Hope you're as happy as you're pretending.

Things have been breaking down in front of me for the last few days and I can't go a minute without anxiety and stomach pains.
What my husband said yesterday caused me so much pain and even though it might be true, the fact that he took it back and said it wasn't true kind of makes everything feel alright.
I can't possibly forgive him and take him back. I'd be stupid to do that after all that he's put me through, plus all my friends wouldn't be too happy with it since they all want to wring his neck.
I'm scared that S might get serious with J and then ask him if what i told her was true. I hope she keeps her mouth shut just like she said she would.
I had no idea she liked him, had I known that, I would have never gone near him. Whats done is done I can only hope that she keeps true to her word and doesn't ask him about me. I wasn't supposed to tell anyone about us, and I confided in her.
The thought of it makes me anxious and nervous.
All morning i've been waiting for a phone call from him(husband) or a text.. even though i know if he does i will prolly tell him to leave me alone, deep inside i don't want him to. If i weren't in school right now I'd want to run away with him to another place where no one knows us and we can start fresh, maybe this time he'll be trustworthy and faithful.
i know this whole post probably doesn't make sense to all of you on the outside but it's a whole lot more complicated than it seems.