Love + Sex

Friday, December 4, 2009

Hooking Up and Getting Some: Has Casual Sex Become the Side Dish to Love?

Love is hard to find, that much is true, but should sex be served up as the appetizer one enjoys while waiting for the real thing to come along?   


In today's day and age, we are constantly hearing about people "hooking up". In some cases, it means actually having sex within a relationship however, more frequently it relates directly to casual intimate encounters between friends or strangers.  One night stands are not as uncommon as some sociologists first were led to believe they would become once the discovery and deadliness of AIDS and H.I.V. entered the picture.  Condoms can protect one from the possibilities of the two and other sexually transmitted diseases (STD) however, as medical practitioners have warned, they are not 100% effective, which means there is no such thing as safe sex, just safer sex.  Scary huh? Maybe yet not enough to scare everyone off of the idea of spending the night with strangers or casual acquaintances who turn them on.  Sure some people still want the ring, the house and the kids and a piece of paper that says it's all legal and some of these people have decided to remain virgins until marriage, while some just have casual sexual dalliances with friends or acquaintances who completely understand that it is nothing more.  As many know the Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus are just a couple of the entertainers from the teen and in-between set, who have decided to remain chaste and are proudly waving banners declaring their vows of chastity.  Still, many health experts realize that this is not the norm for many young adults and those above the age of consent, are choosing to be a lot less, let us just say, conservative in their sexual practices.  The idea of remaining celibate until marriage and the whole chastity ring thing, is appealing perhaps, but is it realistic in this day and age where "anything goes" and the sex culture is everywhere around us?  It is more than apparent that not everyone is committed to being chaste and wearing a chastity ring until marriage and are choosing to "hook up", instead.  Even women are being more sexually expressive and see sleeping with someone who they find attractive and are not committed to seriously, as a choice that is viable.  Apparently this casual approach to sex works for some in our society while it does not appeal to others but there are as with most things, extremes and in betweens.  So what do those individuals who believe in celibacy and practicing abstinence to do when it comes to dating?  So many females have shared tales of former casual dates checking out the door as soon as it became apparent that they were not "getting some" or "hooking up" at the end of the night.  By the third date, it is apparent that many men and women have come to expect a sexual encounter after the last dish has been served.  The "dessert" is like a foregone conclusion on the 3rd date and sex is expected long before any conversations on exclusivity have taken place between the two individuals "dating".  Could this be where the need to "hook-up" with one's friends stems from, just the ability to indulge intimately without the complications of emotions deeper than friendship?  When is "hooking up" just wrong and not merely just an easy way for the commitment shy to "get some" without having to define what it all meant?  In a world where sexually contracted diseases are at an all time high and HIV is on the rise, is "hooking-up" something that should occur between those who barely know each other like when a great looking guy meets an equally hot looking girl at a club?  Where does one draw the line when it comes to "casual sex" when the statistics and potential for harm, is truly so far on the other side of the spectrum of casual?  Please feel free to be open and honest about your own experiences either as someone who indulges periodically in "harmless" casual sexual encounters or someone who remains firmly chaste while waiting for true commitment and love with that special someone. 
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From the Community…

Comments 1-10 of 18
  • __A_YAHOO_USER__'s Avatar
    Posted by __A_YAHOO_USER__ Fri Oct 17, 2008 9:33am PDT

    I've already been there and done that. All it's done is lead me to heartbreak. I figure that if I have to wait for "that special someone to come along", I want to at least hang on to something that is much more important than hanging on to a man or a woman; my SELF RESPECT. I decided that if I lose that, then other people won't respect me either. But I won't allow myself to be used anymore. And, I feel much better for that. But I can see your point and what you are trying to say. This is a great blog that will make some people think. And, I hope they do. LOL

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  • farra's Avatar
    Posted by farra Fri Oct 17, 2008 2:41pm PDT

    I FEEL YOU TASSELLADY... I DECIDED TO BE KEEP THOSE LEGS LOCKED AFTER MY FIRST AND I HAVE NOT TURNED AROUND BECAUSE THERE ARE JUST TOO MANY STDS AND DISEASE OUT THERE... A GOOD MAN WILL RESPECT YOU MORE IF YOU MAKE HIM WAIT..NOT ALL MEN ARE LOOKING TO HOOK UP SOME MEN ACTUALLY WANT TO GET MARRIED AND ARE LOOKING FOR MARRIAGE MATERIAL NOT A HOT w----...

