have i been alone too long?

From the Community…

• 
  Posted by Trixxi Thu Nov 19, 2009 2:25am PST

  I think that he's trying to make excuses. But you're set in your ways since you've been on your own for some time (not alone cuz you've had friends). Don't compromise your own happiness to make him happy cuz once you change to suit him, he'll start acting like a jerk cuz he'll think he's got you like that! Believe me, I will never change myself to make someone else happy. They either have to love me the way I am or leave me alone. I changed once so much so that I forgot who I used to be! Please don't do that to yourself! You can always find another man ... like you said they come & go. I've been single now for 2.5 years & love it. No drama, no restrictions and no one telling me what to do AND no one to "check in" with. Think about it, but I say don't compromise yourself for someone else!

  Report Abuse
• 
  Posted by Trixxi Thu Nov 19, 2009 2:42am PST

  One more thought ... from what you say he is REALLY insecure. Unannounced visits and asking you to NOT answer your phone when you're together?? Which, btw, you say is most of the time. If he acts this way now, he'll only get worse and before you know it, he'll be accussing you of cheating when you're not or worse! I don't know you, but you don't need it.

  Report Abuse
• 
  Posted by Baby - J Thu Nov 19, 2009 3:29am PST

  I'm sorry trixxi but your totally wrong and maybe thats why your've been single for so long... Ms.luddick It's just that your not use to being in an actual relationship thats why your having all these mixed feelings. First and foremost you should sit down and talk about whats bothering you and how you feel... Relationships are all about communication and compromise... compromising isnt changing you who are at all... its the two of you sitting down and discussing what is bothering both of you and finding the middle ground that both will make you happy and comfortable... as for the male friends I would feel uncomfortable as well if I were trying to spend some quality time with my significant other and there phone is constantly going off and its someone you once messed around with or something like that... its sort of disrespectful if your in a exclusive relationship... its understandable that you may want to remain friends with them for now because the relationship has just started and your in the honeymoon stages so your not sure what the other is about but you need to be more considerate of his feeling and he must do the same... you need to also talk to your friends and make them understand that you are dating someone right now and its not right for them to call ALL the time... him talking about the future is not a bad thing ...actually its a good sign he is showing you that he really feels for you enough to make plans with you for your future or at least talk about it... as for the coming over unannounced just talk to him... if you sit down and talk not vent but talk aboutyour differences you'll see things will start to look up... explain to him this is all new to you and you still are trying to get use of things and he worries you when he comes unannouced or that you feel that its your alone time to think about things and he is sort of invading it... dont hurt his feelings or put him down in the process though you dont want to give him the wrong impression either... good luck

  Report Abuse
• 
  Posted by TJ S Thu Nov 19, 2009 6:14am PST

  Compromise is not lowering your standards. I'm so sick of hearing women say that. Compromise is considering someone else and what they need from you as well as them having consideration for you and what you need. A relationship isn't Burger King "have it your way" so Baby is on point. If I were in a relationship with a girl and she's getting calls from guys at all hours when I'm with her, I'd have a problem too. The point of the relationship is so that the two of YOU are together. The problem with that is YOU need to make boundaries for these guys. If they're truly your friends as you say, they will respect him, you and your relationship. It sounds like there was a little more than friendship but that's on you and not for me to judge. And everything in life isn't always about fun. You'll find that out sooner or later but I think it's time to grow up if you plan to have a serious relationship. And the whole thing about staying at his house and what he said is normal. Most people spend too much time together at the beginning and need some space. Don't worry about that so much because I've had girls I was in love with and I spent a lot of time with them and we both knew it was too much but had a hard peeling away from each other. You start to lose yourself after being together all the time so that's not a bad thing to have more time to yourself. He isn't pushing you away. Sounds like it could be a good relationship if you both just communicate, not argue or think "me, me, me" all the time. Good luck

  Report Abuse
• 
  Posted by Ericka Thu Nov 19, 2009 9:06am PST

  Hmmm...I think I "kind of" know what you're talking about.

