Love + Sex

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

How Lying Helps Your Relationship

They say "honesty is the best policy," and this rings true in dating. But women accuse me of speaking too truthfully, believe it or not. I'll walk up to a co-worker and ask her:

"Are you wearing a moo moo?"

"is that what you're wearing to the client meeting?"

"Honey, exfoliate those feet, or lose the flip-flops."

I speak plainly because I grew up throwing barbs at two sisters, and because I lack a filter on my impulsive mouth. I'll say what's on my mind at all times without sugar coating.

I'm taking the license of the gay friend with my honest communication. Only other women and gay friends are allowed to tell women that they look horrible in an outfit, need a pedicure, or have been acting like a slut. I should be using the Little White Lie.

Below are five circumstances where the little white lie might come in handy:

To Spare Someone's Feelings

This is the classic situation where a woman drags her boyfriend shopping. She emerges from a dressing room looking terrible, but the boyfriend says: "yeah, that looks great." This lie is told partially because he doesn't want to anger her, and partially because he wants to get the shopping trip over with, so he's encouraging her to buy things quickly. And, regardless of the situation, if a girl comes out of the dressing room and asks: "do I look fat in this dress," obviously the answer should be "no". But, I wonder if this is really appreciated if "no" is not the right answer.

What about getting a lame gift from your significant other? You just wear a fake smile and mention all the ways you can use it. Gift lies are tough because, while you're sitting there saying how you'll use/wear/cherish something, you're committing to an eternal lie. You'll have to wear that awful sweater they gave you, for example, once a year so they think you really do like it.

To End An Argument...or Keep One From Starting


If arguing politics, or even sports, a guy might just roll over and say he agrees to keep things from boiling over. It is not saying in an exasperated tone: "ok, we'll try this your way." It's actually pretending to be you're on board with their argument, and then secretly laughing inside when the truth comes out and you're actually correct.

To Support Someone's Dreams or Efforts

Isn't it so awkward when your loved one shows you their "art" or plays the "song" they wrote for you and it's nothing you'd ever want to expose your senses to again?

"Oh, that's great honey, you're on your way to a record deal," you might say.

One day I made crab dip for an apartment-warming party. Part of the reason for making it, aside from celebrating my friend's new home, was

Crab Dip

http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/men/sarah-palin-crush-politics?click=main_sr

that I wanted this girl I had a crush on to try it. No harm in showing her I'm a cook.


I was a bit out of my comfort zone buying crab meat at the super market-I grew up in Baltimore, where we get our crab meat for soup and dip from remnant crabs left over after crab feasts. My crab dip in NYC turned out a little fishy for this reason. After trumping up my crab dip all week to the girl, a few awkard seconds followed when she finally tasted my too-fishy dip. She was able to tell me it was great, but she never went back for more. She was nice enough to act out a little white lie. Secretly disliking someone's cooking is one of the toughest little white lies to act out.

To Avoid Family Conflict

If your in-laws suck, and you put on a friendly face every agonizing minute you spend with them, then you are living a little white lie to keep the family peace. Then there's that annoying friend or relative of your significant other's that you have to get along with just to keep your significant other happy.

Do you agree that it's necessary to use a little white lie here and there for the good of your relationship? What little white lies have you told or had told to you? What other circumstances require little white lies? Do little white lies cause a problem when the truth (i.e you look bad in that dress) might have helped? Would you rather hear the little white lie or the ugly truth?

Hey! Follow my Twitter: twitter.com/richravens


Posted by Rich


Related from Marie Claire:

How to Spot Your Soul Mate
Diary of a Hook Up From heck
5 Ways You're Sabotaging Your Relationship
50 Cheap Date Ideas
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Comments 71-80 of 84
  • Carlton's Avatar
    Posted by Carlton Sun Jun 28, 2009 5:29am PDT

    How foolish! None of these lies were needed.The article starts off with the guy asking "are you wearing a moo-moo"? and "you need to exfoliate those feet". What is needed here is a little common sense and discretion. you didn't have to say anything at all! Why lie? Instead, act like you have some common sense. you don't have to say everything you are thinking do you? Also, it is okay to be polite in uncomfortable situations. that does not constitute a lie. I feel sorry for anyone who listens to this guys "advice".

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  • a s's Avatar
    Posted by a s Sun Jun 28, 2009 7:24am PDT

    Don't fool yourself with the rationalization that lies are "to save others feelings". That's realluy about avoiding the reaction you know someone will have if your honest and the blowback on yourself.

    Lies are a control mechanism -- to control another's perception and, so, feelings and reaction.

    To the degree that one lies to friends and/or a lover, one takes away from the energy and intimacy of the relationship. Also, what oes around comes around -- if you like to be lied to, go ahead and do that to someone else. True friendship is based on trust and you are not trustworthy if you lie as part of you way of coping.

    While almost everyone has lapsed into this fear-based control tool at times, if one makes a decision to be truthful (and, so, trustworthy), it's amazing how easy it becomes to tell the truth. This does NOT justify using teh truth as a blunt instrument, to degrade or belittle...the truth can be told in a respectful, compassionate way...or, at teh very least, one can simply say "I'd rather not say."

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  • GW's Avatar
    Posted by GW Sun Jun 28, 2009 9:31am PDT

    Yes, there is a huge difference between suffering the bad gifts and pretending to like them, eating badly cooked food and pretending it is good (knowing this means you will have to eat it over and over again, now), etc., versus telling someone she is fat or has taste in clothing that is different from your own, by asking if she is wearing a moomoo or that a person has ugly feet so they shouldn't wear comfortable flip flops. You don't have to be a gay friend or woman to be honest with a woman. You DO have to be a thoughtless ass to be cruel. However, there needs to be an honest, yet comfortable, medium. I don't want to lie about who I am. It doesn't hurt to learn how to hone a way to be honest about those lame gifts and bad foods. They will one day find out, why not make it sooner, and happier? There are artful ways to handle it. Better ways than after 5 years, 10 years, a lifetime of lies which they will hate you for once they have learned of it. Why allow someone to think you are someone you aren't? When I die, I don't want everyone to say that I was someone who LOVED macrome and crocheted tissue boxes. Hug the person, love them, laugh and tell them it was so sweet. "It's 'adorable' but don't go thinking I want these things everywhere!" Laugh some more, in a loving way. Put it out and keep it out, one is always cute somewhere. Find that perfect spot while they are there, or tell them where it will be. But, don't over do it. They will understand, and appreciate you more.

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  • 's Avatar
    Posted by Sun Jun 28, 2009 10:51am PDT

    Rich,

    You lack a filter because you like to say abusive comments to women. I hope that one of those women at work turn you into their Human Resources Department for sexual harassment. You deserve it! You're a dinosaur in this day and age. Bet your mirror isn't too hip on your reflection. LOL

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  • Noname's Avatar
    Posted by Noname Sun Jun 28, 2009 11:19am PDT

    I don't think you should lie to spare someone's feelings, but you can phrase it better so that it doesn't. Like, instead of saying, "Your feet are gross; go get a pedicure." You could just buy a gift card for a free pedicure or something...or "You've been working hard, why don't you get a pedicure to relax...idk." I don't understand why some women constantly have to be fed compliments and can't accept any negativity. You're not perfect, so stop expecting everyone to treat you that way. I mean, if there's one thing specifically that they're self-conscious about then don't bring it up.

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