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  • Giving Pause for a Cause's Avatar
    Posted by Giving Pause for a Cause Sat Oct 18, 2008 2:43pm PDT

    Hello ladies and thank you for your wonderfully candid views on this topic that has thus far only rated two posts. Perhaps, it could be considered an offensive or too sensitive a topic for the audience here. I think that you two have made the best choice as there is little question that the chance to prevent STD's is a great deal more likely when you are either celibate or extremely selective in your choice of partners or refrain until a truly committed relationship happens. I think both men and women should be careful when choosing someone as a potential mate because you never know what could be in that individual's background. In the end, one must always respect self, first and foremost.

    Thank you two again for taking time out of your day to share your thoughts and for the compliment TasselLady,

    Have a Fab Day!

    Coeur

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  • J. P.'s Avatar
    Posted by J. P. Mon Oct 20, 2008 9:01am PDT

    the ring and the kids and the paper its legal sound like a western film i like that part!! but what about your partner how far can trust go you know that on your depart you would not do such a thing maybe think about it? wouldn't do nothing to jeopardize the house hold but what when one partner go away and their none of these three thing around how far can trust go??

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  • powderstar's Avatar
    Posted by powderstar Mon Oct 20, 2008 9:02am PDT

    I personally

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  • powderstar's Avatar
    Posted by powderstar Mon Oct 20, 2008 9:10am PDT

    I decided in high school that i would not ever have a one night stand or a late night booty call, i always thought hey i would save sex for my wife. This was a personal choice made, because of many reasons. the main being an older brother and his friends all telling me that they had all had sex and the emotions involved were to hard to deal with, and that also several friends had had one night stands and came home with a little something more than a good story. Herpes!

    This was something that always stood out in my mind. Now sex was something that was always brought up with girlfriends and girls at clubs or whatever, but i could always say no, but the problem is i was told that oral sex really wasnt that bad and could justify that oral sex was fine to have.

    To sum up the story, from high school till i got married 7 years, i had numerous partners that we had oral sex. Mainly them giving it to me because i am a man and selfish. Also i didnt respect women as i should have and i admit i had several booty calls for oral sex.

    I met my wife who had only had oral sex with one guy, but both of us had oral sex with other people who had had vaginal sex with many partners. She gets the pap smear thing or whatever that is, but what really are our chances of me spreading an std (which i have no signs for) or her giving me an std(which she has no signs for) ? How should we get tested to know?

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  • Giving Pause for a Cause's Avatar
    Posted by Giving Pause for a Cause Wed Oct 22, 2008 11:45am PDT

    Dear Recent Responders,

    Thank you very much for taking time out of your day to share your thoughts on this serious topic. I would like to commend all of you who have been careful when considering the possibility of engaging in casual sexual encounters. Unfortunately, oral sex is still considered to be pose a health risk as those individuals involved in such activity, can still contract STDs in this manner as well although the risk may not be as high as with intercourse, it is nonetheless risky behavior.

    As for trust J.P., this ingredient must be present for any true committed relationship to survive after all, you cannot watch anyone 24 hours a day, seven days a week, so there has to be trust between both parties especially within a marital union. Typically if one partner is being unfaithful, it is a sign that there is unhappiness there, which should be immediately addressed either with a pastor, psychologist, or other social therapist with experience in couples counseling.

    Powderstar, I commend you for maintaining a certain level of celibacy until marriage however, sexual activity such as oral sex, which does not include actual intercourse, is still as stated above, something that poses a level of risk to the individuals directly involved. As you did mention that you and your wife did not have a large number of sexual encounters, you still had that experience, which means you will both need to be tested for all STDS as soon as possible. Certainly the small number of encounters increases the probability of you two being completely free of any STD's however, it should not be taken for granted. I think you two are making a wise decision to find out the particular facts pertaining to your health. I know that since you posed the question, you are concerned about unknowingly transmitting anything to your wife and that is to be highly applauded. I would suggest that the two of you seek out a community health facility where you can be tested anonymously if confidentiality is an issue, which it is for most sensitive matters of this nature. Please do not hesitate, for some sexual diseases remain dormant for years in some individuals and sometimes as with herpes, one can be a host to the disease and therefore, be asymptomatic and not be ill at all. It is also true that with various STDs, they remain asymptomatic until it has progressed significantly, which is why it is important for all sexually active adults to be tested, if they have had more than one partner and do not know the status of their current partners. Unfortunately this does not exclude those individuals who have only indulged in oral sex for as mentioned above, this can still expose participants to STDs as well and now according to recent research, can lead to not only HPV but cancer as well. Frightening for certain, which is why getting tested for all STD's is something that anyone acting as a responsible guardian of his or her health, cannot afford to forgo.

    So kudos to all of you who have decided to remain celibate and thank you again for your candid posts.

    Let's Be Careful Out There!

