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Want the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? These are the sex questions I hear most ‑- and the no-nonsense answers you deserve.
Why do I climb the walls for sex when I'm single and then lack sexual desire when I'm in a relationship?
Because we're human and fickle, always wanting what we can't have. It's also because we gorge ourselves on sex in the early relationship stages and tend to follow it with a sexual starvation regime. In the beginning, after a period of abstinence and raw lust, anything feels good. So we enthusiastically shag away without too much thought to what we're doing. Then just as the novelty wears off, real life ‑- sulky friends and bosses who've been all but ignored ‑- kicks back in and sex takes a back seat.
What happens after that is crucial. Sex early in a relationship
is fueled by passion, a brilliant smokescreen for bad sexual
technique or a selfish attitude. Long-term sex, on the other hand,
is fueled by skill,
imagination and effort . Once the newness wears off, your
libidos plummet and you have to work at turning yourselves and each
other on, because desire is no longer automatic. Taking a
head-in-the-sand approach virtually guarantees you'll both be
bored senseless within a year. While it's not possible to have
great sex all the time (even couples who rate their sex life as fantastic admit only two to three
sessions out of every ten are shred-the-sheets stuff), it is
possible to have satisfying sex most of the time. If you're not
satisfied after truly putting in the effort, chances are you're
picking men that don't suit you. While it's extremely
sensible to choose a long-term partner for nonsexual reasons
(he's faithful), staying with a guy you simply don't fancy
isn't sensible. (You won't be
faithful).
Why can't I have an orgasm?
Have you ever masturbated or tried using a vibrator ? The reason I ask is because for men having an orgasm is join-the-dots easy, while for women orgasms are very complicated. Our sexual systems are complex and we're fussy little buggers as well; we often demand rosy emotional circumstances along with the perfect technique before we can climax.
This is why you need to do it yourself initially. Assuming your partner will teach you to orgasm is about as hopeful as standing outside Universal Studios in a sexy little black number waiting for George Clooney to walk out and notice you. It's just not going to happen. Around 93 percent of women have their first orgasm via masturbation. Masturbating with your fingers or by rubbing against something should do the trick , but if you're inexperienced, reach for a vibrator first. Choose one with strong vibration and simply press it firmly against your clitoral area. Experiment with varying pressures, and keep going even if you think you're about to pee (orgasms can feel a little like that). Most will climax with this technique. (If you don't, there might be physical reasons; see your doctor and ask for a referral to a gynecologist or sex therapist.)
Once you've had one orgasm, you know what you're aiming for and it's relatively easy from then on. The next step is to teach yourself how to do it with your fingers (if you haven't already), then show him using his fingers or tongue. Note I didn't say penis. Because of a design fault ‑- the clitoris is outside the vagina, and nearly all orgasms are clitoral based ‑- thrusting alone won't get you anywhere. Manual stimulation is also necessary for you to orgasm during intercourse.
Am I a prude for not wanting to do kinky things?
Everyone's definition of "prude" and "kinky" are different. The strange old lady down the street, who twitches the curtains when you walk past in a mini-skirt, may consider kissing in public disgustingly kinky. The 20-year-old in 4B might think having a threesome is commonplace. What's kinky to one person is normal to another ‑- and that's the most important thing to grasp here.
It doesn't mean your partner's strange for suggesting something you find outrageous; it just means his attitude toward sex is different from yours. Quite frankly most of us are lazy sexually, and it doesn't hurt to push our sexual boundaries a little. So I suggest at least considering any reasonable request. How to decide what's reasonable? Look up the activity in a reputable sex manual. Is it something most couples appear to indulge in now and then or are there numerous warnings attached? (For example, bondage and discipline can leave physical marks, and group sex can cause emotional scarring.) If it rates okay, but just isn't necessarily your taste, try it once. You never know, you might like it. But even if you really don't want to try something, try to still capture the spirit of the request: If he wants to try anal sex and you don't, suggest that he fantasizes while you're having intercourse from behind.
Is it wrong to sleep with someone on the first night if you want more than a one-night stand?
It's not wrong, but it is risky. If you want to up your odds of having a healthy relationship that goes the distance, do the opposite: Try to put off having full, penetrative sex for as long as possible. And don't delay sex because "good girls don't have sex so soon" or because he might judge you if you have sex right away (even though he may). Wait simply because you're creating the best possible circumstances for the two of you to bond physically and emotionally.
Once you sleep with someone, there's no easy excuse for not sleeping together again. You're instantly (and literally) intimately bonded and effectively robbed of all logic and objectivity. "Lust blindness" causes us to get so involved with our partner's body that we forget to look closely at the person inside it. The longer you avoid doing it, the more time you'll spend out of the bedroom talking and finding out if that person is right for you. Besides, waiting teaches you both the merits of sexual anticipation and taking baby steps ‑- kissing first, then touching, then oral sex ‑. It teaches you that "sex" doesn't have to be defined as intercourse. In The Story of O, the heroine was taught to only let men make love to one part of her body at a time ‑- so he'd truly learn how to pleasure each.
How important is it to feel chemistry for your partner?
If you want a passionate, intense relationship 
It's perfectly possible to click with
someone and have a lovely time together without ever feeling
"chemistry" with that person. And controlled
"sensible" relationships
What about you? Do you have any fail-proof methods for
solving boggling sex questions? Chime in here!
Related Links:
10 All-Time Best Bedroom Tricks
Frequently Asked Questions About Fantasy
How to Help Him Be Your Best Sex Ever
