Love + Sex

Saturday, December 5, 2009

How Lying Helps Your Relationship

They say "honesty is the best policy," and this rings true in dating. But women accuse me of speaking too truthfully, believe it or not. I'll walk up to a co-worker and ask her:

"Are you wearing a moo moo?"

"is that what you're wearing to the client meeting?"

"Honey, exfoliate those feet, or lose the flip-flops."

I speak plainly because I grew up throwing barbs at two sisters, and because I lack a filter on my impulsive mouth. I'll say what's on my mind at all times without sugar coating.

I'm taking the license of the gay friend with my honest communication. Only other women and gay friends are allowed to tell women that they look horrible in an outfit, need a pedicure, or have been acting like a slut. I should be using the Little White Lie.

Below are five circumstances where the little white lie might come in handy:

To Spare Someone's Feelings

This is the classic situation where a woman drags her boyfriend shopping. She emerges from a dressing room looking terrible, but the boyfriend says: "yeah, that looks great." This lie is told partially because he doesn't want to anger her, and partially because he wants to get the shopping trip over with, so he's encouraging her to buy things quickly. And, regardless of the situation, if a girl comes out of the dressing room and asks: "do I look fat in this dress," obviously the answer should be "no". But, I wonder if this is really appreciated if "no" is not the right answer.

What about getting a lame gift from your significant other? You just wear a fake smile and mention all the ways you can use it. Gift lies are tough because, while you're sitting there saying how you'll use/wear/cherish something, you're committing to an eternal lie. You'll have to wear that awful sweater they gave you, for example, once a year so they think you really do like it.

To End An Argument...or Keep One From Starting


If arguing politics, or even sports, a guy might just roll over and say he agrees to keep things from boiling over. It is not saying in an exasperated tone: "ok, we'll try this your way." It's actually pretending to be you're on board with their argument, and then secretly laughing inside when the truth comes out and you're actually correct.

To Support Someone's Dreams or Efforts

Isn't it so awkward when your loved one shows you their "art" or plays the "song" they wrote for you and it's nothing you'd ever want to expose your senses to again?

"Oh, that's great honey, you're on your way to a record deal," you might say.

One day I made crab dip for an apartment-warming party. Part of the reason for making it, aside from celebrating my friend's new home, was

Crab Dip

http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/men/sarah-palin-crush-politics?click=main_sr

that I wanted this girl I had a crush on to try it. No harm in showing her I'm a cook.


I was a bit out of my comfort zone buying crab meat at the super market-I grew up in Baltimore, where we get our crab meat for soup and dip from remnant crabs left over after crab feasts. My crab dip in NYC turned out a little fishy for this reason. After trumping up my crab dip all week to the girl, a few awkard seconds followed when she finally tasted my too-fishy dip. She was able to tell me it was great, but she never went back for more. She was nice enough to act out a little white lie. Secretly disliking someone's cooking is one of the toughest little white lies to act out.

To Avoid Family Conflict

If your in-laws suck, and you put on a friendly face every agonizing minute you spend with them, then you are living a little white lie to keep the family peace. Then there's that annoying friend or relative of your significant other's that you have to get along with just to keep your significant other happy.

Do you agree that it's necessary to use a little white lie here and there for the good of your relationship? What little white lies have you told or had told to you? What other circumstances require little white lies? Do little white lies cause a problem when the truth (i.e you look bad in that dress) might have helped? Would you rather hear the little white lie or the ugly truth?

Hey! Follow my Twitter: twitter.com/richravens


Posted by Rich


Related from Marie Claire:

How to Spot Your Soul Mate
Diary of a Hook Up From heck
5 Ways You're Sabotaging Your Relationship
50 Cheap Date Ideas
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Comments 11-20 of 75
  • Rae's Avatar
    Posted by Rae Sat Jun 20, 2009 1:04am PDT

    You dont get two trips around in life,(unless your one who believes in reincarnation) sometimes to make the world a better place you lie, and sometimes to make it a better place you dont lie. I am for either choice as long as the intent behind the lie is to spare pain and suffering.

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  • SAM88's Avatar
    Posted by SAM88 Sat Jun 20, 2009 4:08am PDT

    LIEING SHOWES SO MUCH DISRESPECT FOR EVERY ONE AROUND YOU . LIEING IS NOT OK. BE HONEST .DONT LET OTHERS BELIVE SOMETHING OR SOMEONE THAT LIES TO THEM....

