I often read stories about men being abusive toward their women.
Society is ready to tear these men apart, and women are advised
to leave their abusive husbands immediately. "You
shouldn't stay with a man that is so abusive and hateful! Leave
him!" people say.
I know, men are physically
stronger than women, and that's why they are the ones who
should be extra careful not to hurt their partners. But, if he did
hurt you, does it mean he is hateful of you?
When I was younger I used to hit my husband all the time. Well, not
ALL the time, but sometimes while having a major argument. For
whatever reason, I would come up short of words and felt there was
nothing more I could do but hit him as hard as I could. Thankfully,
he never chose to hit me back – his upbringing simply didn't
imply the possibility of hitting a woman. Besides that, my
husband’s ability for
self-control was far better developed than mine.
It wasn’t until I hurt him really bad one time that I realized I
had self-control issues. Because even though I hit him, of course I
didn’t hate
him. And I am sure many men who hit their wives are far from hating
them!
Being an abuser is not about love or hate for the one being abused.
It is only about control. These men and women tend to have been
abused themselves or have witnessed spousal abuse as
children. They start out with an unhealthy view of
relationships and a huge hit to their self esteem. This is what
they know. Being abusive gives them a sense of control with regard
to overwhelming feelings of fear and insecurity. The fear of losing
their partner is what usually drives this.
Now to the issue of control. All of us feel the need to control
some aspects of our lives because our nature and our operating
program leads us to do whatever it takes to avoid pain and seek
pleasure. The anger and need to control that is part of the
abuser's operating system is his or her way of avoiding
pain...the pain of loss in situations of abuse.
Now, would I want my husband to leave me straight after I hit him
for the first time? No way. In fact, my whole life would have been
destroyed if he hadn’t forgiven me for that. And I am sure it would
be the same towards men in similar situations. Being aggressive and
abusive is very painful in itself, and any person that suffers from
it deserves treatment… along with a second chance.
