I have a friend. I love her. She's one of my two BEST friends.
We've been through some seriously huge adventures, good
and bad, for the last 10 years. Yet we make each other crazy. And
the biggest 'issue' that causes that seems to boil down to
boundaries.
She subscribes to the school of thought that the only
'real' relationship is a boundary-less one. I mean, balls
out, pee-with-the-bathroom-door-open, NO BOUNDARIES. She
thinks boundaries are unhealthy.
I strongly disagree. I am a much more private person. I
think one should share their deepest self with those close to them
because they want to and choose to- not because
it's expected or demanded.
I think the boundaries become less and less as people start to feel
SAFE with each
other.
It's not something you automatically get in a
relationship, and can't be assumed before it's earned.
And even then, no one has a right to cross your boundaries
uninvited. I think boundaries are healthy.
So does my other best friend (who coincidentally is a
man). I have far less in the way of boundaries with him because he
doesn't push the issue. And in 20 years, although we have hurt
each other in many ways, he has never, not once, made me feel
judged. I feel emotionally SAFE.
Move to scenario 2- I am seeing a new man, fairly recently, with
whom I feel very little need for boundaries. Again, he makes me
feel SAFE. Is it the fact that we're nerdy in a lot of the same
ways? I don't know. It may be that, it may be that he's
new, so his respect for my personal space is stronger.. But I have
a sneaking suspicion that men 'do boundaries' better than
women.
What are your thoughts?
Does a 'real' relationship have boundaries or does the
other person have a 'right' to your deepest insides just
because you are lovers or best friends?
Are men better at boundaries than women?
Where is the line?
Healthy Boundaries: Where is the line?
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Comments 1-3 of 3
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Posted by Tue Jul 21, 2009 3:17pm PDT
Report AbuseHi 88Gypsy,
Melissa here.
Can offer you some perspective from "a bit further down that road".
I have friend(of 42 years now)from high school.
I love her uncoditionally.
She is one of my 3 BEST friends.
We have been through marriages, divorces, children lost,and more.
We used to make each other crazy over boundaries.
I had none with her,she was the more private.
Because we no longer live close enough to see each other for more than a week or so, the boundary issue takes a back seat to time constraints.
She still reminds me how trampy(word from our time)I am.
And I still correct her grammar.
My 2'nd best freind is my ex-husband. He had no boundaries, I did, too many.
He has never judged me, even though I left him for another woman.
I will love him forever because he was THE man in my life.
My third best friend is Priscilla.
We are one to the point of scary.
There no boudaries between us.
Whether it's because we are reflections of the other, or we just do'nt have time for it is a toss up.
Probably not much help, but your boudaries are different with different people for different reasons.
I imagine it is like that for most of us.
On the lighter side, I think all relationships are "real".
Some are a real pain in the bottom, and some of them are still a Hoot!(another word from "then".
Luck to you!
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Posted by Tue Jul 21, 2009 3:37pm PDT
Report AbuseI am more private than my hubby, but not nearly what i used to be. But i do think it come's with being around one another for so many year's After 20 plus year's there really is not too much to hold back from one another. Also how comfortable you are with that person. Good blog.
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Posted by Wed Jul 22, 2009 11:10pm PDT
Report AbuseYou are right boundaries are healthy and there are lines that should not be crossed. Would you consider this female friend a "safe" person? Can you trust her? It seems that you have more trust with your male friend than the female one and the fact that she thinks boundaries are unhealthy is worrisome. What is it besides the mannerisms about her that bother you? I think men can sometimes be better with boundaries than women because when you find a man who respects you he will then respect your boundaries.
I would suggest that you read the book by Dr. Cloud and Townsend about boundaries.
http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Participants-GuideRevised-When-Control/dp/0310278082/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1248328991&sr=8-2
Comments 1-3 of 3
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