Can couples therapy work if 50% of the couple is MIA?
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Dr. Wendy Walsh: Marriage is hard
work. Problems can arise in so many personal "overlap"
areas -- from
sex and money to child rearing and communication. And during the long
haul, in terms of happiness rates, there will be many peaks and
valleys. When you find yourself in a valley, couples therapy
can be a great way to tune up the machine of love and get your
marriage back on track. But there are plenty of husbands who
wouldn't step foot in a therapist's office, even if they were the one being paid to be
there. So, what's a wife to do? Can couples therapy work if 50%
of the couple is MIA?
The answer is a resounding YES. Here's why. A marriage is a
system. A family is a larger system where the marriage is a vital
gear. If any part of that system changes, the entire system
changes. The classic example is the alcoholic
family member who refuses to get help. Unknowingly, the other
family members' behavior supports and enables the
alcoholic's behavior. But if even one member goes to Al-Anon
and/or private therapy, they can learn techniques that can help them stop enabling
the problem drinker, and the entire family will be affected. It
might not be comfortable change. But it will be change.
Another thing that personal therapy can do is help you reframe the
problems in your marriage, and assess your place in it. This can
change your reactions to your husband's behavior and thus,
change the
marriage. Here's an example: a wife complains that
her husband is a terrible communicator. He comes home from work, gives a few grunts during dinner,
and heads to the TV immediately afterward. She nags and nags him in
an attempt to get him out of his shell and interacting with her.
Eventually she gives him ultimatums. But nothing works.
In personal therapy, she learns that she feels lonely in her marriage. She
feels unseen and unheard. The therapist helps her link these
feelings to early childhood events that may have been the root of
her sadness. Then she asks her to foster the relationships in her
life that do help her feel good, perhaps her women friends or
family members. As the wife spends more time relying on friends and
her feelings of neediness are assuaged, the husband can now safely
lower his defenses and come out of his shell a bit. But it's
important to remember, this won't work if the goal is to get
another person to behave in a new way. If she is trying to
manipulate him by going out with her girlfriends more, she
won't really have changed inside. She's still a lonely
woman, now nagging him with her behavior. But if she actually grows
in self-esteem, realizes that she is lovable and can reach out for
acceptance from those who will respond in a positive way, her mood
will affect the family.
All therapy is a route to personal growth and higher-level
thinking. It can take us out of unconscious reactions and help us
understand our behaviors as being connected to our thoughts and
feelings. My favorite saying is, "Therapy doesn't make you
happy. It makes you real." Authentic feelings, when expressed
in a non-confrontational way, can create a path toward intimacy in
your marriage. Therapy can also help us learn to have empathy and
accept others. So many things that we interpret as deliberate
attempts to hurt us are actually someone else's protection
reflex. In other words, he's not hurting you, he's
protecting himself from you. Having empathy for his tender psyche
can help bring you back to the place of loving respect that started
it all.
And marriage is worth it. It is through the friction created in
love relationships that we grow as individuals. Every crisis in a
marriage is an opportunity to grow closer through understanding
ourselves and the feelings of our partner. Conflict is part of the
game. A relationship without conflict is one without emotional
intimacy. Relationships should not be judged by the amount of
conflict, but by the ability to repair after conflict. And, having
a helpful guide in the form of a therapist can help you through
that repair process.
Read more: MomLogic.com -- Going to Couples Therapy ... Alone
