HOW DO I FIX MY MARRIGE ?

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  Posted by Jennifer Sun Nov 8, 2009 8:25am PST

  I don't know what to tell you. I have been married to the same man for 29 yrs. We have been through so much in those years like his alcohol abuse, bipolar, and his latest is consumed with his dying. I think alot of folks find it easier to divorce and go on their merry way than to pull up their big girl panties and just hold on. Prince Charming he's not but I'm not perfect either. Women handle everything emotionally and men just want to fix it. Maybe some marriage counsoling might help. But if she will not consider that then there is no fix. All you can do to change things is change yourself. No one can change another. We can only see by deeds not by words.

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  Posted by Naria Sun Nov 8, 2009 8:33am PST

  Well I must say for a man, you are definitely intouch with your feelings for this woman. That is a plus! It seems that you have answered your own question though. In your words, you state communication is the key. It really is. If you two haven't sat down to talk about what is happening, to both of you physically, mentally, and emotionally. Then you have not began to repair the damage. Perhaps, she is feeling neglected in some area. Women, are fascinating beings. We need, (whether we admit it or not) to feel secure, safe, respected, valued, appreciated, caressed, needed, wanted, challenged at times, but not overworked. All this applies to all the areas of life for a woman. Some women seem to be too independent to admit it, but it's true for most woman. Talk to her, show her you have done or will do all of the above for her, be old fashion and buy her flowers. Put your pride aside if any and accept fault even if it's not. Show her you are willing to work, at what you both promised each other during your exchange of vows. Remember the quote: for better or for worse, in good times and bad. It does require lots of work from both to achieve that quote. But it can be done!

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  Posted by Naria Sun Nov 8, 2009 8:37am PST

  Well I must say for a man, you are definitely intouch with your feelings for this woman. That is a plus! It seems that you have answered your own question though. In your words, you state communication is the key. It really is. If you two haven't sat down to talk about what is happening, to both of you physically, mentally, and emotionally. Then you have not began to repair the damage. Perhaps, she is feeling neglected in some area. Women, are fascinating beings. We need, (whether we admit it or not) to feel secure, safe, respected, valued, appreciated, caressed, needed, wanted, challenged at times, but not overworked. All this applies to all the areas of life for a woman. Some women seem to be too independent to admit it, but it's true for most woman. Talk to her, show her you have done or will do all of the above for her, be old fashion and buy her flowers. Put your pride aside if any and accept fault even if it's not. Show her you are willing to work, at what you both promised each other during your exchange of vows. Remember the quote: for better or for worse, in good times and bad. It does require lots of work from both to achieve that quote. But it can be done!

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  Posted by sharon Sun Nov 8, 2009 8:43am PST

  You are going to have to let her know you are listening to her first! This doens't mean you repeat her words back to her, show her. If she says she would love to walk through the park holding hands, then surprise her with a romantic walk and even a secret picinic. If she wishes she had more time to feel appreciated then be sure when you are with her, your arm is around her, pick flowers on the way home from work, go with her to places you never would before, like getting her nails done. What does she like that is important to her, spend time with her during those times. The most importatnt thing is to pay attention to her. If you find you are fighting more it probably is because she is so starved for your attention she is starting fights just to get you to pay attention to her and to get your attention. Beleive me I know and being alone is not worth swallowing a little pride and holding your temper to prove to your wife that you do love her...simply show her with you actions (positive only)don't sit there and say you do all of this already, change your attitude be there and act on things your wife doesnt' think you are listening to....as a woman I can tell you time together outside of the bedroom makes the bedroom time a lot more fun and will lead to a closness you won't believe. Make her feel like she is the only person in the world, wait don't make her feel that way make it that way....in 50 years she will still be there!

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  Posted by J Montana™ Sun Nov 8, 2009 8:52am PST

  Sometime people use their marriage vows as a safety net. You can not make her desire you. All the romance in the world will not help.

  Either she desires you or she does not. You can not make her fall back in love with you no matter how hard you try. It may not have meant to be. You do not want to lose her, But you may just want to be desired. Yes, you want her to desire you. But she doesn’t- or you would not be asking for advice. The truth hurts.

  You marriage isn’t working- or you would not be asking for advice. You are justifying a reason to leave, in my opinion. You just gave it to yourself. No desire.

  It feels safe to you to stay and work it out. Let go of the fears. You can not make her want you. Find that person that desires you…if you feel that one day that your marriage will not change. You can run around in circles. Maybe your vows are holding you there. Maybe not.

  Good luck.

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  Posted by J Montana™ Sun Nov 8, 2009 8:53am PST

  Naria has a point, But...

  if she has no desire for you, all the romance in the world will not change her.

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  Posted by urassismine2 Sun Nov 8, 2009 9:01am PST

  What do I think? Well, first of all, hot heads are controllers. Self admitted hot heads are worse, because they remain with thier stupidity. Ignorance,..is when you just don't know something. Stupidity, is when you know something is wrong, an do it anyway. Controllers instill fear, on some level because they are scared. Fear is throughout thier psyche, inside of who they are. They may not realize or know what they are exactly scared of, however,..from thier past, thier security feelings just aren't secure within themselves, so they think that thier anger mechanisms and temper, will put what they want in a position, eventually, where they want that"thing",to be. That thing, could be your wife. Where you want her thinking, her person, her behaviors, her mental capacity. That fear in you, is an shallow emotion. When you go off, an "impose your angered emotions" on your wife, she becomes like a piece of clay that your molding, negatively, for as long as she stays. Every time you impose your will, her feeling begin to deaden for you. Your evaporating something, in her, that will not be able to find the way back. The way it was, when you first thought that you loved her, will be lost. Gone. That love moves to "avoid". You are molding your own relationship demise. Women live through thier emotions. When you constantly debase a womans emotions, its the same as screwing up the threads of a twist, on bottle cap of a soda. You may get that cap on eventually, but it will never be the same, ever again. Everything inside goes flat...Hey,..just a thought. Theres a saying, "Can't do, can't stay".

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  Posted by J Montana™ Sun Nov 8, 2009 9:10am PST

  urassismine2 said it perfectly. His words::

  ""When you go off, an "impose your angered emotions" on your wife, she becomes like a piece of clay that your molding, negatively, for as long as she stays. Every time you impose your will, her feeling begin to deaden for you. Your evaporating something, in her, that will not be able to find the way back. The way it was, when you first thought that you loved her, will be lost. Gone. "

  - You have left her with no desire- or she has no desire and it was not anything that you did.

  -- I broke up with a man , I had to let him go-- he said he didn't want to continue our relationship.

  My desire for him is so strong- I want him more than any woman ever has or ever will.

  I crave him-- for him...not just because I want a " Man".

  I have a choice of any man that I want. I wanted him.

  He didnt feel the same way-- or that is what he told me--- I will never know.

  Good luck.

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  Posted by J Montana™ Sun Nov 8, 2009 9:58am PST

  I disagree with Sharon. I don’t want a man to go shopping with me. I don’t go get my nails done either. But If there is not desire on your wife’s part, romance and the shopping and the nail salon won’t work.

  I can not tell you what your wife needs. I am not at leisure to tell you what I need. You are not my man for me to tell. It is different for every woman.

  I can tell you that I do not need to be with a man just for the sake of not wanting to be alone. That maybe why I can truly appreciate the right man when he comes along.

  I have no fears of being alone.

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  Posted by swheaty Sun Nov 8, 2009 10:25am PST

  Hmm...very interesting. You say she is being taken from you, by whom or what I ask? I do have feedback, but i am really thinking about this one!=)

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