Finding your sole mate

By Keysha Whitaker

You are your sole mate.  If you didn’t know this, you’ll quickly figure it out after reading Lauren Mackler’s book, Solemate, Master the Art of Aloneness and Transform Your Life.   Solemate is a journey that begins with deconstructing negative ideas of aloneness (many people still think alone means unhappy and unloved) and ends with mastering aloneness, which Mackler says “is about changing your habitual patterns of behavior”.  Along the way, if you’re committed, you’ll discover your authentic self, a self that does not expect a mate to complete them. 

Mackler’s writing style is clear and quick.  Solemate, written for men and women, is one-part memoir, one-part clinical study, one-part self-help.  Mackler, a coach and psychotherapist, opens with the beginning - and end - of her “storybook marriage” to a successful German physician:   “It was only years later, through my personal development work, that I recognized the underlying problem: we had come together for all the wrong reasons.  We had been drawn to each other because of voids within ourselves . . . He represented safety and security . . . To him, I possessed a passion and spontaneity he had never known.  In his eyes, I was exotic and exciting.  In short, we were attracted to our own projections of each other – not to each other’s true selves.”

Mackler proposes that each of us, through social conditioning in childhood, is not living our authentic self.  She writes “As a young woman, I’d been fearless and independent. I had grand dreams of becoming a famous singer and actress. But, instead, I ended up doing exactly what my own mother had done.  She, too, had given up her career to marry and raise a family.  I see now that I was unconsciously following in her footsteps.”  At SingleWomenRule.com, we say that women should “revel in life’s magic and feel truly fulfilled, whether the knight-in-shining (or newly refurbished) armor ever arrives”.  Mackler echoes this sentiment, “If you make finding a soul mate the main focus of your life – and many people do – then if he or she fails to show up, you may spend many days or months or years waiting for a happy and fulfilling life instead of living it.” 

The book, divided into two parts, Uncovering Your Authentic Self, and Liberating Your Authentic Self, contains good exercises (that I usually skip in any book), personal advice and clinical research.  In her chapter, Managing Fear So It Doesn’t Manage You, she references the work of Reichian therapist Stephen

Wolinsky on trance states: “we disconnect from our current reality and allow the emotions from our old reality – from our childhood or earlier life – to take over . . . Trances explain why many of us react or behave in ways that seem out of our control, without understanding why.”  Mackler shares a story from her practice: an adult woman experienced uncontrollable feelings of anxiety and embarrassment after introducing herself to a family sitting in the pew in front of her at “an unfamiliar church where her son was singing with the choir as part of a school related event.”   Mackler explains “somehow, the combination of events had taken her back to her early years in church, which from her perspective, had not been about worshipping, but all about appearances: how you dressed, how you looked, how you behaved. Her core limiting belief: If I don’t behave appropriately, I’ll be rejected and humiliated.”

One time, I attended a self-help conference and the guru had us draw pictures of our goals.  His staff passed out colored pencils to share.  I needed a red pencil and turned around to ask a portly middle-aged man if I could borrow his.  “No! I’m using it,” he said sharply.  Immediately, intense feelings of hurt, guilt, and rejection overwhelmed me, leading to a crying fit in the bathroom . . . and in the next group session.  The same thing happened while joking with a guy I was dating; he said something in the same tone, I can’t remember what, but I do remember sneakily slinking off to the bathroom to fight back tears.  Mackler says “Trance states can be invoked by all kinds of situations and events.”  After reading this section, I realized these were trance states, and at some point in my childhood, I had a verbal interaction with someone who spoke harshly (as I perceived it) and left me feeling like a terd.  Mackler does have an exercise on trance states.  I probably should do it.

Solemate helps you realize that you are in control, and is a step-by-step guide to reconstructing your understanding of alone, identifying and creating the life you want, and finding your authentic self.  “Liberating the authentic self is the key to personal transformation and to creating a fuller, richer, and more joyful life. It’s only when you’re connected to, expressing, and meeting the needs of your true self that you’re able to realize your greatest potential,” Mackler writes. “You’re no longer expending energy on finding someone else to make you happy. Instead, your energy goes toward creating the life you want, and to enjoying that life. By living authentically, you’re building a sense of self-worth from the inside out. You’ll be taking responsibility for your own life, building your own financial security, creating the life experiences you seek, and creating a sense of love and fulfillment from within. Then, if and when you do meet someone with whom to share a partnership or marriage, the relationship will be the icing on the cake instead of the source of your self-esteem, your happiness, or your life sustenance.”

For more information on Lauren Mackler, visit www.laurenmackler.com .