Do You Ever Talk Dirty In Bed?

As you know, I'm pretty conservative in bed. When I jokingly tell my friend Margaret(a proper Southern girl) that she's "so missionary," I'm the pot calling thekettle black. Recently, a friendtold me a story that reminded me why I avoid dirty talk.

My friend met a guy on Match.com and their third date was alovely day at a museum. Just likeany person who was on the fence about a guy, my friend was anticipating theirfirst kiss as an indicator for whether there was any spark. For this third date, they spent alovely day at a museum, and then headed back to his apartment.

They sat on the couch, but my friend was a little nervousbecause the guy's roommate was in his bedroom. As soon as they sat down, he attacked and started kissingher. He wasover-aggressive andslobbery and also was moaning heavily the entire time.

My friend told him she was uncomfortable because they wereacross from his roommate's room, in an attempt to get out of it. But it made matters worse-- he took herinto his bedroom. They continuedmaking out and he was moaning intensely while my friend just lied there.

He kept trying to get her clothes off while she fought back"no, no, no." Keep in mind thiswas their first kiss, and she was starting to feel insulted that he thought shewas this easy.

Then, it happened: the dirty talk. Hewhispered in her ear: "I wannalick your vagina." My friendgasped incredulously. While he was conjuring up poetic things to say, she was trying to figure out how to leave. Then, the guy provedthat he could trump that tragic last sentence he had whispered.

Based on the fact that he was not yet "licking her vagina",he decided to rephrase his question using slang instead of the anatomicallycorrect verbiage he had tried before. He also chose a new verb:

"I want to taste your roast beef slices."

Still no luck for our hero. My friend said: "oh no," while laughing, then made up anexcuse to get out of his apartment. She emailed him the next day and said it wasn't going to work out, buttold me she should have said: "when you start referring to a woman's anatomy asdeli meats, that's a problem!"

I'm struggling to understand why this guy thought his verbalapproach was going to work. Phrases like "roast beef slices" are saidamongst my guy friends on long car rides so that we can all laughstupidly. Under no circumstances,should this be dredged up in conversation with girls, and definitely not inbed.

Even though I know not to say something like "roast beefslices", I still consider dirty talk in bed a risky endeavor. I have a few reasons why I refrain fromdirty talk:

1. If it ain't broke, don't fix it Once I've made it into bedwith a girl, no way I'm going to let my stupid mouth wreck things up.In face, we've most likely made it tothis point in spite of my mouth.There are so many incorrect things I could say from weak, to gross, tojust downright bizarre.Last thingI need is to give this girl some material for a girl's night conversation.

2. Who are you kidding, Rich, you wouldn't even know what tosay anyway Let's say I was confident enough to say something.What would the content be?One time I almost blurted out: "oh mygod, you're so hot," in a moment of passion. That is so lame. Every clich 'dirty phrase can be disproved:

• "you've been a bad girl"...pediphillic
• "do you like that?"...only insecure people seek constantaffirmation
• "I wanna X, Y, Z..."...how about justdoing it?Actually doing it will be tentimes hotter for the other person than just hearing it
• "I've been thinking about this allday,"...really? Has your day been that boring and unproductive?

3. The Name Game I'm getting old.At work, I'll address a co-worker I've been working with foryears: "Hey...what's your name...what's your name...JENN!" In amongst my jumbledthoughts during sex, there's a good chance that the wrong name could comeout.Then we have a whole otherset of problems.

Perhaps I'm missing the point. Do you enjoy dirty talk in bed? Do you have any horror stories because of dirty talk? What is your take on dirty talk? Good (dirty) fun? Or does it depend on the relationship?

Posted by Rich


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