Love + Sex

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

He's just not that into me?!

user

Why is it that my, and I'm sure many other women's, self-esteem is so strongly correlated to men's, or women's, perceptions of them (the women)?  I'd like to feel hot and confident all the time, but there are just days that it's not an option.

You know that Sex and the City episode where Berger tells Miranda: "he's just not that into you."  I wish I had the ability to accept that nugget of wisdom with the cool and entirely un-phased demeanor that Miranda seemed to embody in that episode.  Sure, it came back later to bite her in the a*s but for the most part, it's true isn't it?  Or are men just cowards?  Am I just fooling myself to make my self-esteem at least slightly less dependent on the "man-drug?"

It took me nearly a month to accept that a guy from my previous job was "just not that into me."  And it took my ex boyfriend finally telling me.  We either have to just accept it or we have to replace that infatuation with another.  Even the creepiest men in Seattle checking me out on my way to work helps fulfill some twisted need to be wanted.  Why do I feel so helpless and un-sexy without a crush or a fantasy? 

So of course, the day after I finally accepted this painful bit of truth about my old crush, I'm on the prowl.  I've already got a cute street stranger that I shared a perfect movie moment with yesterday and a new (super-hot) guy at work to drool over.  Why do I have to be infatuated to feel attractive? 

The major problem, though, is that it never lasts.  I say I want to beat my commitment issues...but in all honesty, I just want them to want me.

Syndication:

From the Community…

Comments 1-8 of 8
  • Wendy's Avatar
    Posted by Wendy Tue Jun 10, 2008 12:22pm PDT

    This is what I tell my girlfriend...Men like the chase! Men find woman that are confident in themselves attractive. So, before you go out finding another man, I suggest you work on yourself first. Do what makes you happy and sexy...working out, buying new makeup, clothes, etc. Vest yourself in your friendships with your girlfriends (they can make you feel good, too). Hope this helps.

    Report Abuse
  • Rose's Avatar
    Posted by Rose Tue Jun 10, 2008 2:37pm PDT

    I feel you girl, why is it that i have to feel that he really wants me? why do men be afraid of commitment, i have been seeing ths guy for about a month and i don't think he really wants anything else but to have sex with me we go places and do things but he is to quiet and won't tell me things unless i ask him wht do i do i want to know where are we going with this?

    Report Abuse
  • VICKIW's Avatar
    Posted by VICKIW Tue Jun 10, 2008 10:20pm PDT

    I WAS WITH A GUY FOR MONTHS THAT WAS ALWAYS LEAVING OR WANTING TO LEAVE HE IS GONE AGAIN,THIS TIME REALLY DID IT I KNOW I DO NOT NAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS,I SPEND MORE TIME ON MY SELF NOW,I KNOW WHAT I WANT,DO NOT ALLOW ANY ONE TO TAKE YOUR HAPPINESS A WAY.

    Report Abuse
  • Lotsoflove's Avatar
    Posted by Lotsoflove Wed Jun 11, 2008 6:21am PDT

    I use to feel the same way except I confused it with having true feelings. I would get the guy wrapped up in me and realize later that he was not what I wanted. So for 7 months I stoped everything and focused on me and stoped looking. The man of my dreams just popped up and now im ready. I least i think so :)

    Report Abuse
  • springtime's Avatar
    Posted by springtime Wed Jun 25, 2008 8:36am PDT

    It seems that so many wopmen just have to be in a relationship... and that scares the heck out of guys. I can understand that. My close friend, after a divorce, just started getting back into the dating scene. He is so frustrated. After four dates, the girl wanted to know " is this all this is, or is this going anywhere?" Why can't women just chill and let things unfold slowly, and then see where it goes... just enjoy the ride! Are women so insecure they must be in a relationship 24/7/365?

    Report Abuse
  • DAVID G's Avatar
    Posted by DAVID G Wed Jun 25, 2008 8:40am PDT

    The level of your self esteem should be determined by no one but you. I understand the need to feel wanted because we all, men and women, want to feel wanted. Your confidence has to come from within. You don't need a man's approval to feel good about yourself, you can do that yourself. Focus on you, learn how to love yourself. Surround yourself with family and friends that care about you. Not all men are cowards. We love a confident woman who is in love with her self whether she has a man in her life or not. Sometimes that need to be wanted comes across as needy and insecure and it just isn't attractive.

    Report Abuse
  • goober's Avatar
    Posted by goober Wed Jun 25, 2008 1:18pm PDT

    Yes, what David G said, it is true.

    Being sexy and feeling sexy is great, but I am sure you have many other qualities that a man could appreciate also. Loving yourself and knowing that you are a fun, intelligent and interesting person gives you a confidence that is attractive too!

    Focus on you for a while. Make a list of things you would like to accomplish and new things you would like to try. Pretty soon you won't have the time to waste on crushes and fantasies because you will be living your life! If some random guy finds that attractive, bonus!

    Report Abuse
  • Brooklyn Diva's Avatar
    Posted by Brooklyn Diva Wed May 27, 2009 7:33pm PDT

    I feel better reading this. It makes me get a better understanding of how to pursue men. But why can't I just chill and take it one day at a time. I don't want to be seemed as a stalker or bug a boo so thank you all.

    Report Abuse
Comments 1-8 of 8

leave your comment

You must sign in to post a comment

Sign In for personalized information

New User? Sign Up

Updates Chatter on Shine…

Love Byte

Skip the multiple-choice quiz, and read up on if you're a mom, a nag, too clingy, or perfect in every way. Aren't we all?