  It's good to spend some time figuring yourself out, but if the guy's nice, I think you should give it a chance. Not having had the most stellar luck in the past and living alone, even while in a 7 year relationship, for the last 10 years, I did develop some commitment-phobic tendencies. Now I am faced with the possibility of living with someone and more serious commitment and I'm having a bunch of "what if" thoughts - but I also realize my boyfriend is not my ex and is a good person and is really good to me and cares a lot. He does all kinds of sweet things :) It is definitely worth it and I realize it's silly and groundless to be scared because he is so good to me.

  Sometimes you have to make choices to move forward in a relationship or how will you ever know. I think mainly it's that he may have backed off and needed his space and that scared you? He has realized he likes you in his life and misses you? I would continue to see where it goes and not stress too much about it. That kind of stuff is pretty normal and "textbook" as far as dating and relationships go.

  The other guys calling should be curtailed in favor of your relationship. I settled old things early on, but I still don't leave my phone on when I am with my boyfriend unless there's an emergency actively going on, like my stepmom passing away and my dad needing support - then I left it on. If it's important and they are a friend, they will leave a message and understand you need to INVEST time with your new guy - yes, I say INVEST, because in a really good relationship, the payoffs are definitely worth it and it could end up better than you ever hoped for if you put in your share of the effort, too :)

  Hope that makes sense, since I still haven't filled my coffee drinking quota for the day :)

  Good luck :)

  Report Abuse
• 
  Posted by Ericka Thu Nov 19, 2009 9:36am PST

  By the way, my boyfriend asked if he could come over "now" - I was studying til my brains fell out, so I said, "NOW-now?" Turns out he was bringing me a huge bunch of FLOWERS :D

  Another time he dropped by just like that to give me a hug when he needed one :)

  Another time he dropped by just like that to give me a hug when I needed one :)

  So girl, soak up all that sunshine! ENJOY someone being so nice and wanting to be around you :)

  Report Abuse
• 
  Posted by Climbing Thu Nov 19, 2009 5:21pm PST

  It just seems to me that you value your indipence and freedom and you need your space. That is great and I am all about that myself because it fits my personality.

  I totally understand that you don't appreciate him dropping off unnoticed. He does like something about you otherwise wouldn't talk about future or ask you to quit smoking. Normal is good as long as is not controlling. He seems to like meaningful life that's why he's sensitive to fights. How can you show affection to someone that you've been fighting/yelling. That's a good trait in a man. Doesn't see the woman as an object for their biological needs. Communication seems to be important to him. That's what bonds people.

  Do you see yourself in the future being a mother if yes then you do need to slowly cut the "fun" friends out of your life.

  Sometimes they are the ones that hold us back from making good changes in our life. Fun most of the time comes with a price.

  Learning to be in a relationship again is like a rate of passage.

  Enjoy

  Report Abuse
• 
  Posted by Trixxi Thu Nov 19, 2009 6:05pm PST

  Lemme clear things up for you "baby J". I chose to be single!!! I have plenty of work, friends and family to keep me busy til the right guy comes around. I DO NOT need a man in my life to feel fulfilled and I had a few prospects in that 2.5 years, but it's not the right time for me now, so I remain single. When I think I'm in a place where I can "fit" a man into my life, I will. So DO NOT pass judgement on me and say that I'm wrong and thats why I've been single for so long. GOT IT?? GOOD ...

  Report Abuse
• 
  Posted by Highly favored! Tue Nov 24, 2009 1:51pm PST

  What do you mean " the men you USED to date"? The key word here is USED to. This man sounds like someone with some really good qualities. 1. He was honest about the other women. 2. He does not like to argue. 3. He palns the future with you in mind. You need decided what it is that you want to do. Then move on. Don't hold him up cause you still want to play! From what I read, you just want to have fun and so do the other guys!

  Report Abuse