    Coeur

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  • Lisa's Avatar
    Posted by Lisa Wed Oct 22, 2008 8:34pm PDT

    I totally respect those of you who are waiting for the "right one", or just simply cautious. I lived most of my life that way as well, losing my virginity at 19 after leaving home to live in another state. We had a baby together and I was only with him until I was 22. After we broke up, I spent the next nine years being very cautious - only having sex in serious or monogamous relationships. I had a ton of religious guilt for having an "illegitiamate" child and fornicating. When I was 31, I broke up with my last boyfriend. We had been engaged, but it was not working.

    Three and a half years later, I had been on a total of two dates and realized that I am just not a "relationship" person. I am quite content being single. Besides, I had my pre-teen son to care for by myself and I had three or four jobs at a time. However, I also realized that my sexual peak years were passing unrealized. Finally about five years ago, through some very close girlfriends of mine, I discovered that casual sex doesn't have to kill you morally (but you have to be your own judge on that one). Not only will I live, but I will live quite happily (and selfishly) having the thrill of sexual encounters without all of the b******t that normally comes with relationships. I schedule it on my time, and chose my partner according to my mood.

    Do you have any idea how liberating that is?!?! I was, and continue to be, in complete control of my sexuality and my sexual appetite. I don't EVER have sex without a condom, and I also have two other birth controls in place at all times (I have been sterilized AND I use the Nuva-Ring). And when I don't want it, I don't have to explain or give in to anyone who feels entitled!

    As for the physical safety, I always let my friends know who I with and where I will be. We have fail-safes, like 'emergency" calls to get us out of a bad situation, we call each other when we arrive home safely, and we don't "hook up" with random strangers when we are drunk out of our minds. I also don't leave bars with drunk guys. Most of the men I "play" with have been my FTF's for two years or more and we have a very civilized arrangement. We are all single and don't have expectations or jealousy about each other's activities.

    I NEVER let a man talk me into condomless sex. In fact, with my last fiance, we used one the entire time we lived together, even after I was wearing an engagement ring. I will not risk exposing myself to something that has not been identified or diagnosed, like so many millions did on the 60's and 70's, which turned out to be HIV. I always say that we can only be tested for what we know about, and it took generations to figure out HIV (which was possibly in our human pool since the 1910's!!).

    As for my son, he never knew what was up. I never had men over when he was home, and I made sure the condoms and other evidence was disposed of before he got home. He never saw my lingerie or anything embarrassing. To this day, had has no idea the number of men I have been with.

    Nobody ever will, but me. But I will tell you this, I have been happily busy! I have kept track of every one and am proud to say that I have more than made up for lost time. Am I a "ho"? Nobody who knows me would say so. That is to say that my sexuality and adventures are my little secret. Only one or two of my closest friends know the truth and they say I deserve it!

    Is it for you? Only you can decide. But if you are tired of the relationship juggle, don't have the mental energy or time to develop and nurture something serious, or if you just aren't interested in the whole mess, maybe some carefully chosen FTF's may be in your future. You will have some duds, but you may find some of the most exciting, toe-curling sex you had never dreamed existed. I'm 40 now and fully intend to continue this way. I have no reason, except for my daily obligations, that could keep me from taking care of "business" in the way that I find the most fulfilling.

    I have rules: NO drunken pick ups, 100% condom use, NO anal sex, NO rough sex and NO threesomes. I also ask if they are in a relationship OR if anyone ELSE thinks they are (i.e. is there a woman out there thinking he's at the office late)? I am sure I have been lied to, but that's on him 100%. I can't be held responsible for someone else's lie when I clearly gave him the opportunity for truth and told him about my standards.

    Some of you may be appalled at my admission or my behavior. You have that right. We all have different standards and limits. Just consider that not everyone has the inclination to be in serious relationships for life, however, all of us were made to be sexual. Think about it...

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  • Calystal's Avatar
    Posted by Calystal Wed Oct 22, 2008 8:48pm PDT

    kehausauctions -

    I am a 28 year old single mother- somewhat in the same arrangement as you - and am so happy to hear someone other than me happy with their situation & lifestyle! I believe there is nothing wrong with living you life, and being thrilled with it -

    Amen, sister!

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  • Lisa's Avatar
    Posted by Lisa Wed Oct 22, 2008 9:06pm PDT

    SoCaliStal - Thanks! It took me a lot of time and introspection about what I want out of life to get here.

    I just have to reiterate - SAFETY FIRST. Personal, sexual and emotional safety have to be of the utmost importance. Well, actually, they are second - your baby is first, but I'm sure you already know that ;-).

    Kehau

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