Now I feel that I should have followed my first thought and keep him at bay.

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Posted by stephaniemarie40 Fri Aug 8, 2008 1:55pm PDT

wouldn't it be nice if we could just quit playing games.

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Posted by DimSum Fri Aug 8, 2008 2:23pm PDT

Persistence definitely works. Literally every one of my bfs was someone that I was not interested in but all of them kept pursuing. I guess there is a fine art to it and that their success depended in part on the fact that I dismissed them too quickly, thinking that there was nothing there, but that after them getting in my face so often, in certain cases they grew on me. All of them turned out ot be big relationships in my life so it did pay off.
So Id say yea try to see her or get in touch with her - i guess it can work better if you can manage situations where she has to respond to you such as in face ot face or if catch her on messenger or something since if i just keep getting messages from guys its very easy for me to start to think of them as annoying and decidedly unattractive but if im forced to respond it forces me to get to know them a bit better and thats when i realize in some cases that i might have been too hasty with my first impression of him. But yea there comes a time you might want to just give it up.

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Posted by Amazed by you. Fri Aug 8, 2008 7:11pm PDT

Clingy, needy is a relationship killer, especially if you've only been on one or two dates. Guys, call, leave a message, and the girl will call back within 2 days, if not she's not very interested. If so, that doesn't mean she want a relationship either. She may just want to be friends. Can't guys ever just be friends with a girl, instead always thinking and trying new ways to get into her pants. God, I'm so sick of u guys playing HS games. I've only met 2 guys in my life who truly are my finds. gEt reAl guys!!!

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Posted by Carrie H Fri Aug 8, 2008 11:36pm PDT

There is a guy at church that I like and we have been making eyes at each other for a long time. We finally met and had the most intense eye to eye conversation that I've ever had in my life!! (I'm 42)It was so awesome! A few weeks later, he asked me to go to a pub with him and some of the church people to hear a band. We had a FANTASTIC time there! Since then, he hasn't asked me out, but we email and talk on the phone and he always makes it a point to come up and talk to me after church. This has gone on for months. I don't get it. It seems we are both persistant in keeping the communication going, but we're not going out. I really like him, and hope something is there, but at the same time, I want to give up on the idea of anything ever developing here. I'm a firm believer in 'what's meant to be will be', so if he misses out, oh well!! :)Does persistance pay off? Only time can tell! If you know what you want, go after it! You won't know unless you try!! Just keep your heart and mind open to the idea that it may go the way you want it to, and it may not. Don't let it hurt you just because you tried!

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