Dear Em & Lo,
I have this really awesome, sensitive, caring, sweet, good-in-bed, blah blah blah boyfriend -- I wouldn't leave him for the world. I also have wild fantasies about being tied up, demeaned, beaten . . . you get the idea. Is this a problem? Maybe fantasies are not supposed to ever come to life? I have asked him to entertain them, just mildly, but his respect for women and his need for soul-defining sex makes bondage and S&M a no-go. Is there something wrong with me? Should I see a therapist or something?
-- Gimpy
Dear Gimpy,
There are basically two camps of thought on this: A) Your fantasy life reflects past experiences, obsessions, and/or deep-seated issues -- if the fantasies tend toward the dark, disturbing, and/or chronic, that can indicate personal problems which should be dealt with. And B) Fantasies are an outlet for your imagination and sexual tension that don't automatically reflect past trauma or things you want to do in real life. We tend to side with Camp...
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A few years back, we were on a panel discussion at the Institute of Contemporary Art in London with Brett Kahr, a Freudian psychoanalyst and author of Who's Been Sleeping in Your Head, one of the largest studies of fantasies in the world. He argued that certain unseemly fantasies should be considered red flags for possible mental issues, while we argued that what gets you off in the privacy of your own head (as long as it doesn't prevent you from being an upstanding citizen) is your own business and shouldn't be subjected to the laws of government, of political correctness, or even of physics.
Who's Been Sleeping in Your Head is undeniably a fascinating read, but it's not what we would call scientifically sound. Remember, these days you're more likely to find Freudian analysis in literature (i.e. fiction) classes than you will in science-based psychology courses at any respectable college. In general, the scientific community considers analyses of fantasies simply subjective interpretation without hard evidence. That's why there's so little research on the topic out there -- the ethereal and individual nature of fantasies make them too hard to pin down and dissect.
That's not to say that with a little soul-searching or a therapist you might be able to figure out why your fantasies tend toward the kinky. Maybe you were pushed around on the playground by the school bully whom you secretly had a crush on. Socrates did say the unexamined life is not worth living.
But then again, once Sophocles' Oedipus examined his own life he poked his eyes out. We're not suggesting that you shouldn't deal with past trauma (like accidentally sleeping with your parent), but sometimes worrying and overthinking things becomes counterproductive. Everyone has their own preferences: some people like blondes, others like brunettes; some people like slow, face-holding "love making," others like rough sex; some people like oral, some don't; some people like candlelight and lingerie, others like candle wax and nipple clamps. It doesn't really matter why we have these preferences, so long as everyone is having a good time in bed. In fact, going against your nature because it doesn't quite fit into the narrow mainstream idea of "normal" sex is what could be unhealthy.
BDSM enthusiasts very passionately and very convincingly defend their "safe, sane and consensual" lifestyle. (Pick up any book on the topic.) And while they may be a little earnest at times, even a little dorky or creepy, there's no denying that they have interesting, varied, dramatic, intense sex lives -- which is a lot more than most people can claim. Sure, the more extreme people get in living out their fantasies (e.g. actually eating their dominatrix's poop out of a dog bowl in a human-sized cage), the harder it is not to judge and question their mental stability. But your ravishment fantasies are so common (some might say even cliche) among women, both inside and outside the BDSM community, that we could understand someone writing in asking us if there's something wrong with her because she's never had one of these fantasies.
So, no, there's nothing wrong with you. It's just that you and your boyfriend may not be that compatible sexually. He's got his preferences, you've got yours. We love that he respects women and finds meaning in sex, but that shouldn't negate a little consensual kinky play, especially with someone he loves and trusts who's asking for it nicely. Explain that you've got these slightly dirty desires that you want to share with him, especially because you love and trust him. Tell him that pretending to overpower you sexually with some nice fuzzy velcro cuffs and a little hair pulling doesn't make either of you bad feminists -- just creative playmates! Start slowly, i.e. don't whip out the gimp mask just yet. (In fact, save the more hardcore fantasies for your alone time.) And present it as healthy compromise -- he gets Tantric soul melding on Fridays, you get romance-novel bodice ripping on Saturdays.
For more on this topic, see our advice column on ravishment fantasies (what are commonly referred to -- including, previously, by us -- as rape fantasies).
Cracking the whip,
Em & Lo
