after an insane yr, im still here...the big question is why am i
here? is it than im afraid to go? it doesnt feel that way. is it
that i have no where to go? maybe, its a big possibilty...
i am taking classes at the local college and im soon going to
graduate. i feel i fought so hard for my degree, that it isnt fair
to leave specially being this close to the finish line...but my
life with my husband is definetely over...i dont trust him, he
doesnt seem to care, even though he insists he does but theres no
proof. he still disappears or stays up all night...last night i
found him using his phone at 3 am...unless something has happened i
dont see why u are going to be using the phone that late.
last yr he ended up in rehab for abusing prescription pills because
he had a back condition. after he got out, he had surgery and he is
suppose to be doing some exercises which i dont think he is doing
them. he stay, after surgery, with my parents for a month then he
came back and we had a horribleee fight, were he destroyed a door
inside our house, he tored it down. i had to call the cops, and
this isnt the first time either...he ran!!! his parents angry at me
(again) because i call the cops, it is soooo wrong of me to do
so....oh well!! i bet if it was their daughter then its ok, and how
horrible the ex husband was since she had to call the cops. but
since its me, oh my, im a MONSTER!!!
i really feel this is over!!! if i had an spare room, i would ask
him to use it...he is barely here anyways!!! i identify with the
movie revolutionary rd, my sister thinks that girl was crazy, i
think i feel just like her. trap in a fake marriage, trap in a
city, in a house, in this life...this cant be it for me!!! i refuse
to be it!!!
maybe i misunderstood the movie, maybe i should see it again, but
thats how i feel anyways, movie or not, i feel trap!!! i dont want
to be trap...when im away with my kids or here with my kids, i love
it. we have so much fun!! and he is never around. even my kids are
use to it, it seems...my daugther no longer feels sad or her grades
go down because he isnt here....she would ask where is daddy, i
would say, dont know, and she would answer ok and either go do
something or say lets watch a show or play a game, or read or go to
the park...we're always doing something together anyways...
im afraid im so involved with school and my kids im forgetting me...am i supposed to try and fix things with my husband? is this the right thing to do? or simply who cares whats right but whats really for me???
at the moment i dont really know what i want anymore...i lost the feeling it seems, i lost myself in the mess....i need to find myself again...i need to know what to do...
thanks for listening and for your thoughts...i needed to express myself ...and to hear what others that arent my friends and family think...
