No one, absolutely no one does anything without a reason or with out leverage of some sort. The same holds true for addiction of any kind. If there is no reason to get clean and sober, they won’t. If nothing ever happens that is all that bad, they won’t. Many just keep lowering their standards. In our current economic down turn, we will see more and more individuals falling deeper into their addictions. The truly sad part is the family will watch, not having a clue what to do, or the resources for solution.
If this is you, there are a lot of things you can do. First and foremost take an inventory of how you are adapting to the addict or alcoholic. How are you lowering your standard of living to accommodate them? For instance, some addicts and alcoholics tend to live in filth. They do not do the dishes, clean the bathroom or kitchen, and even their laundry will be piled sky high waiting for someone else to do it. Look around your house. How are they participating in the cleanliness of the nest? Then there is the other half that are up at three a.m. cleaning everything under the sun. How are they interrupting your sleep?
Here is a chance for you to take the blinders off and really get honest with yourself. If you find you are making excuses, such as “that is just the way they are”. Stop it! If you are participating in Al-anon and using the excuse, “I just detach from it”. Stop it! This is not 1951, the rules have changed. Our knowledge and experience has taught us a lot over the last 50 plus years. Detach emotionally, but do not accept even for a moment.
You can help your alcoholic/addict hit their own bottom, simply by not tolerating their actions. You can speed up the process simply by calling a spade a spade and not ignoring it any more. If your husband is sitting on the couch, with a stack of empty beer cans on the coffee table, tell him no more. Not acceptable. Not tolerated. If your wife is running a pharmacy out of the kitchen cabinet, tell her this is unacceptable. The key is leaving all emotion out of the discussion. The real bottom line is starting the sentence with, I love you but I will not accept this. The important aspect here is determining what you will and how you will live your life. Setting your standards and maintaining them is the difference.
What is not acceptable, simply anything that impacts you negatively. If you are having to walk on egg shells in your own house, or having to clean up after someone, take care of everything, literally live alone while you are suppose to be married, then something is wrong. Think back to before you were married. What did you dream your life would be like? Obviously, I am not talking about money, but about what your life was to be like. Is this it? If you are not willing to look at the truth, how will your addict/alcoholic be able to look at the truth? Take your inventory, just the facts, no reason, no debate, no judge or jury. Simply the facts. When we remove the emotional charge, we are rapidly on the road to recovery ourselves.
For 99 percent of the population, you will say something, and fall right back into the old patterns and behaviors in either hours or days. You give in and give up. This is actually normal. Alone, we rarely succeed beyond ourselves. Granted a few will, but for the most part, we fail miserably then turn and justify with, “see I did what you said and he is still drinking or she is still pill popping.” Keep in mind it took months, years even decades for the situation to become what it is. It will not change in a few hours or days. That being said, you need to gather up your own support network.
Your support has to come from outside of the immediate situation. Having an outside perspective in all things really changes how you see them. A Recovery Coach can be an invaluable ally here. Helping you to maintain your emotions, put them on the shelf for the time being, and really sticking to your plan of action over the long term. Usually, you will see changes happening slowly. Unfortunately, this is where most people quit. If you double your efforts, capitalize on the positives and reinforce good behavior over the long term, (1 year) you will see a new person emerge.
Can you hold out? Can you make it through 30, 60, 90 days? How about 6 months or a year? The answer is yes. A very strange, wonderful thing happens to you. You begin to discover who you are. You begin to develop the life you always dreamt of. You begin to gain a confidence and personal quality to your character that has always been there, but kept under lock and key. Your inner strength will attract others of the same solid power and your personal relationships will flourish.