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  • SAM88's Avatar
    Posted by SAM88 Sat Jun 20, 2009 4:10am PDT

    ALSO THERE IS NO SUCH THANG AS A WHITE LIE...........

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  • Monica's Avatar
    Posted by Monica Sat Jun 20, 2009 5:52am PDT

    I do not want my man to look at my electric blue toenails with thinly veiled dislike but not say anything. I will be more than happy to put on a shade that makes him go "hey what pretty sexy little toes?" If I make a new dish for dinner that I loved but everyone else could hardly choke it down I don't want them to tell me they liked it. If I am wearing an outfit that is obviously not flattering, but I'm comfy but at the same time I have to go to the store, I don't want to be told I am looking good today. A few cliches here: It's not what you say, it's how you say it. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. If you can lie about fishy crab dip or not liking your brand of cologne, then what else are you lying about?

    How Lying Helps a Relationship? It will help it go straight to hell in a handbasket.

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  • dimepiece's Avatar
    Posted by dimepiece Sat Jun 20, 2009 8:43am PDT

    monica

    i hear you girl!...i would want to know what else they been lyin about...i know someone has already said this but...once you tell one lie, you gotta tell another one to cover up the first one...then sooner then you know it you cant remember what you lied about to begin with..

    someone once told me... dont ask a question to which you really dont want the answer to...so i say if a person asks someone a question, then it is their problem if they dont like an honest answer...why is it that people try to brush off lying like its no big deal?

    lying is the worst thing you can do in a relationship, no matter who the person is!

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  • 's Avatar
    Posted by Sat Jun 20, 2009 12:46pm PDT

    Who is this guy? He actually gets PAID to write this drivel?

    He must be the modern day, Manhattan version of Hugh Heffner [at least in his own mind].

    He gives the kind of advice I'd give to an ex, just to get even with her in my own evil way. SHEESH!

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  • Crystal's Avatar
    Posted by Crystal Sat Jun 20, 2009 12:55pm PDT

    people lie because they think they can and it won't hurt anybody

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  • Mrs. Carol B's Avatar
    Posted by Mrs. Carol B Sat Jun 20, 2009 1:39pm PDT

    Lying never helps anybody. Does not saying anything constitute a lie by default? For example - you have on an outfit I really, really don't like on you for whatever the reason. Other people are complimenting you on it; I say nothing about it just talk to you about other things. I chose not to say anything negative so as not to hurt your feelings but I can't by any stretch of my imagination come up with something honest to say nice about how you look. Am I lying by default?

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  • 's Avatar
    Posted by Sat Jun 20, 2009 3:24pm PDT

    I just dropped back in to see the later comments. A lot of what I see deals with "semantics." In other words, it's not what you say, but how you say it.

    Trust me, there's no such thing as a good lie. It's like a guy telling you, "Oh, you're the best!" Or telling you how good you look in an outfit that doesn't become you. Same thing goes when the woman says, "Oh, you're sooooo BIG!"

    I think it's pathetic when anyone, male or female, has to tell a "little white lie" to prolong a relationship he/she knows isn't really what he/she wants. Just say what's on your mind!

    Guy: "You're too fat to wear spandex!"

    Girl: "You've got a teenie little weenie!"

    To both genders: just say what's on your mind, and save the other person

    a lot of wasted time.

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  • Lizbeth's Avatar
    Posted by Lizbeth Sat Jun 20, 2009 3:56pm PDT

    The little white lie, oh how I avoid it. My mother's entire existence is built on a fine string of white lies. To this day I don't know where I stand with my mother and I'm not even sure if she would know the truth at this point.

    That being said, I am really honest. I have learned how to tell people the truth but be empathic to where they're coming from. And when it comes to hanging out with my snooty sister-in-law, I found that by understanding why she is who she is, I am less annoyed by her. The time I do spend with her, I use to genuinly learn about who she is and what makes her tick. I've used the same tactics with my mother-in-law and it's be really helpful. I feel less hostile around her and can have more 'real' conversations with her. There are still limits and I know when and how to protect myself from her spikes, but I don't resort to lieing.

    I like Starfire's comment "A person can be honest and truthful without coming off like a low rate douchebag." Right on!

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